Where to start? My husband finally decided to go thru a 35 day rehab. After 3 solid years of drinking and trying to stop....he was what you call a functional drunk. He worked and never made it into work late or didnt call in sick (at first). He started with beer every night after work...then graduated to vodka daily and nightly. Well now he is about to come home and I have no idea what to expect. How to act. We have to kids 10 and 7...I'm not sure how they are going to act. I finally made my own decision to stay with him and give him a chance again....but this time I decided only because he took the step to go to rehab and for me actions speak louder then words. So now that I'm going to stay....What do I do? I'm still angry and resentful towards him for so much that he has put me and the kids thru, but I still love this man.
((((reqp)))) welcome to the board...this can be a real healthy start for you...come often and listen tothe shares like dragonflys have offered and give the suggestion your best effort...Al-Anon Face to Face meetings saved my life...I can vouch for that suggestion. I started and never stopped. ((((Hugs))))
you'll find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book.
He is starting on his journey to be on a program of recovery. His recovery. It is totally his disease, his choice to do whatever he does. He may be very quiet, he may seem to try too hard. Who knows, everyone is different.
This is a serious illness, he needs AA to continue to be supported by others who understand where he is. He may be there a lot. You guys may feel left out. But his being on program is more important than anything else, because that is what will keep him as well as he can be.
Addiction is way more than just alcohol or other drugs. He will need to mature in all those things he drank away. When he started drinking is the age he is maturitywise in soooo many ways.
So you guys concentrate on you. go to meetings, support the kids in what they want to do, you develop what you want. Put in a flower bed, go play cards, go work out, go get your friends and go to lunch. Allow him to live his life, he is like a new colt on shakey legs. We do not help them at all or they will learn nothing. do not do anything for him he can do for himself.
This is what we do when we follow Al Anon. He does not know himself at all. It can take years to find their sea legs. I can tell you it is so worth it. Take a day at a time. We do not know the choices they will make. Remember he is an addict, if he chooses to relapse, that is normal. Its horrible to us, but that is the truth. This is why we learn to love them no matter what. We detach from their disease. If they are on program, just sober, relapsing, active using, whatever, we have the choice to stay and use the skills we get from Al anon. or we can choose not to live with them.
We do not have the right to police them, argue with them, ask them if they are sober, whatever. They are not children. They have a right to their integrity just like anyone else.
You guys have a right to live your lives and not walk on eggshells either. He is ok, believe he is ok just how he is. Let his disease NOT be on your shoulders at all. The kids will watch how you respong and do the same. If he is crabby, that is his crabbiness, has nothing to do with you or the kids. They need to know He is working things out on his own, it has nothing to do with them.
Sometimes all we can do with our A's is love them. Expect nothing. Learn to put money in our own accounts, keep our names off their stuff, never sign anything with them. Protect you and the kids and him too! He is sick, bless his heart he chose to get help!!
We are here for you. love,debilyn oh and btw if he says I don't know. he really doesn't and if he says I want to stop drinking, he means it.
Putting HP first, always <(*@*)>"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves." http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon
I do understand your feelings. My husband has been through 3 rehabs. He has been sober for a little over 14 months.
Why this time it seems to be working beautifully is because he emerged himself in AA. He went two meetings a day when he first got out of rehab. He connected with a really great group of men. He now goes about 3 to 5 times weekly, sometimes more if needed. Plus, he goes to a Monday night book study at a member's home. They read and discuss the big book.
The first two stabs at recovery after the rehabs, he dropped out of AA soon after. But he hit a horrendous bottome the third time around. Plus he has some health issues derived from alcoholism that reminded him daily of the consequences of abusing alcohol. These health issues motivates him too, I'm sure.
As for me, I began going to Al-Anon about a year before he entered his third rehab. We were divorced by then. The divorce didn't give me the relief that I thought it would. So I tried Al-Anon. Meetings helped lift the guilt from my shoulders. It also helped me melt the resentment away. Learning about alcoholism helped immensely.
We divorced in 2010. And reunited about two years after that. I refer to him as my "husband" even though we aren't legally married. After being married 36 years to him, it's feels funny not to call him my husband. Will we remarry? We talk about it.
I'm giving you a gentle nudge towards Al-Anon. Hope you try it. You don't have to like everythng about it. Just take what is helpful. That is what I do.
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt