My partner has started to drink again - Al-Anon Family Group

alexious79 · Newbie

My partner has started to drink again

DreamXL · Senior Member

You didnt cause it, you cant control it and you certainly cant cure it..............his drinking has nothing to do with you and no there isnt any magic sentence ...glad your here and I would suggest reading thru all sorts of posts on this board. Educating yourself on addiction is one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you can get to some f2f (face to face) alanon meetings you will find everyone there will understand what your going through. blessings :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and I am glad you found us at MIP. It sounds like you are feeling the painful effects of alcoholism and for that I am sorry and can relate to your post. . I am sorry to say I don't think there is anything you can say or do to change the course of someone's drinking. We have a slogan here, You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. I don't even think they can control it without really wanting to and getting the help and tools to abstain from it. I hope you can find Al-anon meetings in your area to get help for yourself. After I found Al-anon I started getting the tools to not sink or swim depending on my A's drinking habits. I am sending you love and support!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Sunday 12th of June 2011 07:38:50 AM

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome,

firstly you do not say if you are attending al anon face2face meetings if not I strongly suggest you do. Your partner is sick he has a terrible illness al anon educates us about alcoholism it also helps us to take care of and protect ourselves against this illness. Al coholic blame us for their drinking as it is so hardc for them to look in the mirror they already hate themselves. you do not say if your parter is in Aa but only they can help him not you. Thebest thing is for you to recover once I started going to al anon I behaved differently to my partner he is in AA today he does still have slips the disease gets hold but I step back out of the way and take care of me. Get myself to a meeting, talk to people from the meeting by phoe as i have their numbers. I buy and read al anon books, come on here it all helps me to stay as sane as posible, to look after me and support him in healthy ways. hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest

take care tracy xxxx

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Geez how well I remember those times. Your heart is so full then all of a sudden you hear one word or one action and BAM!! Broken heart and sadness, he is gone again.

We learn in al anon the truths of addiction. Its so not simple. Its a horrible disease. So far you have gotten some truths, you will get more.

It is a disease that never goes away. Most all A's go back and forth between relapses, rehab, AA relapse again, back on program etc. Its the way of the disease.

If they are on a program of recovery, they will have basically a routine they follow to keep well physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I have learned many wake up and immediately choose not to use today.

We learn to love the person, and blame the behaviors on the disease. they do not choose to be sick, they were born with dna that predisposed them to be an addict.

We hopefully can learn to love the whole person, when they relapse we put our Al Anon tools to work We don't argue with them, we don't engage in yelling or arguing or even talking to them if they are inappropriate. ,

We may learn to leave the room, go read or play cards online or read to our kids! I had a room all mine own I went to with a door out. I hid a key, money in case I needed to leave fast.

Learned that after he cracked and broke many of great gmas antiques, tried to force me not to leave, would not let me call 911 and physicallyabused me. i ran to the neighbors then snuck back, i had a key hidden so made it to help.,

With tools we know the signs of the diseae taking over, we know how to protect ourselves and not add to the fire.

If he or she drinks they do, we cannot do anything anyway so we learn how to live with it if we choose to.

If they are on program we glean every minute of our A's good time.

In other words, we learn they are a person with an incuralbe illness and we will stay and use our tools, and meetings to help us.

Or we leave and use our tools to get our lives back.

meetings are so important. We have them on here too.

"Getting Them Sober" Toby Rice Drew, is an excellent first book. oh volume one Amazon has a ton of them.

My life is I accept the whole person, good and bad. If I cannot I stop the relationship.

To me it's not fair to that person for me to fight who and what they are. They have a right to be who there are and accepted and loved as is.

Don't we all want that?

I sure hope you keep coming, sharing asking questions! We need you too! love,debilyn

nat2000 · Member

Hi,Apart from the meetings, I would suggest Al-Anon's Twelve Steps& Twelve Traditions. Step one. We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable. How Al-anon Works, is a good book also. My dear friend people change only when they want to. The idea that they change because of us is an illusion. After you read Step one, two, and three, in Al-Anon's Twelve&Twelve, then try your best to do them,with the help of a sponsor, meetings, reading literature etc, you'll be amazed. It worked for me, and so will the other experiences from the members of this wonderful forum. Nat2000.

Corgi2 · Veteran Member

Hi there. Im glad you found this site, because it will most certainly help. Have you gone to a face to face alanon meeting yet? Those are what keep me going each day. Like you, my boyfriend started drinking after a few months of being the man I first fell in love with. And like you, I had those same feelings come back...the man of my dreams returned and it was so good to be in a peaceful place. But once the drinking starts, my whole world gets turned upside down. It is the hardest thing in the world, but you have to try and focus on yourself and not his drinking. Because as someone already said, you CANNOT control it. There are no magic words to make him stop (I really wish there were) But it helps to know that you are not in it alone....many of us feel or have felt the way you are feeling right now. It hurts like hell, but take one day at a time and don't try to solve all your problems today. Just take care of yourself and do something that makes you feel good!
Sending love.....
Corgs

hopeful411 · Member

This sounds way to familiar. Although my AB has never been in recovery. I get named called, degraded, blamed. I am very new to this but just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I hope you find the strength and love you need through al-anon as i hope i do for myself.

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