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Post Info TOPIC: just getting too old for this and need help


Newbie

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just getting too old for this and need help


I turned 50 this year , have been married to S , an  alcoholic for 20 years now and have been through unspeakable craziness with my husband due to drinking. Hes had periods of honest to goodness sobriety in the past ( 7 years at one time) but he reminds me of a skipping stone with high times and low times and I always seem to be along for the ride. I am not in great health and still have a 15 yr old son at home who takes these rides of insanity as well. Need some advice about going to meetings. mostly , why do I feel so uncomfortable and awkward when all I want to do is find encouragement for myself. example : done understand the whole "rules of engagement" and tend to misstep despite my best efforts if I feel compelled to share. Sometimes I want to just listen but it seems like the good folks at the meetings are talking another language . I have tried getting the literature to read on my own and that seems to help, but I wish I could feel less like a stranger in a meeting. I really need alot of help as S is once again drinking and being generally intolerable. thanks for any thoughts. PS sorry if Im not doing the post thing correctly, its my first time at this . :D



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi. I can certainly understand the craziness that living with an A can create. I also understand that the language in the meetings might at first seem difficult to grasp and to understand for some people. Sitting and listening with an open mind and without responding to another's share is a good way to start to feel at home with consistent attendance at meetings. Like math, it takes awhile to understand the concepts, and then one day a lightbulb goes off and we start to understand what is being said and what is meant. Getting the literature is a big help, too. I'm glad you have done that for yourself. Some of us first go to meetings thinking we are going to get help for the alcoholic. We actually go to get help for ourselves because we have and are being affected by the disease. We have no power over the A and we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure their disease, but we can learn the steps and slogans and begin to apply them to our lives with the help of others in the fellowship. I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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hey lilfriend and welcome. What you describe as feeling 'different' from people at meetings is almost universal I think. I've been in recovery for over 25 years but recently moved to a place where the alanon being spoken is very foreign to me. In some ways, it seems actually contrary to the program I learned--lots of rules, mostly and I dont take to controlling behavior well AT ALL. As a result I've come here to try to find the program I desperately need and for the most part have found it. I hope you do as well. Feel free to private message someone for more difficult stuff. With time, it will become clear who has good program and which opinions to take with a hefty grain of salt.  



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Senior Member

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I'm glad you're here, too. I wasn't the greatest at group etiquette either. And sometimes I still "misstep". I'm a work in progress. But I hung around because I needed a lot of help also. After a while it started to make more sense. So, keep coming. Share or listen. Although you may not feel it right now, you are welcome here.

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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.



Newbie

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thank you grateful2be and cwya for your helpful information and advice and fast responses. makes me feel good. I will try the ideas you proposed and mostly just give the meetings another chance. I really like the literature I have accumulated as it allows me to pour over it again and again as I have trouble concentrating at times with all thats going on. thanks again and have a very blessed day!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Lilifriend  I am happy that you found us and shared your deep thoughts  and discomfort.
Alanon saved my sanity and my life.  Breaking the isolation caused by living in the insanity of alcoholism is extremely  important
The Face to face meeting felt strange at the beginning but I kept coming back  I did not speak at a meeting until I was  there for at least a year I choose to listen  That was more than acceptable.  I have seen many do the same .It is also suggested that you try 6 different meetings before making a  decision
 
 I am a little confused about your "Rules of engagement" referral"and the being forced to share.  The usual rules or format  of meetings are read at the beginning of the meetings and most often these rules simply ask that we keep the focus on ourselves, avoid cross talking another's share and limit the time we speak so all can share. Sharing is by round robin (go around the room one at a time ) or show of hands.  We can always pass of we choose.
The pamphlets "This is alanon ",the  Merry go round Named Denial and the  small bookmark "Just for Today "are invaluable tools to assist you at the beginning off your journey.  Talking to members after the meeting and asking questions will also help for you to feel connected.
Please keep coming back



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Thank you wolfie ! You do look HAPPY so you must be doing something right : D

