feeling frustrated and sad - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

feeling frustrated and sad

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

of course you are. however is this how you want to live?

I had my own bedroom with a door out. had a tv in there, books, own bathroom etc. It felt good to get away from it. I learned to say hey I am going to read and go to my room, even if he was not drunk. Got it so it was no big deal if he was drunk or not when I went in for peace. They he had nothing to complain about., could not say you are leaving cuz I am drinking.

It made things lots easier. i was doing my best to stay with him as long as I could.

there is also nothing wrong with boundaries. This is your home too. You both could sit down and talk about boundaries. For instance it is ok for him to have people over but no drinking in the house. If he chooses to it is up to you to decide on a consequence.

I would not want some stranger in my kitchen either. its easy to say thank u but I like to do my kitchen stuff on my own. A's tend to have NO boundaries and will treat your home as theirs. the good ole boy syndrome.

It sounds like in order for you to stay together and be ok some clear boundaries need to be decided and set. Its great you are standing up for you.

Plus a date with him is with him, not with the stooges.

I hope things level out. Living with a drunk is not easy. hugs!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sue...just perspective? When he's drunk he's not your husband...he's your alcoholic...there is a difference isn't there. Another pespective on communications? Most of it is body language anyway...if you're trying to say it nice and your body is saying it angry...he'll get the angry part first every time; of course we ready their body language also and that is where the program helped me tons and tons. Feeling frustrated and sad...call your sponsor and say it out loud to her or someone else in program. The alcoholic isn't of help here for you and your husband is gone. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I would be sad and frustrated too, you are living with an active alcoholic and all the features that brings and it brings a life that is too much for most of us. My sons would give me this life if I tolerated it, strangers in my home, drinking and drugging and just that total disregard for me and my home. This is not fun. I cant stick being disrespected in my home that I pay for, no way. I have boundaries now and they know not to cross them or I take the next step. I usually, politely, tell them I want the house empty and quiet within the next half hour, if that doesnt happen then I tell them to go, nicely, if that doesnt happen then the next step is the police. Its never came to that mind you.

I know this is different, this is your husband but you have a right to live in your home being respected and considered, were you asked if you mind company? Were you asked if you mind a strange woman being in your house never mind going into your kitchen and tidying? Have you read the merrygoeound called denial booklet. I found this really helpful for realising the part I played in my own life and thats the only part I can work on.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 21st of December 2013 04:05:34 AM

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

SS:

I can relate to much of what you wrote. There was a sentence or two that stuck out when I read your words:

[I am a bit sick of not having free reign of my house. I am mostly sick of my husband being drunk. I am sick of the sound of cans popping open, sick of the the way he acts when he drinks (even though it is quite bearable). ]

I took the liberty o f putting in bold those words that really stuck out for me, because when we lose our focus for ourselves and give it to our A it can really make us: sick

I have also been in that place when I felt I had no control over the chaos of my home; I got to the place where I NEVER wanted to see or be around my H if he had been drinking, the sound of cans or bottles would make me flinch, and I also couldn't bear to see his behavior when he had been drinking. For the record, if a young girl tidied up my kitchen, nice gesture as it may be, I would have felt pretty territorial about that too :)

The piano is a sweet gesture, as is the Christmas tree, but those sweet and positive gestures don't dictate that you then have to tolerate what is intolerable. My AH would actually put that into words--can't the positive outweigh the negative?? For me, over a long period of time; ummmm--no!

What Jerry has been so helpful for me..when our As our drinking they are As not our Hs--it helps to remove those roles a it because then also it is easier to see when the disease is talking and when our Hs are. Wishing you lots of strength and you know the support is here!!! You are not alone.

((((sadsusie))))

YF

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He went to rehab not to learn to be a responsible drinker (which is the great obsession and illusion of all alcoholics - that we will one day be able to drink like normal men/women). He went to rehab to start a recovery program and be abstinent. He switched it up on you, baited you into coming home with the impression he would be abstinent, then relapsed. I would absolutely be disappointed. I would understand this is the disease of alcoholism but that doesn't make it right. It's not good to live in anger and disappointment, but I believe it's selling yourself short not to at least acknowledge those feelings. Feel them and then focus back on you.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

