my 28-year-old daughter is alcoholic to the extreme - Al-Anon Family Group

dizbee · Member

my 28-year-old daughter is alcoholic to the extreme

peppurr · Newbie

OMG dizbee - I'm so sorry for you. I just joined and posted yesterday and have no words of advice for you.
I think the worst part is that we see all the potential of these wonderful young women going down the drain.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Dizbee...From the early definition of alcoholism...."It can never be cured and
can only be arrested by total abstinence." There are over 2 million recovering
alcoholics in the US and AA like Al-Anon is in almost every country on this planet.
Will she survive this...If she does what recovering alcoholics are doing she can and
there still is no guarantee because alcoholism is very cunning, powerful and baffling
as a disease which works in the mind, body, spirit and emotions.

In AA's opening statement within the first 164 pages of the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous, "How it works", the personal requirement for finding and getting into
sobriety is "Willingness and a capacity to be honest". My experiences are based
upon watching that program work for any alcoholic who wanted to stop drinking.
Al-Anon does the same thing for the families, friends, spouses and associates of
alcoholics because we are affected in much the same way except we don't have
the anesthesia of alcohol to block out recovery thus we get as sick or sicker than
the alcoholic.

The best, In my opinion, that she can do is reach out to AA and I personally know
that AA in California is solid, and to ask for help. For you? call the Al-Anon hotline
in your area and find out where and when we meet and go as quickly as you can.
There is a seat waiting for you and lots of literature to help you understand.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

dizbee · Member

I would really like to hear from anyone with an alcoholic daughter, is there a place on this board that I can go to talk to these people. I don't know why, but I think that someone in my shoes would be of tremendous help to me. I gave you the short version of what we have gone through.......many, many emergency rooms, detoxes, treatment places in NY where she was living and now Utah, where she is. Something you said made an impression, "willingness" the alcohol has to NOT want to drink. Maybe her problem is that she really does want to drink. When it always leads to the same result, I told her that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I read that somewhere and it stuck. The lies she tells to cover it up are so transparent, I always know when she is drinking, even if it is just one drink. As I sit here and type this, my heart is thumping very heard and fast with chest pain from all the stress from this. I was in the hospital at Christmas for an overnight check to make sure I was not having a heart attack (she was then drinking as well). I was told that it was just stress and I believe it. Oh, did I mention she is 12 weeks pregnant. Oh yes, Al-Anon meeting here are every Tuesday night about 45 minutes from me, I don't see well at night so would prefer to wait until spring and summer when it stays lighter longer, so for now, I thought I could get some support from this board.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Dizbee, I am so sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place. There are meetings online here. Also read through all the threads. You'll find many people who have children who are alcoholics. I think you'll also find that everyone who cares for an alcoholic has similar experiences, however the alcoholic is related to them.

I don't know if you've heard about the Three C's of Al-Anon: we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, we can't Cure it. You've experienced this yourself already. No matter how much effort we put into it, we can't make them stop drinking. If they're going to make that decision, they have to come to it their own way in their own time.

If you're like me, faced with this information, you think, "But how can I stand it if my alcoholic keeps on drinking? How can I cope with the destruction, the grief, the tragedy, the chaos? The fear that they may die? The unbearability of it all?"

That is what Al-Anon is here for. It helps us stay in balance even though the chaos of the alcoholic is threatening to pull us off balance all the time. Strangely enough, it sometimes does happen that turning our attention back to taking care of ourselves, as Al-Anon helps us do, also changes the situation so much that the alcoholic goes into recovery. Obviously there are no guarantees. And it's not something that can be hurried or manipulated or engineered. But if we add our healthy stance to the equation, there's more health in the equation -- that make sense, doesn't it? And sometimes that extra health makes a difference to everyone.

The first thing is to learn all you can about alcoholism and how it affects us and pulls us into insanity too. Read the threads on the boards and get the Al-Anon literature and read it. Many people also find "Getting Them Sober" very helpful. There are free copies available here -- check the notice at the top of the board. When you can, you'll want to find a good local group (try several as they're all different), get a sponsor, and start working the steps. They don't call them "miracles" for nothing. Many people's lives have been turned around by this. It doesn't happen overnight, of course. But give it a try with an open mind. I know the situation with your daughter seems so urgent that it's hard to think of anything else, including taking care of yourself or getting better slowly. But the situation didn't get like this in a day, and it won't suddenly be solved in a day. Nevertheless there is great hope. Above all, keep coming back. Hugs to you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Dizbee...Don't give up hope. I have heard of people hitting even lower bottoms than that and still getting sober. I cannot tell you if she will get sober or will be a casualty of alcohol, but it certainly is possible she will get sober. Hitting bottom is horrific to the individual and their family...All alcoholics and addicts seem to need to sink to a point lower than they ever anticipated to finally get recovery. I just pray it doesn't take much more for her to lose.

