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Hi Everyone. I could use a little help understanding how to stay on my own side of the road, really struggling with what I think the A should and should not do, his mother completely enabling as in paying for a thousand dollar car repair this week then he is calling me for help with a utility bill, I want to point out the obvious gee if you multiply how many cases of beer times cost of beer and add in cost of chain smoking you might be able to see why you can't pay your bills. Grrr. So I know ic his mom wants to keep bailing him out at forty that's on her, his inability to be financially responsible that's on him, but I am so freaking angry right now and that's on me.
Any help or suggestions on how to not point out you should this, she should make you deal with it yourself, and you need to stop asking others for a bailout. It's hard for me when he says oh the bums with the signs begging for money are such losers, Uhm hello you are a different version of the same thing. Thanks for allowing me to vent and all suggestions welcome.
Nothing wrong with being angry, as to how do you do what you asked? Just don't. It isn't easy, but it can be done. If you slip, oh well...you will probably have many opportunities to build the "be quiet" muscle.
Thanks PP I needed that. I am so mad at him for asking me for that utility bill. I went over there yesterday his fridge is full of beer. Give me a break. I really do want to look at him next time he complains about people panhandling for money and what losers they are and just say really, really? Look at yourself, ypu panhandle me, your mom, your friends. But, as you said, will practice being quiet, practice makes perfect. It helped writing it out on the board thank you for listening.
You are most welcome. This is a great place to get it out isn't it? I usually know the answers, but writing it out for someone else to hear and respond gives me strength. I hope you have a fabulous day (((hugs))).
I usually try to do some readings about resentment when I have these thoughts. I've come to realize any time I spend on these kinds of thoughts takes away from ME time. I've lost my focus then. I don't want to give my power away that way anymore. I try to get busy with something I need to do for myself. That helps me feel empowered again that I'm not letting the disease of alcoholism hold me hostage. I make a decision to change my thinking. Sometimes saying STOP! in my mind helps too. :) (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It is hard not to get sucked into the craving of wanting to explain it to him until he understands. (The truth is that no amount of explaining will make him understand. He is refusing to understand as a decision, not because he doesn't have the full information.) If we have leaky boundaries, which we codies often do, we can feel that it's very painful and challenging to be in disagreement with someone. And they use that craving we have to try to make us feel wrong and guilty.
You don't have to listen. To alter one of the sayings, What he thinks is none of your business. It's outrageous and laughable that he would try to get you to give him that money. But he's just trying it on in all directions. It's not personal. Anyone he sees who might give him money (so he doesn't have to change his habits), he's trying his best to snow them into doing it. It's like getting one of those scam emails from Nigeria. The A is blanketing the landscape with sob stories to get people to give him money.
But you've got the real power -- the sanity and the ability to have your own money, without having to put a snow job on other people to get it!
Mattie I had never looked at it like that before. Thank you that really helped. I think today I will do a lot of journaling and get busy with holiday things to not let obsessing over this issue ruin the day.
Aloha mm...great topic and it reminds me of lots of early lessons from my sponsorship and the fellowship. "You cannot stand in exactly the same place at exactly the same time with the alcoholic...you have your own space and you cannot occupy the same space on the highway...choose your own lane and move in your own direction at your own speed." I got the picture of that and it changed me alot. I like "it is what it is" because that is such a simple explanation of how to work acceptance as "acceptance is the solution to all of my problems". If you have a copy of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous and it's the third edition or earlier on page 449 you will find Dr. Paul's lesson on acceptance which for me is the exact opposite of anger. If you don't like feeling anger...feel acceptance...not of the morality or the justification of the insanity...only the fact and reality of it. In acceptance you stop fighting him, it, them or anything at all...you come to peace of mind and serenity which is our sobriety. If you want to make sure you're on the right side of the street...stay in HP's car. Now let him go...allow him the dignity of his choices and save your self. Get out of his head and his refrigerator and his life and I like practicing that simple, complete sentence when it is appropriate..."No", with a smile and without looking back over my shoulder to see what is happening. Let go...Let God. (((((hugs)))))
My A#1 would lose job after job and good ole MIL would bail him out, enable him, the whole 9 yeards...
I did not...i did not buy him cigaretts , i did not buy him gas for his car, I did NADA re: spending MY hard earned money on him.....I paid the rent....bought food for me.....i did nothing to help him at all.....it might have worked if mom had stayed out of it.....i ended up leaving all of it behind and not looking back......it just was not a life.....he didn't want to get help, so i was outta there.....
and as someone said "NO" is a one word sentence..............
practicing new and healthy habits takes just that....PRACTICE........i vent it out then its on to the solution......
also going to meetings and getting a sponsor, working the steps helps ya do everything u need to do to take care of you....listening to the other folks share what they did that worked and i woudl go on line meets, and take notes on what so and so did that resonated w/me and so on.....reading the literature, working the steps w/my sponsor who is an AA , sober since late 80's and works a hell of a program....it all helps.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
when I stopped enabling my A's mum carried on for a while but slowly she got fed up in the end there was no one left to enable. Just like I am powerless over his drinking I am powerless how others interact with him. I just had to know I was doing the right things for right reasons and hand it all over to HP.
If you feel like you HAVE to say something to let it out in his direction, then just talk about "choices". We all make choices about everything. You don't have to mention the beer in the fridge or the cigs in his pocket. You know what you are saying and that is enough. He also has choices.