SS~Thank you for your share! My heart feels for you for sure! You absolutely have the right to a good life! We all do....I found that it had to begin with me, what I was willing to accept and not accept....I had to have some pretty sound boundaries with my AH, I chose to say NO alcohol could be brought into our home again, if you have been drinking, you are not welcome here...those same boundaries were for other friends & family members as well...Of course the AH thought he was going to continue to run the show, but like you, I had had my fill of living that way, I wanted & deserved a sober husband! And that is when I decided my life was going to either have that or not have a husband:) One day at a time, once i had those boundaries in place and I totally put the focus on myself and what I needed to do to continue to become healthy....things started to change! He could no longer bully or buffalo me! Boy was that freeing!! I went to 5-7 meetings a week, had a wonderful sponsor to work the 12 steps with and stayed out of his business...So please take good care of you! My husband now has 10 years of sobriety and my life is beyond my wildest dreams:) ~BIG HUGS TO YOU~

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you all for your words of support and showing me that I am not the only one who feel the way I do about A or about my kitchen lol!

It is the next morning and I have had some time to reflect on my thoughts.

I came back knowing that relapse was certainly a huge possibility. That was not the deal breaker for me. Me living in an intolerable situation IS. At this point, I he has shown me that (although he is not sober) he HAS learned ALOT about communication and what he should and shouldn't be doing. I also recognize that he does have a long way to go. But we are improving as a couple.

Now, about ME. I also have learned that I AM responsible for my own feelings, actions, and reactions. I CAN choose how to handle things, how to respond and how to react to things that are not IDEAL situations. I am blessed that at this point in our life, his drinking is only an irritation, not a DANGER, well at least not to me. I do want things to be different. But we don't always get what we want. We are making progress as a couple. I am making huge progress in learning to set boundaries and not letting negative things attach themselves to me. I have learned to turn things around and be happier. Well, at least most of the time. lol. I have to work through just how I feel about thingsI wasn't sure..so I let myself stay a bit sad. I still had a pretty decent night though.

I know that him buying me things doesn't make it all better, and I honestly think he got joy out of it. He wasn't using it as leverage.

*I was not living in the present. I have a lot of fears and resentments from things that have happened in the past regarding people being in my house. Along with lots of other issues when I was not in alanon recovery. And I let that resentment and fear creep into this situation - clouding my thoughts.

In reality, even though they were drinking (beer not liquor) it was really no big deal.

They (the guests) had all gone to run an errand and I had gone downstairs to talk to him about the situation. I was very upset and he 100% would have canceled the whole evening. But at the same time. The guys were two brother and their uncle, and then their girlfriends and a baby and a 9 year old were the "culprits". My husband has been having them do work for him for the last few months, and they are (when they aren't all partyingat home drinking beer) relatively kind hearted people. They live paycheck to paycheckand it is Christmas. My husband was going to cook something and the one guy was very interested in watching, so my (truly wonderful kind hearted) husband invited them back. I am now learning that He also bough a little $9 body wash gifts for the guys to give their girls for christmas along with a soccer ball for the girl's son. He had told me the he bought some gifts for them and that they guys hugged him and just about cried. And i believe that this was truly well intentioned. He reminded me that it is Christmas and that he just felt like doing this for them. I don't think he was manipulating me. He had just sent his Mom some Money overseas (north africa), and asked her to buy bread for the poor, she spent $20 on bread..and I bet a baguette is like 80cents. He reminded me that she just gave the bread out in the street (she had called him to thank him while she was doing it) to anyone and everyone. No judgment, no criteria - just anyone.

I learned a lesson from him that I am still struggling with.how do I keep from judging people. I find myself judging strangers, and it breaks my heart that I do it. This is part of my spiritual journey too I suppose. Learning to love an addict. Learning to to treat EVERYONE with Godlike love. learning to love the way Jesus did. And the most beautiful spiritual thing about this lesson is that he is Muslim. His mom is very spiritual (muslim), and she showed me an example of what I should be striving for as a Christian. I was reminded of how God is in me, how God is in everyone.yes, EVERYONE. God gives me his Grace freely even though I don't deserve it.

Back to my saga..I let myself stew because of past resentments and jealousy. It really is normal that he has friends. Was this whole issue a "non-event", Yes. Could I hope for "better" friends that are sober? yes. But is it up to me? No - it really isn't. Is it up to me to release my bitterness? - YES entirely. I guess I'll still have to work on it.

I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to learn and grow (in SOOOO many ways) and for giving me all of you with whom I can share my thoughts and fears without judgement. You help me immensely.

May you all have a Blessed Christmas

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