The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wonderful at last to find a online group. I wonder if there are any 'oldies' on this site.
Briefly, my husband drank very heavily for the first 18/20 years of our married life....we lived in the rural area and not close to family or any support. Then suddenly I was in contact with Al-Anon. I left him and came to my home state . He followed and with me in Al-Anon and he in AA eventually things became much more stable. I had a wonderful sponsor, who died in 2002. I was last at a Al-Anon meeting 15 years ago.
Now we have been married for 49 years. Both now retired for about ten years. He is very involved in the community as a volunteer and plays a lot of sport. He is 77 yrs of age. I volunteer two days a week elsewhere.
One problem all of our marriage has been that even though he is very attentive to the chores around the house he is emotionally distant and cool. This has always been part of his personallity, solved in years part briefly by usual marital intimacy/sexual. Now because of health issues that is no longer possible....so no longer any personal touch.
So you see even though I'm grateful for the fact he stopped drinking 30ish year ago, that does not solve other problems.
Very best wishes to those in their first years with Al-Anon.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to the isolation and it is frustating at times. I've been married for 36 yrs. to an active drinker. Even when he was sober, he was always distant and cool. Now that he is actively drinking again, the behavior is the same. The "isms" are still present whether or not they drink (imo). My Ah was mean when was sober. Today, I just do my best to focus on me. I give myself the gifts that he will otherwise give me: love, attention, massage, outings with friends, attend church with or without him, and so much more. Since I can't change him, I change myself and that seems to work for me.
Please, keep sharing. Others have great ideas. Sending you hugs.
Hi, Too Hard, welcome to this site. Glad you found us.
Over the years two of the men I've been involved with, my husband and another, had the same coolness and distance that you mention. A therapist finally suggested that it was Asperger's. Having done a lot of research on Asperger's, I now see that this was the case in both situations. The lack of interest in my emotions, lack of understanding what anyone else is feeling, lack of understanding why anyone else would be having emotions at all, lack of understanding as to what he himself was feeling -- they were all signs of Asperger's. Other signs can be taking things too literally, being preoccupied with certain things and talking only about them even when other people are bored, finding sociability too hard (my husband would get up in the middle of having friends over for dinner and walk around the house -- he couldn't handle the face-to-face interaction for very long).
Knowing that they were literally wired that way helped me accept the behavior a little bit and not take it as personally as I had been. In one case, I was able to say, "Because you have Asperger's, I know you won't see the point to giving me a hug, but trust me that I could use one now," and he would. In the other case, he'd say, "I shouldn't have to change myself to make you happy." With that, well, there's not much further you can go. Asperger's has some significant limitations.
I don't know if you've considered this already, but you might google "Adult Asperger's" and read up. (Warning: a few of the sites are a bit looney, as with all topics on the Internet! But there's some solid information out there.) Even if he doesn't technically have it, people with that kind of emotional limitation have a sort of self-imposed version of it.
I think the bottom line is that we have emotional needs that we shouldn't be ashamed of having, and we have to do our best to get those needs met in our circumstances as we can.
Alanon for me has really helped my marriage. I have worked with a sponsor for many years and working the steps on my marriage helped me see why I deeply love the man for whom I married. Before I started on the step work I disliked any interaction with my spouse. The interchanges were filled with sarcasm, disdain, anger, and apathy. So I can understand how you feel sometimes feeling alone, and the dullness in the marriage.
This is a great board filled with long timers as well. I'll let you find them for yourself. I am glad you made it here. Please keep coming back. Stick around, get to know us awhile.
I can only imagine your need to touch and be touched. I've heard that newborns fail to thrive if they aren't touched. As you know we don't advise as members of AlAnon so i'm going to suggest an option that you maybe haven't considered. You sound seasoned and wise enough to take it or leave it so I think there will be no harm done.
In my city there's a waiting list of several years for a program for rocking infants s at the women's hospital. If that's not possible where you live maybe a young mother of an infant without family nearby could use a break and you could rock her baby for an hour or two once a week. I know it wouldn't replace your husband's touch but it could be miraculous for you, infant and young overwhelmed mother.
I am not married to an alcholic but just want to touch really fast on the intimacy issue. Has your husband had his testosterone (sp?) tested lately? Many things can effect a mans testosterone levels and if your husbands is low then that may be the reason of llittlle interest in intimacy. He may be afraid of just being touchy, huggie cause he knows it may lead to intimacy and he doesnt want to be embarrased. It may just take a testosterone shot a month to get that intimacy back Just a thought Blessings
I haven't used a message board before this time, but I'm very glad I insisted that I have my own email box, many years ago. It could have caused unnecessary unpleasantness if the replies came into a shared box.
To Hawaiilover. I just love you comment " I give myself the gifts that he would otherwise give me: love, attention, massage, outings with friends, attend church with or without him, and so much more".
Thank you Mattie for your suggestion. I will certainly look up that particular site.
Pre my retirement I worked with a 'crisis' line, now I am doing two voluntary days a week on a telephone support line ringing carers of family members.
Continuing to learn more of various illnessess is always helpful.
With carers of disabled family members it is so import to look after oneself and the principals of learning detachment (of Al-Anon) and finding the borderline so difficult to remember, but helpful in many situations.
My husband had Prostate Cancer four years ago and that has caused the loss of intimacy....touch, patting, hugging. He is soon 78 and for all of his life marital intimacy has been his only way to have and show deep feelings of loving.
Never-the-less I'm sure your comments re treatment could help someone else who may read this board.
The underlying personality, of the dificulty to have conversations of any meaning...or how one feels, has always been part of many men....especially of that generation. I don't see that in my sons. Or at least the younder ones.
I was particually interested in the fact that you had a home group.
The nearest group I am able to get to, is in the capital city. I travel 40k by vehicle then hop on a train and go into the city. It takes a while.
I did this for the first time three weeks ago, it was a very small group only four members and one of them was new, so they were working well to assist her. I'd have to say I found the hour and half continual readings long, but I have to recognise that was because I once again missed that dear sponsor who gave so much to me in the home visits.....the sort of conversations that are happening here.
Service worker status is simply achieved through posting over 500 posts. It does not indicate whether or not a person is in Alanon, goes to face to face meetings, or works the steps with a sponsor. It only indicates they one has replied over 500 times to achieve that status.
