drinking after rehab? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

drinking after rehab?

Sara1976 · Member

Was married to an alcholic who went to rehab a year ago is drinking again. We have 2 young children and are in the middle of a custody battle. He continues to drink when the children are there but states that he hasn't gotten drunk since rehab. Even while this is going on he and his girlfriend continue to drink in the children's presence. I thought alcoholics couldn't drink and why not just stop or drink non alcholic beer? So confused by the not drunk part and why he can't stop. It has to be that he enjoys the effect of it even if he states he isn't getting drunk and I am not even sure that is true. Our marriage behind closed doors wasn't good and eventually drove me to leave. In the process he continued to make me feel like I was crazy and even said that noone would believe me because he wears a halo. He tried and continues to hurt me and threatened me on several occasions that he would take the kids away from me because I am crazy. I need some insight and guidance outside my family and friends that might have been involved or are currently involved in a similar situation.

Sara1976 · Member

I guess my question is can you drink after rehab? I am so full of questions and cant seem to make sense of his reasoning.

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

What I've learned is no, we can't make sense of the alcoholic, they are not thinking with a clear head, there is no understanding their reasoning because it is insanity caused by alcoholism. The disease can be arrested by total abstenence, but never cured. Guess who needs to make the decision to abstain? The alcoholic. But we who are or have been in a relationship with an alcoholic greatly benefit from al anon meetings and literature. We learn how to manage our lives, not the alcoholics. It's very freeing! You are in the right place, this board has helped me more than I can express, but I am still on my journey, a miracle in progress.;)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

To be clear, the answer is that they often do drink after rehab, but that is not sobriety. In other words, his alcoholism has relapsed. Saying he doesn't get drunk is just a way of pretending it's not a serious relapse. I don't know if he really isn't getting drunk now or if he's lying, but for an alcoholic, drinking just a little leads to getting drunk, and it will happen unless he goes into recovery again. His claim that he's okay because he's not getting drunk is just a bad excuse. As I'm sure you know by now, lying and denial are part of the whole syndrome. So is saying that the other person is crazy as a way to try to control the situation.

I would consult a lawyer who's experienced with addiction issues about how to protect your children.

I hope you can get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. They are wonderful support. Also read a lot of posts here, think about getting the book 'Getting Them Sober,' and learn all you can. No one should have to go through this without support.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My exAH tried to make me feel crazy at times so he could keep drinking comfortably with me distracted, but with Al-anon meetings and a sponsor I realize I am not crazy, but I lived in crazytown. I DONT allow my kids to be with their Dad when he is drinking at all. I cant have his drinking affect my kids safety. I am glad you found MIP and can find local meetings. Sending you love and support.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would get to an alanon meeting. You will find more of the same kind of support there that you do here. There is no understanding your Ex's behavior because it's irrational and it is based on addiction. You need not worry about making sense of it because he is living in the insanity of addiction. Do not try and make sense of it because it doesn't make sense. Drinking after rehab is nothing but a relapse.

rrib · Senior Member

Plenty of A's relaspe and go back to drinking.

I'd take his claim about not getting drunk with a grain of salt.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

An alcoholic drinking is like trying to say I'm a virgin I've only had a little sexual intercourse over the years. It either is or it isn't .. you've already gotten great ESH. Go to an alanon meeting and I really recommend going to an open AA meeting .. it has helped me greatly in my own recovery.

Hugs p :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also...wanted to add that alcholics and addicts are so steeped in denial and rationalization that many often go to rehab for drugs and think "well....I can still drink cuz that wasn't my problem." This cycle goes on for years sometimes until they typically realize that alcohol always eventually leads them back to their drug of choice and if it doesn't, alcohol becomes the drug of choice.

I have only met a handful of people that have been able to drink like normal people after having been to rehab. These are usually folks that had a dangerous bout with cocaine in their early twenties or late teens and they have not progressed so far into their addiction that alcohol sends them right back... Perhaps they were not true addicts/alcoholics and were really just drug abusers (rather than dependent)...I don't know but those types are very rare and this is why N/A will tell them alcohol is also a drug and to treat it the same.