My moniker on here is "Pinkchip" and that is because they give chips out in meetings where I live during the first year of recovery. I found MIP when I had 60 days sober and that chip was the Pink chip... They use poker chips to symbolize that when we drink we are gambling with our lives... Anyhow, I now have almost 2 and a half years sober...If I could do it, she can too.

dizbee · Member

I cried when I read your post, thank you for the hope. Sometimes it feels like there isn't any. I hope this is her bottom, she is 5 ft. 2 in. weighs 105 lbs, has beautiful blue eyes and long beautiful long blonde hair. She drinks until she cannot walk, talk, and just passes out, her blood alcohol in the hospital was 538 and she was not passed out, but talking to me. The doctor said he had seen grown men with half that alcohol in a coma. That scared me to death, she has a huge tolerance. I pray that she does make it, that something in her brain will click and she will say. NO MORE!

Thank you for words of comfort.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have given your post a lot of thought.

We all reach a place where we need help "right now!" Sadly it does not work that way. BUT it does help to hear others experiences. I hope you have found that to be true.

I am a real supporter of leaving them to their own path. That doing anything makes it worse.

BUT when you shared she is pregnant, I had to really rethink. I have worked with kids with FAS, fetal alcohol syndrome.

I believe addicts who are pg that smoke or do any drugs should be locked up until they have the baby. I find it criminal for them to continue their behavior. In a way criminal that we don't have more support for pg addict women who are using.

If my daughter was in your daughters place, being pg. I would bring her home. NO question. Its not so much for her as it is for that innocent baby.
And for the child and adult it may become.

I have seen many addicts who do go into detox, rehab and AA when they find themselves pg.

Is she willing to go right into detox, rehab and the 90 AA meetings in 90 days?

Are you sure she is pg or is it a manipulative lie? I tell ya, seriously, this may be a chance for your daughter and the child.

Myself I never wanted any regrets. So I stayed with my AH lots longer. I wanted to be SURE he was not him anymore before I cut him off.

(besides being A, he had a brain surgery after years of strong recovery and had a medical relapse)

Myself I would have to do all I could for that baby. If it went sour, then I would let it go, walk away.

She needs to see FAS babies and kids. She needs some hard core experiences,even going to a womens prison and talking to and listening to women who are pg and in prison. Becuz she is heading that way sooner or later. She could still end up in prison in the near future!

She is very young and very sick. Especially now.

I hope you keep coming here and sharing. We all care very much believe me. We know that horrible pain you are feeling. It's my experience when I am being proactive I feel better. Coming here to the board, chat and meetings. And also using the skills I knew with my A's disease.

Hon sometimes it takes 10 rehabs, 5 interventions before their light bulb goes on. Now especially since she is pg, I would grab this chance ASAP. The sooner the better for that baby.

I sure encourage you to get to meetings, come here. Its always been my feeling to have our child be the A in are life has to be the worst.

Please come back! love,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 6th of March 2011 02:59:44 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha again Dizbee...That certainly is a living example of chemical tolerance and it is
sad because it means that her system is literally on the edge. That is chemical over
dose especially for a female. Love her while you have her and keep turning her over
to your Higher Power. I will also. I know what alcohol overdose is and have attended
to alcoholics and addicts who have reached the upper limits of tolerance destroying
everything in them and around them in the process. My prayers are with you and
your family and certainly your daughter. (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I so agree with Debilyn, Your daughter is carrying another life, your Grandchild.

It does change everything. Ive never had a child that was the A, but have a nephew that is and he has had 3 DUI's and did jail time
in which he was beat up in jail for looking at another person. I agree with Debilyn, having a child with an addiction must be the worst.

I know it will not be easy having her in the home, thats why going to Alanon meetings and coming to this board is so important.

Even though some of us dont have children that are addicted, living and dealing with any alcoholic is like being with a child . All of us have been
to hell and back and still going thru it . Were all at different degrees of dealing with the disease of addiction.

