The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for the privilidge of allowing me to join your online forum! As you can see, I am new at this.
I've been in Al-Anon for two years now. In that time, I have gotten married, and now have a baby. My husband has stopped and started drinking several times. My daughter and I are currently living with my in-laws, who are very much in support of our family's health, and their son's recovery.
He began an outpatient treatment program two weeks ago, as well as AA meetings (which he used to threaten divorce over if I would even mention). Currently he is angry, accusatory, verbally abusive, blaming, and threatening divorce. I see virtually no signs that he is actually working his program - this is not to judge, it is an observation. I am feeling beaten down, sad, angry, and confused. I asked for space and time to work on my own issues while he is working on his, because I feel I owe that to all of us. He will not accept this, as he stated recently. As he said "Why should I have to go to meetings every day and be in treatment, when you aren't?!" He tells me that we are married, and so I should spend time with him, even if I don't move back home yet. However, spending time and having conversations leads again to the cycle of verbal abuse, blame, confusion, anger and sadness... recently he cut off my cell phone while I was out with my daughter, because I would not stop by the house to talk with him. He is also trying to divide his parents from me, and each other, by telling us all that the other is crazy.
A counselor strongly suggested to me that I set a boundary by telling him not to contact me, under any circumstances, until he has successfully completed his treatment program, and that he cannot work on a program when he spends all of his time blaming me.
I am spending all of my time seeking support, working, and trying to take care of my daughter. I love my husband, but cannot take his abuse any longer. Being in touch with him is so destructive for me at this point. HOWEVER, I fear that he will file for divorce if I set and stick to these boundaries. I know that is allowing fear and illness to control me.
PLEASE offer any thoughts you may have?
Gratitude,
K
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Your husb is newly sober which I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober he dosent have a clue what he wants , his threats are to whip you into shape and do what he wants- ignore them , he is hanging on by a thread sobriety is a tough time for everyone , get to as many meetings as you can stay focused on your needs and leave him to AA . It was suggested to me that if I am afraid of the future multiply it by 10 for the sober alcoholic , he has to learn to accept life on lifes terms no crutches anymore , I cannot help him with his insecurities they are his to fix but I can show support by attending my program and minding my own business . Take care of you and baby and regardless of what he does your going to be okay.
Hi K, The newly sober alcoholic/addict has just lost his best friend....the booze. This is the friend he looked to for every problem. Now it is gone. He is mad and has to blame someone, so why not you?
First of all, I want to say, that even if you divorce, you can remarry later. Don't let that threat stop you from taking care of yourself.
The counselor gave you good advice. Stop banging your head against that wall. Do something different. If you have no negative influence over you, you can make decisions about your life that are for the best for you and your child. With him trying to manipulate you and make you do his will, you will not always do what he wants. Also remember the mental illness that comes along with drinking. He can't make rational decisions about himself. How can he make them about you? The anger is so common. The blaming is too. Don't be manipulated by it. You have no more control over his sobriety than you have over his drinking.
-- Edited by maryjane on Tuesday 19th of April 2011 01:14:49 PM
Aloha Klotus...He isn't even near being sober which is not the same as being dry. Alcoholism affects the mind, the body, the spirit and the emotions of everyone it comes into contact with. Stay with the sane people in your Al-Anon groups and with that wise counselor. Often times it was the people outside of myself including sponsors and counselors and the elders of the program I had to rely on to tell me what the picture looked like because I was soooo use to the dysfunction it was all I was acting and reacting to; "doing the only thing I knew how to do." When I learned new behaviors inspite of the stuff the alcoholic was thowing at me and trying to convince me of my mind and then emotions and then spirit followed and I got my life back. I had to convince myself that I had been listening to the thoughts, feelings and actions of a person addicted to a mind and mood and life threatening chemical and that's not sane in any way, shape or form. You have learned what the real picture is...I suggest you trust what you have learned and now know and stay with what has brought you so far...inspite of the noise coming from his side of the world. If he gets in and gets sober and works a program of change you might get to see your husband again...the personality you love and love to be with...until then you are dealing with your alcoholic...not close to being the same person. Know the difference. Keep coming back and recovery with us. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies! I am happy I found this forum.
On a side note: Tonight I tried to attend "family night" at my husband's outpatient treatment program. He decided not to show, and did not sign the release form so that I could attend. I wasted two hours, plus planning for my baby to be taken care of, in order to go. He knew I would.
It's times like these when I feel lost regarding how to deal with my anger and sadness.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
A counselor strongly suggested to me that I set a boundary by telling him not to contact me, under any circumstances, until he has successfully completed his treatment program, and that he cannot work on a program when he spends all of his time blaming me. ===== "NO CONTACT"
No Contact
No contact is very hard to put into place (I understand), especially with a kid involved.
But what I have learned from NO CONTACT is it gives YOUR MIND sometime time to pull
together & allows YOU to refocus on your situation. We get so use to living in the chaos and
cant see outside of our dark cloud that surrounds us.
It also opens your eyes up, to HOW SICK they really are....
It's easy for others on the outside of our lives to see how sick the alcoholics minds are.
But trust me, others can see how sick we are for putting up with it, but when your in the middle of an alcoholics bullcrap, drama and drunken life style....We dont see it, we become part of it..
It might be hard, but it is WHAT YOU NEED & DESERVE..
It might even help him realize, your finally serious, maybe he should go check himself in...
Don't expect him to be normal at 2 weeks sober (or 2 months sober, for that matter). Nobody is, it's a time of complete confusion for everyone involved. His brain may not have been working well before, but he just tossed it into a milkshake machine by removing its alcohol. It will take a while for him to learn to live and think without it. It will be weird and painful and baffling.
All you can do is work on yourself while he works on himself (hopefully), and try to stay cool when he goes ape. This Al-Anon stuff is the mustard, it helps A LOT. Dive in, the water is nice.
Do you have a copy of the book Getting them Sober. I can't recommend it highly enough. Getting a perspective on what you can expect from an alcoholic early in recovery is hard going.
I'm glad you are reaching out and asking for help. Boundaries are like red flags to an alcoholic, set one and they break them. Holding onto them is a hard one. I know you will get a lot of support here.
K, I keep hearing you setting limits and then going "yeah but if I do that then this will happen" and then you go back on the boundary. Stick to your guns. We teach others how to treat us. If he is going to divorce you for not going to meetings for his alcoholism, if he is not going to take any responsibility for his actions, is that the kind of man you want for a husband anyhow? NO, divorce is not a good option at all, especially when a new baby is in the picture. BUT, what I know of alcoholics is that they try to hold people hostage in relationships and make them believe they are not free to make choices, that they are not capable of self care, and that they are the crazy and weak one when in fact it is the alcoholic who has most of these defects.
The blaming and threatening behaviors are part of his alcoholism as much as the actual drinking. He has no coping skills for dealing with frustration because he has drank himself out of them and now is functioning on a child's emotional maturity level. Hence, you know not to bargain and give into a tantruming 5 year old right? Treat him the same way. Stick to your boundaries. You will grow increasingly resentful of being mistreated if you don't.
I am sharing all of this from my perspective of being an alcoholic, what I went through, seeing how others come into the program (angry, blaming, childlike, broken) and also from my experience in dealing with an ex who was also alcoholic and blamed me for just about all of his failures in life. The chief complaint I heard all the time was "You don't believe in me!!!" Well, it was pretty hard to believe in him when he started projects and never finished them, wasted time, and our lives turned to crap repeatedly while nothing ever changed.... So I empathize with you here.