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with pinkchip because I have seen it with my own husband. When we met we would go out drinking together. He was in rehabs for pills before we met, i thought they were two separate things.... after years of drinking casually he ended up using his drug of choice again and back at rehab. I know now its all the same.. drinking is a symptom of the disease... or using.. or whatever the compulsion is.... I have it too but my symptoms look much different... its all the same disease.

Auntyaya · Senior Member

My ex AH not only drank but smoked alot of pot. He told me that "pot wasn't his problem.." but he went to work drunk and subsequently got tested for pot too. He lost a 30 year career when he tested positive for pot...so how's that "pot's not my problem " workin' for ya? Not only are addicts lying to the people who love them they lie to themselves.

Sara1976 · Member

Thank you for all the input.. I have been trying to understand his behavior for a long time now but it is impossible. Just 3 days ago he asked my daughter who under 10 years old if his girlfriends overnight visits upset her because he is planning on spending the rest of his life with her. He and I were still entertaining the idea of getting back together last summer. After he told me that he had started drinking again well he chose alcohol and another woman who hasnt yet experienced his rage and emotional abuse. At least I dont think she has.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sara...the simplest suggestion for now is the one to get to face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area as soon as you can. That is what we do...those of us who have been family, friend, spouse and associates of alcoholic and addicts. We go more insane than the alcoholic does because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...thus we go thru it wide awake. Do we go crazy...amen! The input about alcoholics lying to themselves and living in denial is so right on and they are defensive of their drinking and using so the problem had to me mine and me cause my alcoholic/addict could never admit out loud for real to anyone else that she really had a problem with something she was totally hooked into.

I had to learn to see my wife as two separate people...my wife and my alcoholic. When she drank she was completely someone else than when she didn't and I had to learn who I was in a relationship with much more the one who was in the room with me.

We learn all kinds of great tools in the program which allows us to recover from the affect from living with the alcoholic/addict and it saves lives. Go find the number in the white pages of your local telephone book if you haven't already and learn where and when we get together in your area then run to the first meeting you can get to. Keep coming back here too.

(((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Been having this debate about whether people "choose" alcohol or not over their relationships and family. I guess at this point I'm thinking they don't necessarily concsiously choose alcohol as if it's a comparison. It's not "me vs. alcohol." They chose to not face their underlying issues and the problems that make them drink and that is what keeps them out of recovery. The choose to not surrender to the disease and that is step 1 of the AA program.

You did not lose in a battle with alcoholism. Sadly, he is the one losing that battle.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Sara,

Hugs .. I know how painful it is to have the perception of being someone else being chosen over you. I completely agree and get what Pink is saying because it's not about a "choice", alcoholism and it's been said before is a powerful, cunning, baffling, and completely illogical disease. You can't rationalize with something that is not about you. You didn't cause this addiction, you can't control the addiction and you won't cure it either.

I will never win in a battle against this disease, neither will your qualifier. You are the flip side to his coin .. and you won't win either. The choice comes when he decides he's going to get sober and really work a program of recovery and admit they are powerless over alcoholism they are going to loose the battle of choice.

Hugs P :)

Sara1976 · Member

Today I went to my first meeting. I sat there and listened, I didn't read nor did I share. Although, I wanted to but I just froze which that is typical for me. I will go back for sure. Everyone so nice and welcoming. I got more hugs today (from an adult) than I've recieved in some time. The sad truth is that most of the adults I interact with are paid professionals. Legal, therapy and colleagues. Don't get me wrong my kids give me a thousand hugs a day and my family and friends. But today those hugs meant so much more than that. I don't mean to ramble on about hugs but it was powerful. Tomorrow my ex and I are mediating about custody. I came on this board to find insight and guidance. You have given me that and have also validated my thoughts. I have to be honest I too was in denial about his disease and prayed it wasn't true and that he was only angry with me. It's easier to fight anger than a disease. Sometimes I feel sorry for him but still struggle with not blaming him.

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