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Newbie

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thanks Hotrod , maybe going to a few DIFFERENT meetings is the key and I will try to have a more open mind and Ill probably just listen, be the silent type and just soak it in for a good while. :D

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Newbie

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Hey there, just had to weigh in because, like you, I'm still new to the Alanon game, but not to the "wife of an A" game. I"ve got 24 years of experience being married to an A.  My present husband is A number 2 for me.  (I Didn't get it the first time around! LOL)  I've been attending face to face meetings for the past 8 months.  I felt just like you, and to be honest, still do sometimes.  You seem totally normal to me!  Our stories share so many similarities.(I have a daughter) It's been a long and winding road but I can offer you this; it gets better.  I do a lot of reading and research.  I'm a teacher so maybe that's my method of working toward understanding.  What Alanon gives me that my loving family and dear, wonderful friends can't seem to give, is a special understanding of the chaos and confusion that comes with living with this disease.  Do this one thing for you...and you will be helping many.  You can bet on that. 



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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome, you are already loved just being here.  I believe that many feel uncomfortable when they first begin attending meetings, I know I sure did. I felt vulnerable and ashamed, yet I wanted to pretend that I wasn't.  It is still difficult, at times, to share in meetings where there are many people, especially with those that have been in the program for many years.  I know, though, I am accepted and loved regardless of what I say or don't say.  Keep coming back, it works if you work it and you are worth it!



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Lil and Valkyrie and welcome to the board.  You are both in the right place at the right time...This is the starting gate and we all start at the starting gate. I bolted when I was first in the starting gate and I left the groups because I was too angry to be humble and teachable.  I was too full of myself and would not listen and I was not wanting my alcoholic/addict to be an alcoholic/addict also so I caused her to stop attending AA.   I didn't know and I didn't know that I didn't know that it was alcoholism and drug addiction.  The second time around I was suicidal.  The disease can do that to those it touches and I was too dumb struck to not sit and listen and the program directed me to listen with and "open mind" and promised I would find help when I did.  The promise came true.  I have been in and working the program for a while now and my life is better for doing so.  Alcoholism affect everyone it comes into contact with Lil...take your son to a meeting with you and/or find out if they have Alateen meetings available.  Alateen is part of the Al-Anon Family Groups for younger members.  Keep coming back here please and also listen what is share here with an open mind....Look for the similarities between your experiences and ours and not the differences.  That is how we come to understand and that is also how we come to help each other grow and heal.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Lilfriend,

Just wanted to send you some (((((hugs)))))) from another 50 something lady with a question mark over her head!!
Looks like you've cracked the posting mechanism so I'm looking forward to having you joining us on our boards.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Lil,

I too didn't like Al Anon when I first got there. What I was getting out of it was that I should just leave my AW. This at a meeting that I now know has probably 8 regulars that have their A spouses in the AA meeting next door. and have been doing that for >10 years. But that was what I heard.

I think I heard that because I had never really thought of it before, and I also hadn't thought of life away from my AW, and it scared the daylights out of me. Nobody was telling me I shoudl leave, but I was starting to hear I shouldn't be codependent, which I misinterpreted and stopped coming back.

Fast forward a year, my AW is in second rehab, and they are telling me I should go. So I did. And it was better this time, at the same meeting, but I started hearing with my ears instead of my fears! (Hey, I like that, and yes, you can all quote mewink)

Another big help was coming here.  I'm more of a written type person.  I would rather email someone than talk to them.  I would rather read and write on a forum such as this instead of talking at a meeting.  I still don't like talking at my meeting, it make me incredibly nervous, but I have come to a point where I know I need to talk, so I just do it.

So keep coming back wherever you can get help!

Peace
Kenny



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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I am introverted by nature, so talking on the spot sometimes is tough when I am trying to dig deep...I like to process, then speak or write.  I listen and listen intently when others speak.  I, too, make myself speak at meetings despite my nature, as I need to and maybe I am being stingy with myself when I don't!  It is best for me to continually step into situations that I know will help me grow.



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Paula

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