Need suggestions - Al-Anon Family Group

srtiels · Member

Need suggestions

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Srtiel

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

I can truly relate to the situation that you describe. You did the right thing in getting him to the hospital and are not responsible for the decision of the medical professionals when they decided to baker Act him. The discharge planning social worker will talk to your husband as to future treatment and rehab. It, unfortunately is up to him to decide to go. I will pray he makes a decision for his life

I would like to suggest that you keep coming here and posting and also look up alanon face to face meetings in your community. Years of living with the disease of alcoholism affects us deeply. You deserve support, understanding and a new set of tools to live by Please check out meetings in your area By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Glad you have hidden the guns in the house. I called the police and had them removed for safe keeping.

Good luck and remember You are not alone.

srtiels · Member

Betty....thank you for your reply. I did phone the hospital, and it took awhile to find someone to talk to find out what is going on. Sadly, I don't think they are taking the alcoholic problem seriously. They did say that a Psychiatrist was scheduled to see him this morning, and I asked her to please have the person explain that the hospital Baker Acted him, and I didn't, and that he has talked suicide or taking us both out and he should discus and/or evaluate that. The hospital will then contact me when he is to be discharged.

I am glad I found this board, and at the moment feel helpless and frustrated. Over the past couple of years I have turned very hostile, argumentative and demeaning towards him. He has became more indifferent, stubborn, and adamant there is no problem. The people we each are feel like they are hidden inside and need to get back out and return to a normal and/or happy life.

I will check out the links...thank you :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Again Srtiel

I am glad you made the call and that the hospital will contact you. I know how painful and difficult this is. Your description of your reaction to this disease is exacttly what we in alanon have also found. We have lost ourselves in the madness of trying to cope wit the insanity of alcoholism!!.

The wonderful person that you both are has been hiddden under the disease. I am glad you are taking the first steps to recover.

Keep positing We understand as few others can.

srtiels · Member

hotrod.....thank you for understanding, and knowing about the feeling of how we 'lost ourselves' I am hoping he takes that first step and we can re-discover ourselves.

At least in the hospital right now, he is getting treatment for his health issues. He has heart problems and on a defibrillator, and he is on blood thinners, which has caused some huge hematomas under the skin for the last two weeks. The hospital Baker Acted him because of the high alcohol content and because of the bleeding under the skin from the blood thinners. He refused there advice in the ER, tried to AMA, got feisty, so they restrained him and Baker Acted him because he was a risk to himself and others around him. The hospital explained they could not let him AMA leave because if he fell after leaving the hospital they were liable.

It is awful to say, but the past two days have been stress free and the first time I could feel safe enough to sleep all night. Hopefully there are many good days ahead of us :)

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Saying a prayer for you and your husband, hoping you will find some peace and serenity. Learning to take care of ourselves is our #1 priority. Keep coming back, you are in the right place.

Gettingitright!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not much you can do other than go to alanon for you. He seems very determined to drink himself to death (and I'm not saying that lightly because its tragic and sad). I would think he might have experienced some painful detox and that might influence him to get sober, but it's doubtful. Keep taking care of you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sr. with your being afraid of him possibly harming you, I have these thoughts.

Since arguing and any negative thing you say to him does no good, actually can make it worse, it may be time to stop saying anything to him at all or only say what you have to.

I know how bitter and angry the disease can make us. I learned when I faced his disease is his own business, and had zero to do with it, I felt better. If he falls, I would suggest handing him the phone to call for help. You could even put in the 911 and all he has to do is push send.

make it his decision. Sounds like he needs a walker or wheel chair. Do you have senior services there?

My thought too is, is it time for him to go to a nursing home? There is no reason you have to sacrifice your life by living with bodily harm and being berated. There are nursing homes that will take his medicare for payment. Does caseworker know of his going into the hospital and the seriouness of his illness? Maybe now with the doc and other staffs written evaluations she or he will take this more serious?

He could possibly be moved to a nursing home from the hospital. Does not hurt to ask. He sure is not safe at home and neither are you!

If you can get to meetings it would help you get away and be around others who will understand. We all need to get it out. I am soooo glad you have shared with us. We really do care.

My hope for you is to take care of you. He has made the decision the way his life is going to be, that does not mean you have to follow it. Al Anon can help you to stay in the home too with him in it and be ok possibly if it goes that way.

