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I left my house on Saturday evening after a week from hell with a relapsing alcoholic. He has called me every day since then and invited me over for dinner. WTH????!!!!!!!!!!! I haven' answered his calls or called back but today he came into my office and left me an iced coffee. I didn't see him come in but it felt too mean to not even acknowledge it so I texted him and said thank you for the coffee. He called me back and since I had texted I went on and answered. He said why don't you come over for dinner tonight. I said no, if I can't live with you I'm certainly not going to date you. Immediately, he starts in with his version of what happened on Saturday. I didn't let it go on and we hung up. I came home from work soon after and he called about an hour later and left a bright, cheery message saying why don't you come over, we'll eat, watch TV and hang out.
?????????? Do you think he doesn't remember our conversation or is this just manipulation?
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I had the same experience when I moved out and left my AH behind. For a month, he called every day, brought gifts and flowers to my work, texted me, etc. I found out after a month of not "dancing with him," that I was definitely being manipulated. He did a full 180 once it finally sunk in that I was done. Then the anger appeared. Hang in there! Give him to your HP right now. That's what I did and I'm in a much better place today.
I am new to this site but am amazed at the fact that it isn't justmy me! All of you are dealing with the same kinds of situations i am. I have been dating a guy who is recovering for a little over a year and although he doesnt drink he acts the same way as I have seen described here. I thought I "lost" the arguments because I do not like conflict and not good at it. I am slowly realizing that arguing is pointless. They will turn it around to work for them no matter what. Thanks to all who post on this site it is very helpful!
I suspect it's all part of the immense denial that goes on in the alcoholic mind. He doesn't want to hear No, so he didn't hear No.
Of course in the long run it doesn't matter whether he hears it. If you keep your boundaries up, that will protect whether or not he can acknowledge to himself that there's a "No."
I do know an alcoholic has to be manipulative, cunning and baffling in order to live with their disease. I used to analyze and agonize over the ex A's communicationg style. Then I started detaching. I also stopped being pulled in.
I can say that the being pulled back in went on for a full year after I physically left him. I know coming to this board, detailing them and getting feedback was sometimes my only mans to learn that I had other choices.
Of course secretly my hope was that he would reform but he didn't and I had to let go of that hope.
That is exactly how I feel. This is making me feel more hopeless than anything. I am so close to just picking up the phone and blubbering all over myself to try to get through to that part of him that is the old him. I know that is the wrong thing to do but I just have this knot in my stomach. I knew that I would be tempted to do this as my anger started to wear off. Now I'm just so unbelievably sad. What in the world has happened to my life???
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Fixit...get to a meeting(s) and get fixed yourself. The last word of our second step is "Sanity" being restored to it by a power greater than ourselves, the alcoholic, alcoholism etc. Looking at an alcoholic thru the filter of normal is crazy. You expect and wait for normal and then realize that something added and "ab"before it. Alcohol is a ...mind ...mood altering chemcial...altered...changed...now not normal. I had to repeat that to myself for the first year in Al-Anon in order to "get it" and then stop trying to expect from my alcoholic/addict something she was not capable of. ((((hugs))))
FixIt -- Like you, I've wanted there to be some magic button that would make all the bad go away and make the things I loved about him come back... just to go back to that time... BUT those who forget the past are destined to repeat it.... Do you really want to go thru all that again?
If I figure out how to explain it, I'm going to make a million in a book or something. I've opted to go with seeing "sick" on his forhead... well that and walking away and out of this.
I didn't do it!!! I read the posts here and read from my Getting Them Sober book that I bought yesterday. I called a cousin of mine and talked for a while. Nice to know the urge to call passed when I worked through it. I'm still sad but the knot in my stomach is gone.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I am always told that knot is ok...it just means you are human and still have the ability to care for others. I always wanted to not care anymore so I didnt have to feel pain but I found myself becoming a person I didnt want to be ..cold and careless. I liked myself more when I cared for others. The knot and sadness may come and go, but in time it gets smaller and easier to unravel. HUGS
Not saying you are doing anything wrong at all....but, if someone I was trying to break up with or get distance from snuck into my office to get me coffee, I wouldn't call and say thanks, I would tell them to stop stalking me. Are you expressing your boundaries to him as you state them here?
Alcoholics fear change more than anything - A change such as possible divorce may be intolerable to his psyche. He probably is desperately grasping at straws. Also, whether you mean to be or not - you are likely to be one of his enablers and without you, the need to change will be forced on him....another thing almost impossible to tolerate for an active alcoholic.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 08:33:59 AM
If I could figure out the alcoholic mind I would be rich . I am never going to understand took me a while to get thru my head so I simply quit trying . Practicing alcoholics dont deal in reality , period . stick to your boundary eventually he will get that your serious .
An alcoholic can still love someone. The problem is that they can also love the bottle.
The bottle makes for selfishness, manipulation and a form of insanity. This can mask the need for true progress, which may be the most important form of amends.
The right way to express repentance is through recovery not only expressions of the heart. A permanence that may earn back the respect that was lost.
What are our deep feelings? If the "A" was truly recovering and proved it through many behavior changes over time. How would we feel?
Could trust and respect be built again? Could the anger and resentment be overcome? Or is it just academic?
One thing that is sure, no mater what, recovery for the Alanon sets the stage for a better life.
The mind of the addict is complex, yet simple. I spoke to my husband the other night saying how much happier I am this year than I was last. He spoke about money issues and I responded with.. I am not talking about money, I am talking about 'us'. We fought ALOT last year and this year we haven't.
He actually said... oh we didn't fight last year. We had a couple of tiffs but thats it, nothing serious.
Does he forget the screaming matches that was on a weekly basis? Does he forget us not talking for up to a week? Does he forget us both crying because we were discussing divorce in our first year of marriage? If that wasnt' arguments, man I would hate to see us argue. We were not happy.
He must choose to forget it, or not admit it. To admit it would mean admitting that something was wrong. And that he may have had a part in that with is addiction.
Sometimes they are lucid, sometimes they still display denial tendencies. It will always be there.
My recovering alcoholic Dad is staying with us at the moment. 33 years in AA. He still believes none of his using ever effected me. I firmly believe it is a survival strategy of denial.
I am never going to understand took me a while to get thru my head so I simply quit trying . Practicing alcoholics dont deal in reality , period . stick to your boundary eventually he will get that your serious .