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I left my house on Saturday evening after a week from hell with a relapsing alcoholic. He has called me every day since then and invited me over for dinner. WTH????!!!!!!!!!!! I haven' answered his calls or called back but today he came into my office and left me an iced coffee. I didn't see him come in but it felt too mean to not even acknowledge it so I texted him and said thank you for the coffee. He called me back and since I had texted I went on and answered. He said why don't you come over for dinner tonight. I said no, if I can't live with you I'm certainly not going to date you. Immediately, he starts in with his version of what happened on Saturday. I didn't let it go on and we hung up. I came home from work soon after and he called about an hour later and left a bright, cheery message saying why don't you come over, we'll eat, watch TV and hang out.
?????????? Do you think he doesn't remember our conversation or is this just manipulation?
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I suspect it's all part of the immense denial that goes on in the alcoholic mind. He doesn't want to hear No, so he didn't hear No.
Of course in the long run it doesn't matter whether he hears it. If you keep your boundaries up, that will protect whether or not he can acknowledge to himself that there's a "No."
I do know an alcoholic has to be manipulative, cunning and baffling in order to live with their disease. I used to analyze and agonize over the ex A's communicationg style. Then I started detaching. I also stopped being pulled in.
I can say that the being pulled back in went on for a full year after I physically left him. I know coming to this board, detailing them and getting feedback was sometimes my only mans to learn that I had other choices.
Of course secretly my hope was that he would reform but he didn't and I had to let go of that hope.
That is exactly how I feel. This is making me feel more hopeless than anything. I am so close to just picking up the phone and blubbering all over myself to try to get through to that part of him that is the old him. I know that is the wrong thing to do but I just have this knot in my stomach. I knew that I would be tempted to do this as my anger started to wear off. Now I'm just so unbelievably sad. What in the world has happened to my life???
Fixit...get to a meeting(s) and get fixed yourself. The last word of our second step is "Sanity" being restored to it by a power greater than ourselves, the alcoholic, alcoholism etc. Looking at an alcoholic thru the filter of normal is crazy. You expect and wait for normal and then realize that something added and "ab"before it. Alcohol is a ...mind ...mood altering chemcial...altered...changed...now not normal. I had to repeat that to myself for the first year in Al-Anon in order to "get it" and then stop trying to expect from my alcoholic/addict something she was not capable of. ((((hugs))))
I didn't do it!!! I read the posts here and read from my Getting Them Sober book that I bought yesterday. I called a cousin of mine and talked for a while. Nice to know the urge to call passed when I worked through it. I'm still sad but the knot in my stomach is gone.
Not saying you are doing anything wrong at all....but, if someone I was trying to break up with or get distance from snuck into my office to get me coffee, I wouldn't call and say thanks, I would tell them to stop stalking me. Are you expressing your boundaries to him as you state them here?
Alcoholics fear change more than anything - A change such as possible divorce may be intolerable to his psyche. He probably is desperately grasping at straws. Also, whether you mean to be or not - you are likely to be one of his enablers and without you, the need to change will be forced on him....another thing almost impossible to tolerate for an active alcoholic.
If I could figure out the alcoholic mind I would be rich . I am never going to understand took me a while to get thru my head so I simply quit trying . Practicing alcoholics dont deal in reality , period . stick to your boundary eventually he will get that your serious .
I came- I came to-I came to be