"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Livinginfear · Member

Abusive father

BlueCloud · Senior Member

My father is also an alcoholic who is abusive. In my case, my father is psychologically abusive and he often issues threats of various magnitudes and then after I am a crying, scared mess, he says "he doesn't mean it" and "he would never do that" and "he's my father and he loves me". Then, I would be completely scared + confused: What am I so frightened by if he "doesn't really mean it"?

After Alanon + excellent therapy, I have come to the following realizations:

1. Abuse = abuse = abuse (even though my father has never hit me, threatening me is also terrifying).

2. I am scared for very real and legitimate reasons.

3. He has very serious issues as evidenced by his abusive behavior and I am not able to help him - he needs professional help.

4. It is OK to take my fears seriously and respond accordingly. It's OK and GOOD for me to get help through alanon and counseling.

In my case, after the last incident + very serious contemplation, I chose to walk away. This was the hardest decision I have ever made, but it has been the right one for me. Walking away is not the only answer - getting help will help you find the right answers for you.

Welcome to the boards!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear LivinginFear

Welcome to MIP and Alanon

I am so very sorry that you have suffered so much at the hands of this dreadful disease. You have found the most appropriate place to begin your recovery.

We who live or HAVE Lived with the problems of alcoholism understand as few others can. It is very important to break the isolation, connect with others who are walking the same path and begin to heal.

I urge you to find alanon face to face meetings in your community Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon

Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.

From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.

Here, and at alanon meetings I learned powerful tools that enabled me to let go of the pain from the past, and develop new tools to respond to life in a constructive, courageous manner. My self esteem grew as I practiced attending meetings and sharing my day.

Living one day at a time, focused on myself, with a community of equals, did for me what I could not do for myself

Please keep coming back.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Livinginfear,

I wanted to welcome you to MIP as well. I think blue cloud's reply has some strong experience strength and hope here. In alanon I was able to come to my own conclusions as to whether or not I should maintain the relationship with the parent who physically and verbally abused me. For me I had to take a big step back and have little or no communication with my mother for a few years. Working the steps with my sponsor helped me to walk through the pain of what happened. Also, from my experience it was beneficial to talk to a professional about my family of origin history.

Today I have a good relationship with my mother. We actually talk on the phone and have really good visits with one another. I finally recognized that the disease of alcoholism ripped through our family, denial was rampant, and abuse eruped as a normal response to anyones extreme emotional imbalances.

That self worth and esteem has returned for me gradually. I can now look back and recognize that truly my mother did the best she could. At the time it sure didnt look like either parent was doing much to protect me. Alanon has given me the ability to find true forgiveness which is giving up on any notion of a better past. All I have is today. The gift for me is that working the steps in alanon has given me a new beginning with both parents.

In support,

Tommye

Livinginfear · Member

Thank you all so much for your replies and for giving me hope that I would be alright! I had no idea that place like this exists. I've heard of support groups for people who have a drinking problem, but not for the ones like me.

I've been like this for so long that I don't even know how to begin my "recovery". What is the first step? I just know that I am not amotionally ready to talk to my father about it.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hotrod's reply to you summarizes what the great "first step" is for your recovery....

Sorry you have gone through this stuff, but there IS a positive solution for all of this, and good for you in finding us, and wanting to choose a better path.... for YOU.

Tom

Livinginfear · Member

hotrod wrote:

I urge you to find alanon face to face meetings in your community Help with finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Online meetings are held in the Al-Anon chat room associated with this site.
From the board click on Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room in the yellow box in upper left of the page. After clicking on the link please be patient, sometimes it takes a while for the window to open.
I would like to go to a meetings but at this time it's not a option for me. I've tried to open Group Meeting/Chat Room but there was nothing there, just a blank web page. Is there a certain time of the week/day for online meetings?

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here! Just wanted to offer my support. Alanon has shown me that I can heal from my childhood traumas. Coming here, going to meetings, finding a sponsor to work the steps with and reading the alanon literature are all helping me to heal and begin a new life. HUGS to you and take care of you :)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

There is also the Adult Children of Alcoholics board
ACoA board

Livinginfear · Member

Youfoundme, thank you for your support! It means a lot to me. No one in my family understand what I am feeling, so to have supportive people like you gives me hope. Good luck to you in your recovery!

