The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Loving unconditionally is something I strive for each day. Being an imperfect being, many times I fall short of that goal.
'I like to define uncondtional love from the Bible defination
1 Corinthians 13:4
Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5 does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6 It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
For my part, I do not mean that I will endure or put myself in the way of anything they do if it's harmful or unhealthy. I try not to stay in situations of abuse or where my needs are severely not getting met and cannot be met. But I think "loving unconditionally" can mean that, despite the fact that I realize the relationship is not healthy, I can look on the person with compassion and caring rather than resentment. I recognize that I can't control them, but I wish them the best.
I also think that we need to love ourselves unconditionally. That doesn't mean self-indulgence, but healthy protectiveness.
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 1st of December 2011 12:26:36 AM
I've always been told that dogs are the only beings on earth who truly know how to "love unconditionally"....
I do know, from my experience, that active A's will often use this phrase as a manipulative tool, to say we should love them, no matter how awful they treat us, or themselves...
For me, I always use those words as a goal to strive towards
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I really like what Betty shared. I wanted to add a few more from 1 Corinthians 13.
Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over the other mens sins, but delights in the truth. There is nothing love can not face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance. Love will never come to an end. In a word there are three things that will last forever: faith, hope and love; but the greates of them all is love.
I do know, from my experience, that active A's will often use this phrase as a manipulative tool, to say we should love them, no matter how awful they treat us, or themselves...
Oh does this ring bells for me!
Funny thing with unconditional love -- I have dogs, so I know how it feels to be loved unconditionally, but I never try to push the boundaries. I don't hit them or starve them or treat them badly to test their love. It's a gift and I always strive to live up to it. (I think I have a fridge magnet somewhere that says "May I always be the person my dog thinks I am")
So I see an certian element of responsibility for the recipient of unconditional love to be appreciative and not test the limits.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I love that stuff you guys are saying about dogs. I don't have a dog, but it makes me want to go adopt one.. haha I can't even handle my cat right now who is living with my Mom b/c my roomate is allergic... this makes me start to want to resent my AH who has caused me to be living in a tiny bedroom as opposed to our huge wonderful house we used to rent. But then I think about this post and all its unconditional love comments and I think... I can do this. I really think I have learned to love unconditionally but at times I slide backwards. I have to stop my thinking and pray to my HP to remove the negatives and fill my mind with he positives. Loving unconditionally is loving someone even if they don't love you, even if they have not treated you the best, and even if they've let you down. I really think this is what I feel for my AH. My heart has gradually made amends with his heart and I needed distance from him physically to do it. In the process of crisis I was able to let go of my control over his actions (this control was actually nonexistant) to my HP. Through this process I feel my heart filling with unconditional love for him. But it will come and go as the resentmenst come and go. Unconditionally I wish him peace and happiness... in whatever way he finds it. Not on my terms but on his... this, I believe, is unconditional love.
Love everyone's comments here.. great topic, oldergal
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I've enjoyed reading all these definitions. My own definition of unconditional love is somewhat like David's. It means I love the person just the way they are, all flaws and imperfections included. Which is the way I would like to be loved.
I also feel that the phrase means loving someone where they're at, without seeking to change them.
But even when I love unconditionally, it doesn't require a specific action on my part other than just love. I don't have to stay with someone I love unconditionally if their behavior is harmful to me in some way. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. I can love unconditionally and still make good choices for myself - loving someone unconditionally does NOT mean that my needs are second or unimportant, and that somoene else is on a pedestal.
A couple of the alcoholics in my life pointed out that I wanted to change them and didn't love them unconditionally. At the times this was pointed out, they were absolutely right. I DID want to change them and did NOT love them unconditionally. I still struggle with unconditional love. However, when an A points it out, it is sometimes used a tool of manipulation to take the focus away from the real problem.
Even my dogs are pretty much conditional. They want their food, walks and love otherwise they are not too happy and they will let me know it. Oh and I forgot to mention treats I'd better get some of those too or believe me I'll hear it from them!
The cat is extremely conditional. Her food, naps and attention are absolutely mandatory.
I know I can love unconditionally from afar. I certainly love my sister who is an alcoholic. The person who I have had to learn to love unconditionally is actually me. Accepting my faults, things I cannot change and what I can is a ongoing challenge every single day. I do love me today and I can't say I really have in the past.
hmmmm.. this is a hard one. I guess I would have to define love first. My Mum loves me unconditionally. I love my animals unconditionally. I have conditions for most human interactions, I guess they are our boundaries. Ahhh but does that confuse love and like???
My nephew did a very very bad thing many years ago. He went to court and what he did, was very taboo and he got off a jail sentence because he was young himself.
I sat him down and I said to him, "i love you because you are my blood, but I cannot like what you have done".
I still talk to him, he is banished from certain family functions due to court orders etc. The rest of my family thinks ths should be lifted by our family and 'old wounds healed'. I disagree. Myself and the person who has banned him are the only ones who agree. I have a VERY large family.
I guess this is a definition of being able to 'love' someone, but have boundaries around my own safety and theirs. I can love you, but not always like what you do. I can love you but not like that you are smoking pot so I chose to not be around you then. I see that as conditional, maybe I am wrong in that thought.
The person who I have had to learn to love unconditionally is actually me. Accepting my faults, things I cannot change and what I can is a ongoing challenge every single day. I do love me today and I can't say I really have in the past.
I love this and feel it's very relevant to me and where I am right now. In my opinion, if we can get to this stage then we can learn to love others uncondtionally - however we define that.
