Today I offered to cook a brunch for my housemates. I didn't expect too much and I really had to work hard on not making it a huge production.
I got up at 6:00 a.m. to start preparation (one of them did help and it is a miracle in itself I actually asked!).
One housemate who I suspect smokes dope left to go over to a friend's house. I said nothing at the time and let it go. When he got back he couldn't see anything wrong with marching off when he was expected for a meal. I didn't save him anything. He was quite miffed and I quite relished telling him how good the food was!
I used to absolutely lose it totally over this behavior by the ex A. He thought nothing of dropping everything to go do drugs in some form. Of course the drug encounter wasn't spelled out. Indeed the neighbor who came over to get the roommate didn't say anything about it but I'm pretty sure they went out to do that since he was gone for a while.
I had no detachment with the ex A. I was a slave to people pleasing. I thought my efforts were herculean. I thought I had to be acknowledged. Now I just enjoy a good meal. That was the task of the day to prepare something tasty rather than be acknowledged.
Needless to say as usual none of them offered to wash up or even said much beyond a quick thank you.
My boundaryless existence used to totally un nerve me. My self esteem was always up for grabs.
Of course I'd rather cook for people who appreciate it. I certainly did. I have to watch how much I cook for people who are dysfunctional. At the same time I know I don't want to isolate entirely. My expectations of an alcoholic (which this neighbor is) are rather low. I know he seeks to elevate them all the time. I know I have to constantly diminish them all the time.
Progress not perfection. Detachment for me is measured in being able to see things differently. Now if someone walks off when I am preparing a meal I let is slide off my back. Neverthless I doubt I'll ever ask him again....
For me detachment means a Happy Easter rather than a ruined Easter. I had more than 7 of those!
maresie wrote:. . That was the task of the day to prepare something tasty rather than be acknowledged. My boundaryless existence used to totally un nerve me. My self esteem was always up for grabs.Progress not perfection. Detachment for me is measured in being able to see things differently. Now if someone walks off when I am preparing a meal I let is slide off my back. Neverthless I doubt I'll ever ask him again....For me detachment means a Happy Easter rather than a ruined Easter. I had more than 7 of those!Maresie.
. . That was the task of the day to prepare something tasty rather than be acknowledged.
What fantastic recovery!!!!It is so clear that you have worked hard and it has truly paid off. Changed attitudes, from the inside is what it is all about.
Detachment, Taking care of yourself, Refusing to have expectations, Focusing on what you need how great !!
Thanks for sharing the journey
Giving unconditionally, no expectations, no taking it personally, good day was had by all.........
Holidays are a huge trigger for me because of course I have 7 years of disasters with the ex A. At the beginning of our relationship I'd go to his mother's with him. He promptly retired to his brother's bedroom and did drugs. I had to wait for hours to get out of there. Then I stopped going which caused tremendous resentment by her and the other family members. All I could do was react and over react. I did not know how to respond.
I am surrounded by dysfunctional people, at work, at home, in the neighborhood. I am just beginning to know how to respond rather than react. I am also experimenting with my own self preservation. I was too tired after the marathon breakfast. As always I had to do too much and no one volunteers!!!! I have to work on ways to be less grandiose!
Maresie...you did great...didn't load your plate up with expectations...having those unmet can choke you. We did the annual "Easter Feaster" at my morning meeting and it went much like yours did when it came to process and then hmmmm when we focus on what we received rather than what we didn't it was great!! You've come a long long way. Yay!! Pass it on. ((((hugs))))
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change,Courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.
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