-- Edited by Livinginfear on Tuesday 27th of September 2011 07:37:03 PM

Livinginfear · Member

Thank you, I will look into it as well.

Lindaoakford wrote:

There is also the Adult Children of Alcoholics board
ACoA board

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP!

I'm so glad you found us.

You can recovery from a painful childhood. You can. You can.

Al-Anon's principles can be one avenue for such recovery. It is working miracles in my life daily.

Hope you stick around and grow with us!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome!!!! I too was physically bullied and abused in my childhood from a parent. I found Al-anon face to face meetings, this site and a sponsor and started working the steps 9 months ago and after a lifetime of feeling lost, I am now found. I have read some great books and met some great people and learned so much. I have done some counseling and still do from time to time, but Al-anon and MIP have helped me so much! Keep coming back and I hope you can find local meetings near you!

Livinginfear · Member

I am so happy for you! Thank you for sharing!

It's time for me to stop ignoring the fact that I am not O.K. and to start working on my "recovery". It's been painful to think about my childhood but it hurts even more when I say it out loud. I hope that I would be as strong as you are while I work on "finding myself"!

Breakingfree wrote:

Hi and welcome!!!! I too was physically bullied and abused in my childhood from a parent. I found Al-anon face to face meetings, this site and a sponsor and started working the steps 9 months ago and after a lifetime of feeling lost, I am now found. I have read some great books and met some great people and learned so much. I have done some counseling and still do from time to time, but Al-anon and MIP have helped me so much! Keep coming back and I hope you can find local meetings near you!

rosielee · Senior Member

i know what its like- my mum was like it- she didnt dangle me over a banister- but she did lash out quite regularly over things i couldnt control and things that i didnt do wrong- they just lash out as they get nasty and angry and need to vent it. self esteem- i understand is a real issue- but i think if you work on it - it improves. but i do understand that its always there.
funny that i know some women worse than me with their self esteem- and they havnt had any of the agro or abuse.

i think the not saying sorry to yu is just too major fr him to face...and anyways, how is he is supposed to bring up this issue ? its not something yu can just come out with- pass the ketchup- oh bye the way- sorry for abusing you when you were young.

its only going to come up if he is open about talking about the past etc and about alcoholism in general......it sounds like you are still scared of him. and i understand this too.

i have not been seeing my mum lately- because ive been sick of being fearful and worried about her reactions.....im way too old for it. but with a man who is strong i can understand yu have to protect yourself physically- which is a good idea of yours not to provoke him- and to be wary.

i cant give advice...but i will say...people like us have to forge our own adult lives and somehow improve them- and in our own households at least we have control over it- to make them pleasant and stress free places.

this I take pride in, and i am proud that my son can relax in the way that i never did. home can be bliss!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad that you have reached out to al anon and can articulate your issues so well. My family of origin lived, ate and slept denial. They still do. I longed, craved and prayed they would get better. They did not. The person who did get better was me. I came to terms with my family of origin, the acts, violent chaos like the one you describe, being abandoned on so many levels by my mother (who was very very ill but still responsbile for her children) and the neglect. In so many ways the neglect which was so illdefined and so present in every single second has been the most difficult to come to terms with.

There is help, lots of it, in ACA groups, in al anon (where the tools of managing unmanageable situations are) and more. There is help in going to a counselor. There is help in getting the book Getting them Sober. There are people who can hear you. What is also clear is that tragically that may not be your family.

I do know people who got sober and who made amends to their children. That does happen. I do know people who got sober at the 9th hour and became aware of what they had put their family through. That is certainly true too. The issue is that not that many alcoholics and addicts do that. Some of them plateau out, they reduce their drinking they manage to coast along they stop being so hell bent on destruction. Some of them keep on down the road of destroying themselves. There is no set path but we do know that alcoholism and addiciton is progressive. The awful thing is that being in a family where it is present is so so toxic to everyone around it. But we can and do get better.

I've always been very inspired by the men and women on this board who come here desperate, despairing and completely lost and who grasp the program and go on to have wonderful loving, fruitful lives. They go through immense tragecy and hardship but come out the other side with such grace and dignity.

I'm so glad you are here and willing to get help. Not everyone is. So many people, including my own family of origin, live, eat and sleep denial and there is not much room for anything beyond that.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"