My husband is about to come home from rehab...I'm worried! - Al-Anon Family Group

regp · Newbie

My husband is about to come home from rehab...I'm worried!

dragonflys · Senior Member

When my husband returned from rehab he was like a new man. He was the man I always knew he could be. Great father and husband. Unfortunately in my case I stopped going to Alanon and working on myself. He stopped working his program as well. We separated a few months ago. I believe that if both of us would have continued to work our programs, things could have been different. The very best thing you can do is to Keep taking care of u and working your program. You didn't say if you were attending Face to Face meetings. If you are, don't stop going. If you are not, I would suggest starting. I am sure there will be some other responses that may help you more, but just wanted to reply And let you know that you are not alone. There are many people here that have been where you are. I hope you are able to find a meeting close to you. Sending you much love and support! Dragonflys

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((reqp)))) welcome to the board...this can be a real healthy start for you...come often and listen tothe shares like dragonflys have offered and give the suggestion your best effort...Al-Anon Face to Face meetings saved my life...I can vouch for that suggestion. I started and never stopped. ((((Hugs)))) smile

you'll find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((reqp))) Welcome to MIP! I'm glad you found us. That's great that your husband decided to go to rehab. I hope he will continue his recovery. I agree with what has already been said- take care of you and your kids, keep coming here, read other posts and keep posting. I've never been to a live alanon meeting as there are none where I live. But I hear they're very helpful. Best wishes to you and your husband.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It would help to get to alanon when you can - Hopefully you have family or a babysitter that can allow you to get to some alanon meetings. The stuff I'm about to write below is more just for knowledge and it pertains to him. Alanon is for you to be strong and maintain support and coping skills regardless of what happens with him and his disease.

Just an FYI - The biggest mistake I see people making coming out of rehab is that they think the rehab cured them or something. Rehab is only a place to get stable enough to be able to START recovering. At this point he should be going to a meeting every night for a good while. Alcoholism doesn't go away and it takes an ongong program (most commonly in AA) to stay sober. It would be good to support him going to meetings, but of course you cannot make him go and this is his disease to treat. If you are worried about relapse - often the first thing you will see is refusal or avoidance of AA meetings/steps/getting a sponsor. When a person is really really beaten and ready to be sober, they will do all of that without much if any argument. Going to that much AA (nightly) is going to make him very busy and take time away from the family a bit at first - but it's worth it for him to become the man he's supposed to. This is just how it worked for me (as an alcoholic).

Praying for both of you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He is starting on his journey to be on a program of recovery. His recovery. It is totally his disease, his choice to do whatever he does. He may be very quiet, he may seem to try too hard. Who knows, everyone is different.

This is a serious illness, he needs AA to continue to be supported by others who understand where he is. He may be there a lot. You guys may feel left out. But his being on program is more important than anything else, because that is what will keep him as well as he can be.

Addiction is way more than just alcohol or other drugs. He will need to mature in all those things he drank away. When he started drinking is the age he is maturitywise in soooo many ways.

So you guys concentrate on you. go to meetings, support the kids in what they want to do, you develop what you want. Put in a flower bed, go play cards, go work out, go get your friends and go to lunch. Allow him to live his life, he is like a new colt on shakey legs. We do not help them at all or they will learn nothing.
do not do anything for him he can do for himself.

This is what we do when we follow Al Anon. He does not know himself at all. It can take years to find their sea legs. I can tell you it is so worth it. Take a day at a time. We do not know the choices they will make. Remember he is an addict, if he chooses to relapse, that is normal. Its horrible to us, but that is the truth. This is why we learn to love them no matter what. We detach from their disease. If they are on program, just sober, relapsing, active using, whatever, we have the choice to stay and use the skills we get from Al anon. or we can choose not to live with them.

We do not have the right to police them, argue with them, ask them if they are sober, whatever. They are not children. They have a right to their integrity just like anyone else.

You guys have a right to live your lives and not walk on eggshells either. He is ok, believe he is ok just how he is. Let his disease NOT be on your shoulders at all. The kids will watch how you respong and do the same. If he is crabby, that is his crabbiness, has nothing to do with you or the kids. They need to know He is working things out on his own, it has nothing to do with them.

Sometimes all we can do with our A's is love them. Expect nothing. Learn to put money in our own accounts, keep our names off their stuff, never sign anything with them. Protect you and the kids and him too! He is sick, bless his heart he chose to get help!!

We are here for you. love,debilyn oh and btw if he says I don't know. he really doesn't and if he says I want to stop drinking, he means it.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand your feelings. My husband has been through 3 rehabs. He has been sober for a little over 14 months.

Why this time it seems to be working beautifully is because he emerged himself in AA. He went two meetings a day when he first got out of rehab. He connected with a really great group of men. He now goes about 3 to 5 times weekly, sometimes more if needed. Plus, he goes to a Monday night book study at a member's home. They read and discuss the big book.

The first two stabs at recovery after the rehabs, he dropped out of AA soon after. But he hit a horrendous bottome the third time around. Plus he has some health issues derived from alcoholism that reminded him daily of the consequences of abusing alcohol. These health issues motivates him too, I'm sure.

As for me, I began going to Al-Anon about a year before he entered his third rehab. We were divorced by then. The divorce didn't give me the relief that I thought it would. So I tried Al-Anon. Meetings helped lift the guilt from my shoulders. It also helped me melt the resentment away. Learning about alcoholism helped immensely.

*Note

We divorced in 2010. And reunited about two years after that. I refer to him as my "husband" even though we aren't legally married. After being married 36 years to him, it's feels funny not to call him my husband. Will we remarry? We talk about it.

I'm giving you a gentle nudge towards Al-Anon. Hope you try it. You don't have to like everythng about it. Just take what is helpful. That is what I do.

regp · Newbie

Thank you everyone for the replies....we live in a rural area so I will attend al-anon 30 minutes from where we live a couple times a month....I have not gone to a face to face but plan on, along with formal counseling for myself and our marriage. However So for just talking over the phone with him and a few face to face visits I see more of the man I married. He is more calm....I shoulde also mention his job is very stressful so on top of alcohol he deals with a high level of "bad" people of which he sees such negativity all day long. So I hope that when he comes home he will see the positive of his family. I plan on attending all AA meeting with him for a while just so I can support him, but I have to say this forum has made me feel so much better......like I'm no longer alone. Thank you.

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