Infidelity - Al-Anon Family Group

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Infidelity

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

UTB :)

The way I have understood it and what I have witnessed in a situation close to me is that yes it is, it's a bit of a vicious cycle really. A's do their thing to relieve the guilt, shame, they lower their inhibitions by being high, act out on lowered inhibitions. I don't know if that makes sense or not, that was just the situation that I saw. Plus I don't know percentage as I'm not an expert, there is always a high chance that there is not one addiction/issue that is usually attached. I've witnessed a case of prescription drug abuse as well as alcoholism, bi polar issues. The other one I can think of was alcoholism, sex addiction as well as bi polar issues. Usually there are two or three other things going on with the primary addiction. It's all attached, again I'm not an expert those are things I've observed.

Hugs :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok I am going to throw my 2 cents in here with the experiences I have seen with my A family members and my husbands A family members.
I don't have a A spouse so I can only tell you what I have seen in other relationships.
This is what I know to be true with the A's I have dealt with so just keep that in mind.
While drinking or drugging may lower a person's inhibitions I don't believe that a person does anything under the influenece that they have not already been tempted by or are leaning towards. So say it is infidelity, which is quite common in A behavior. They will use thier altered state as a reason they were unfaithful. I believe that is a lie, and a lie they may need to truly believe.
My sister ( an A) was not faithful to her first husband, blamed it not only on her drinking but also blamed him because he had become disabled ( although certainly still able to have sex) when my sister found recovery the infidelity didn't stop until she was yrs into recovery and then saw her part in it. That marragie didn't last. My husbands brother was a addict before he found recovery and was unfaithful, got recovery and years into his recovery he is still unfaithful just learned how to be more discreet.
So to me being unfaithful and blaming it on drinking or drugs is simply an excuse for something they are already considering.
That is just my experience and opinion on it.
Blessings

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing I can say is from my own perspective. I don't know if its part of the disease or not. It may be, like Pushka said. It may be the personality of the addict/alcoholic. For me though, it is unacceptable to be cheated on. I would call that a deal breaker. I have been through it in the past and I will never ever put up with someone cheating on me ever again. It hurts too much and there is the disease factor (STD's).... thats my opinion and what I will accept or not. I know lying is part of it, but I don't know about infidelity. For me, I have to keep to my side of the street and take care of me and want this spiritual program more than anything else so that I feel good. Take care of you :)

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

I really struggle with this. There was a lot of infidelity in my marriage and it did seem to coincide with the progression of the disease and relapses. However, it was also used as a rationalization by my wife and her boyfriend. They concluded that she wasn't really an alcoholic, but that I was exaggerating her condition as a way to try and hold on to her.

In truth I care about and love my wife and I always will. I love my parents, I love my kids, I live independantly of my parents and someday my kids will live independantly of me. That doesn't mean I feel any less for my parents or my kids, just that relationships change.

My wife seems to be gaining acceptance of her disease, if she continues an honest and sober life, our relationship will grow, whether that is as husband and wife, or as mother and father to two beautiful boys living separately I do not know. I do know that if she continues an honest recovery I will be happy for her. If the disease over takes her, I have grown enough to be sad for her and take care of my kids as best as I can. Alcoholism is not a crime, it is hurtful and devastating to the loved ones of the alcoholic, but it is up to us to find our acceptance. That means letting go of the blame, infidelity just adds another layer of blame that we need to get through.

I guess I would have to say that like everything else infidelity is my issue, I can choose to accept that it happened and let go of that resentment (using program words). I can forgive and change my perspective on the relationship, or I can hang on to the resentment and go in that dark insecure place.

I still don't know the future, I do know I can forgive my wife and love her, but I will not go back to a dishonest relationship with her even if she weren't drinking.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

That was a relationship killer for me...There was the disease of alcoholism and then there were the other diseases that come if infidelity. Protecting myself from the consequences of sexual infidelity was a no brainer. (((hugs))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I reread the question .. my bad .. infidelity for me is a deal breaker. At the same time, it can go hand in hand with addiction (that was my approach .. lol). I like what Jerry said short and to the point. There are some of the STD's in the world today are not cured with a shot or meds, I have young children and it's bad enough having choices taken out of my hands regarding law issues and addiction, to add this to it for me would be a bad deal for all involved.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

I have never had to cross that bridge. All circumstances are different and pepole have to look at their circumstances in different ways. I have acceptance, I am powerless over alcohol. I try to the best of my ability to not let it make my life unmanageable. It seldom does. But for me infidelity would open another can of worms and crossing that bridge would probably create problems and circumstances my program and me at this point are not ready to handle. Jerry's post and thinking would most likely prevail.

