The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves......."Step 4"
The greatest fault of all is to be conscious of none. In the past we have, perhaps, lived with the conviction that we were "always" right. Our tendency to self-justification may stem fromt hat. This situation may become complicated if we habitually hold our troubles inside where they will ferment and explode.
Perhaps we hold grudges. Ill-will and resentment can make us very sick. When we find ourself indulging in the unhealthy activity, we should do something about it quickly. The longer we harbor a grudge, thje harder it becomes to lose it.
If we get hurt easily, we are a problem to ourselves as well as to others. We should honestly analyze our feelings to see if we are at fault ourselves. We can forgive other people, pray for them---and the hurt will gradually disappear.
We should examine our motives for selfishness, too. This is inventory! We make a list of our positives and negative characteristics, remember that self-honesty is all important. We dont rationalize, excuse ourseves or list hurts we recieved. We make it a "searching and fearless inventory".
I can speak for myself and find doing an inventory on myself instead of taking anothers, can be an eye-opening experience. Instead of blaming "my" attitudes and behaviours on someone else, and can clearly see that all along I had choices , and that my choices to react or not react was clearly my choice. When we are confronted by this disease called alcoholism, we are full of fear, chaos , worry, and seem to react before we think. I know for myself I always felt if my A didnt do this I wouldnt do that etc.... Alanon has helped me to recognize that I dont have to engage immediately when something goes wrong, but I have choices and I can think about it and decide what will be right for "me". We get so enmeshed in anothers crap and lives we forget about ourselves. As a daughter, sister, aunt, wife of A's , I have been affected deeply by this disease, and as I have gotten older, I can truly see the impact this has had in my life in growing up. It is time for me now, it is time to please myself, and not be the people pleaser, the fixer, the one who is always there for everyone, no matter if I wanted to or not. This is "my" life too and for the first time I feel that I have control,,,and that is controlling myself, as that is the only one I can control. I want to be best I can for my family and friends,,,and I want to be the best role model for "myself!",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hope this helps,,,,,,,gardengal
I too hold alot of resentments. I too want to let them go, I never realized some of them till lastnight. Im in the process of doing a self motivation course this weekend. Lastnight it was 6hrs of eye openers for me. I love that with the Alanon tools, I kinda understand me but when I catually have to tell the truth and feel it, wow now that is hard. I have yet to complete a step 4 I have only just done step 1 with my sponsor and step 2 is closely behind. I know that when I hold on to things I do feel sick to my tummy. The leader last night has some great ideas for letting go, I will share them on sunday when I write my completed post about my weekend.
This was one of the biggest areas of growth for me.... I thought I had come so far, in no longer wanting to be felt sorry for, that I was focussing on myself, and my accountabilities.... Then I went down to the Treatment Center where my wife was in detox/treatment, and we had a family session.... Afterwards, when it was just her counselor and me alone, he asked me if there were any questions I had or were bothering me.... I told him that I was struggling with feelings, that part of me was proud of her for finally working towards her sobriety, but that there was a nagging feeling, that wouldn't go away, that wanted her to "drink again, so I could leave the marriage honorably, both in my eyes, and in everyone else's".... Now, I suppose I was kind of expecting a typical "poor Tom response", and empathy for my plight..... Instead, he said to me, straight up: "of course you do... that way you can keep blaming her for everything that is wrong with your life, and NEVER take accounability for anything!"
Well, I was aghast, but he was soooooo right.... We need to hold those 'gentle mirrors' up to ourselves often, and check our motives.... Not to beat ourselves up anymore (goodness knows we are already masters at that!), but walking that fine line between acception "our part", vs. the other extremes of "accepting ours and everyone else's responsibility" or "blaming everyone else".
Like most things in life, it is about balance... Sometimes, as good friends, even on boards like this, we have to (gently and honorably) assist each other in holding ourselves accountable, by holding up those gentle mirrors.... Not crossing that line of "shoulding" on anybody, but knowing that true friendship doesn't necessarily just tell people what they want to hear...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm not working step four but found this post on Justification very helpful so thought I'd bring it back around for all to read.
Justification is an issue I am working on now. Trying to work on why I have this need and what can I do to use it wisely, use it justly, and when do I not need justification and only need to let things go that are the other persons issue.
I found if I justified everything I did not have to change , I was never wrong, I could blame everyone else for the situaiton. One of the huge defecs I had to shed as i moed forward, That and blame were my go to tools
I justified everything. I was unhappy because of him, he made me say mean things, think negative thoughts. If it wasnt for I him I wouldnt have done that etc. I believed this. I didnt know there was another way to think. Now, im more likely to take responsibility for me, my thoughts and behaviour. It is about growingup and owning my own mind and body. Just because another person behaves badly I still have a choice as to whether I behave badly or not. Less guilt choosing not.
I justified things to force what I thought was the right thing, then I blamed others for not complying. Now, when I find myself justifying something, I stop and turn inward to find what it is in myself that needs strengthening... for example, if I am angry with someone because of my own expectation, I now know that means that I need to work on my boundaries and not attach expectations.
Perhaps we hold grudges. Ill-will and resentment can make us very sick. When we find ourself indulging in the unhealthy activity, we should do something about it quickly. The longer we harbor a grudge, thje harder it becomes to lose it.
If we get hurt easily, we are a problem to ourselves as well as to others. We should honestly analyze our feelings to see if we are at fault ourselves. We can forgive other people, pray for them---and the hurt will gradually disappear.
oh how i held grudges...especially at my male parent.....ill will big time...resented the fact that he lived a fairly abundent in all ways life but he ruined mine.....oh yea, i can remember it well and it has taken YEARS of feeling the anger/rage/grief to DECIDE to move on and do the rest of my life, giving up the ill will and resentment..and it was very hard.....this is true...how many decades did i hate him, visualize myself killing him slowly...oh yea......it took a long time to be willing to give him over to karma and walk away.....i think/talk about him less and less in my non recovery life, i do , however, at times think of and need to work through feelings or a step 4 issue about him, but i set a limit as to how long i will dwell on this entity......so I agree with this...i held a grudge for so long, it became a part of me that little by little i am shedding off like old dead skin....
I didn't get so much "hurt" easily, but angry, at jabs by others, slights and condescending remarks would really make me mad....living with that as a child, yea, i was real quick to bite when someone did it in my now in recovery life, but now as i 'grow" into myself and in my recovery, i can set a boundary wiht them, do what i need to do to take care of me, and then either separate or reconcile with boundaries in place (depending on what they did/said) but the main thing as the more i learn how to take care of me, the less angry or hurt i am b/c i don't let it GET that far....i take care of it right away and i examine me (step 10 quicky) to make sure "am i being sensitive?? judging?? or is this a real insult i need to deal with???" checking in with me has helped me a lot.....
VERY NICE post...thanks for sharing it
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hope this helps,,,,,,,gardengal