Please keep us updated. We can pm each other privately also.

sincerely!! debilyn

srtiels · Member

Debilyn....thank you for your posting :) Yes....I need to encourage him to be more proactive, such as calling 911 if needed. His last fall was earlier this year resulted in 4 cracked rubs, and several minor bruises. I tried to talk to the Dr. and anyone I could about the drinking being the root of the falling, but it was like talking to the wind. For 3 years EVERY time we went to his Primary Care Dr. for blood draws (for the blood thinners) or referrals I brought up the drinking, quantity etc, while he was sitting right there, and it was not taken seriously. After the cracked ribs he was hospitalized again and in a Rehab/Nursing facility for 8 days (Insurance would only allow that much time) I brought the drinking up again because after researching on the internet, I believe that the total loss of muscle tone and inability to hold his weight to stand up is something called Chronic Alcoholic Myopathy, and I asked the Dr.s AND his Humana caseworker to look into this and help to get the help he needs. The Humana caseworker told me that they can do nothing if he does not want to, because at the time she asked him to consider going into rehab. I'm finding out I have no voice in this, and it is up to him to step up to the plate.

Insurance did get him a wheelchair, and walker. He has to have the wheelchair right next to where he is at to slide into it, and go to the bathroom or another room. Humana had a physical therapist come out to the house to show him exercise to strengthen the legs and arm muscles, took the time to go over them twice and actually drew illustrations of the practice sets. It was wasted and my AH will not even attempt to do it. When he tries to walk and can't then he starts in about he is not doing this anymore and is going to end it. I try to explain that if he would TRY to do the exercises and take small steps in walking, and at least cut back on the amount of Vodka consumed it will help....at least try it for a few days and see if there is even a little bit of an improvement. Nope....and it is not the alcohol, because he has been drinking it and has not had any problems. His body is so used to it, that to look at him you would never know he drinks.....he doesn't slur and when he was mobile there was no indication he was inebriated.....therefore since no one has call him out on it in the past and now, he is fine. And I am the only one telling him he needs to cut back towards eventually stopping the drinking. Since it is me, it does not count. The Dr. and other specialists have not told him to do so. And since they haven't he's not doing it.

I did phone his Humana Caseworker Friday when he got admitted, and she was off that day, so I will try tomorrow. My concern is facing tomorrow because he may be discharged. I don't know yet because there has been no communication from the Hospital, and with him being Baker Acted. I feel like I am in Limbo. Sorry to cry on your shoulder :(

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Again

Thanks for the additional information. Your experience mirrors mine in so many ways. We are powerless over this disease and of the medical treatment for alcoholic. As the Dr and case workers explained: It is up to him to decide. !!!

That is why it is so important to begin to take care of yourself. Alanon Face to Face meetings and this Board is the beginning You are not alone and answers will come from within

Keep coming back and sharing.

srtiels · Member

I went to the links and was reading several things, and I do fit into the profile of both a family member affected by this and a child because my exposure to alcoholism started when I was 10 (I'm 61) It affected us so much then I learned later why we had rent-free houses, they (my mother and step-father) found abandoned properties and moved us in, no electricity or plumbing, except for a hand pump. At 12 I started being one of those types of people that if I couldn't help myself I always helped someone else. I was also the oldest, and used to being in charge and being the one everyone learned on. I am now to the point I need someone to lean on, even for a little bit. I've always been successful at anything I tried, which in itself caused problems and intimidation those around me....to the point I fell like I am an island within myself. At times I am still that 10 year old scare little girl. I need to fix me. he needs to fix him. I just feel the need to talk/type and let this out.....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm wondering, if he's so incapable, how is he getting a hold of the alcohol?

The sad fact is that even if all the medical authorities were very concerned with his alcoholism, they couldn't make him address it any more than you can. It's unfortunate that they're so oblivious, because it makes it feel like you're the only one who knows the truth. My guess is that they've seen a lot of alcoholics and they know how useless it is to try to convince an alcoholic who doesn't want to stop.

Hugs. Hope you'll keep coming back.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I would say having worked in the medical field that anyone who works there is well aware of alcoholism. Just go to any emergency room on a weekend and see all the people who have Od'd.

The issue is that no one can make them stop. Alcohol is a legal substance. Certainly there are options of getting help and some of them are outlined in books like Getting them Sober (and there are web sites associated with the book).

I know all of us have been in the place of being sick with worry around an alcoholic/addict. I've certainly been there. I'm aware how ill it made me. I am also aware that I came here, got help and was willing to look at me.

I have to take the entire focus off "him" and put it all on me. Whatever the ex A did, be it drive drunk, have loud parties, bring his friends over all the time, spend all his money, I had to keep the focus on me and what I wanted to do.

The ex A who I was with for 7 years never wanted recovery. His disease progressed that he used drugs day and night and spent all his money on them. With al anon's help I got out of the way of constant arguing, pleading, begging and being worried sick about him. I felt absolutely totally responsible for the addict. I felt like he would die without me.

Eventually I did indeed leave the ex A. He certainly didn't die, starve or disappear. On the last photo I saw of him on his mother's facebook he looks pretty well fed. I felt the ex A could not exist apart from me. I was wrong. He certainly didn't sober up, pay his bills, become the person I glimpsed but he did live on.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.