HUGS,
RLC

-- Edited by RLC on Monday 25th of July 2011 03:41:17 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying is definetly part of the disease of alcoholism, but infidelity can be a two way street. It isn't always the drinker that is the culprit. Often it is the spouse or significant other at home yearning for attention while the loved one is out doing what alcoholics do.

One thing I have learned is that we aren't perfect. We are human and we hurt one another. That is why I suppose alcoholism is characterized as a family disease.

Aimee · Veteran Member

This is a topic that I've had LOTS of experience with in relation to my AH. It was discovering his infidelity that brought me to recovery, and I thank God for that.
I used to say that cheating was a deal breaker for me, but now that I had to face the reality of it, it's not so black and white for me. It turns out in my case that my AH also has a sex addiction that he has been struggling with. He has used alcohol as well as sex, food, drugs and smoking to fill that hole in his soul. He has used many things to try to fill him up and sex is just one of those things. If he wasn't in recovery and was still active in his sex addiction THAT would be a deal breaker for me. More than if he relapsed with drugs or alcohol.

~Aimee

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is my view.

Yes drugs lower inhibitions that people will give into desires they keep hidden.

In order to have whatever desire, you must think about it, want it.

I have been taught no, infidelity, stealing, murder, rape are not symptoms of the disease.

A cheater is a cheater drunk or sober. A thief is a thief. A murderer is one. raping is a rapist. Just like abusing others is NOT a symptom of the disease.

None of these are from being an alcoholic.

This is my experience.

great thread! hugs,debilyn

freeagain · Veteran Member

I know people who cheat who are not A's and I know A's who never cheat...I don't believe that having the disease of alcoholism has anything to do with cheating.

In my personal experience, my A did cheat...when he was sober, when he was working a program, when he was using, when he was pretending to work a program. He cheated. He was a cheater. Besides being an A.

To me, it seems the same as being abusive. I know abusers who are A' s and I know A's who are not abusive. So...being abusive has nothing to do with being an A.

Just my own personal experience.

surfingmaestro · Veteran Member

I think there are a whole host of behaviors that can be attributed to alcoholism. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous both directly and indirectly points to infidelity as a symptom of alcoholism and being married to an alcoholic, both sides.

Doozy · Senior Member

I see it a lot like Pushka, Aimee and others here. I think that so often there are many things going on besides just the alcoholism and that can sometimes make people vulnerable to or tending to infidelity and lying. That's been my experience. Drinking and drugs can lower the inhibitions and lead to some bad choices. And maybe there's the insecurity or anxiety or compulsiveness or something else too, filling the hole in the soul. In any case, I know that it's different for everyone and every relationship, what happened and whether it's a deal breaker. I know I'm looking for an honest love! Enough with the B.S.!

~Doozy

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I do not believe cheating is part of the disease. IMO, if someone is using alcohol as an excuse to cheat, that's exactly what it is...an excuse to cheat. That particular boundary is not negotiable in my world.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

In my observations of alcoholics, I would conclude that infidelity is not a trait of alcoholics.

clep · Senior Member

freeagain wrote:
I know people who cheat who are not A's and I know A's who never cheat...I don't believe that having the disease of alcoholism has anything to do with cheating.
In my personal experience, my A did cheat...when he was sober, when he was working a program, when he was using, when he was pretending to work a program. He cheated. He was a cheater. Besides being an A.
To me, it seems the same as being abusive. I know abusers who are A' s and I know A's who are not abusive. So...being abusive has nothing to do with being an A.
Just my own personal experience.

Took the words out of my mouth.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience on this topic, infidelity is something that I have determined is unacceptable. It is something that I will not tolerate. It does not matter whether the person is actively drinking or not.

I agree with the others that posted about people behaving badly drunk or sober. My exAH was abusive and cheated whether he was on a binge or not. While I know that alcohol lowers inhibitions, he cheated both drunk and sober. I wouldn't feel any differently about it if he only cheated when he was drunk. While I have compassion because he is an A. I do not accept or tolerate being cheated on and exposed to diseases. This is a non-negotiable boundary for me.

-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 26th of July 2011 11:12:42 AM

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel that cheating is not a symptom of aism but I do believe that being drunk, A or not, if put in the right circumstances, could lead to cheating. I have seen that happen to many people who are not A's. I am sure that it may happen more to A's because they are under the influence and drinking in places more where this behavior will happen. They are def more at risk for cheating behaviors.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Lying and cheating went with my exAH's behavior and I found both to be unacceptable behavior's for me. Keep working your program and the answers will come. Sending you love and support!

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