The disease of alcohol affects them in the same way, whether your dealing with a young adult or older adults. They are Men and Women all with the same genetic
dispositions and the same compulsions.

All I can say is to really grasp onto Alanon, it will be your lifeline.

Luv, Bettina

dizbee · Member

I guess what you don't understand is that if I fly her home, back here to her old stomping grounds, where it all began, and she is still not taking her addiction seriously, then what would I do to keep her here and not with her friends drinking. Would I lock her in her room? IF she is not taking her pregnancy seriously now, how would that change here in my home. It wouldn't. I would merely be her plane fare home and then after a few days she would be out the door in touch with her old friends (which she stays in contact with on facebook). So you see her chances of getting sober are better in a place where she does not have too many drunk friends, but many sober AA people. So far those people have not helped much, but there she has more of a chance. I have to believe that. I cannot rescue her again, baby or not. I told her I would pay for the abortion (which I think she should have). I know there will be many that don't agree with me, but a baby with problems from alcohol is not what I want, what kind of a mother will she be? If she can't realize now with may doctors telling her, how would a baby that could have problems make her suddenly change. I can't take that chance, and I am not going to raise another child. It may sound cold, but I don't have it in me. She has sucked the life out of me.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

You sound very clear and realistic about the situation. No doubt she feels she'll be less stressed at home, but you know better: being at home will give her a worse chance, not a better one. It's like telling a toddler they can't eat chocolate cake for dinner and stay up all night. They insist it's the only thing that will make them happy, but you know it isn't good for them. So she's having her toddler reaction but you're still in the grown-up role, which is so wise. I know many people who have believed their alcoholic's claims and promises (me among them), and many people who have relented just because they can't stand the alcoholic's tantruming. You are setting a clear boundary and working to protect both of you.

It's so hard to endure the stress and the uncertainty, but no one can foretell the future, even when things look very bleak. Even as we accept that bad things are happening, we need to remember that. Please keep taking care of yourself. Remember that there is a board full of people here who support you, and there are more waiting for you in the meeting rooms when you can get to them. Hugs.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((dizbee))) I have no ESH to share on this as I have no children. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I understand how you feel she is better off where she is than back at home with her drinking friends. I also understand how an abortion may be the best thing in this situation. I'm sure there are those out there who don't agree, but no one here is going to judge you(or me). Most of all, I just want you to know that you are not alone. You and your daughter will be in my prayers. Please keep coming back and keep us posted. And please, take care of yourself.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

(((dizbee)))

I am sorry you are faced with such difficult decisions and pain from how alcohol has affected your life. My qualifier is not a child. I do understand being awed at the body's ability to keep going and the addict's will to continue, my exah was tested 8 hours after an automobile accident and had a blood alcohol level of 3.86 with no oppurtunity to drink in between. I can not imagine what it was at the time of then accident. Thankfully nobody was hurt and it did get him off the roads. I had to change my perception at some point and start making the best choices for me to live with in the long run. I do not know if there are ever any truly right or wrong decisions in the insanity of addiction but there are right for me decisions. In making them it helps to me look at the realistic outcomes of each, not projected fears but realistic outcomes and then find through careful meditation what I can accept living with the best. I find most decisions are easier once I put to rest my fears, guilt, hope and expectations and find that calm acceptance of my decision no matter what it is. I wish for you to find that small bit of peace. Many prayers for both you and your family.

Jen

Samsgram · Senior Member

Hello Dizzbee and welcome!

I want you to know that everything you have said I can totally relate to. I too have a daughter who has been using either alcohol or drugs from a young age. For years I didn`t
know if I was coming or going. To see these beautiful young women with so much potential self destructing has been beyond comprehension for a long time for me. She
got pregnant almost 8 years ago and stopped using while she was pregnant. Her and the father, (her drug dealer) were in lala land for a short time... Then reality hit and she went back to her old ways.
You never know what the future holds. For me, I never thought I could or would even want
a grandchild but I took custody of the little girl for about a year. My daughter has been in and out of programs, detoxs over the years. My grandaughter is 7 now and she has had a tough time. She has been back with her mom for quite awhile now, she adores her mother.
For me I love that child more than anything, enough so that I wanted to change my life so that I can find healthier ways to deal with her mother. So I decided to make it a point to get to Alanon and learn how to find better coping tools. I know how hard this is for you.
Please get to some meetings. There is also open chat in the meeting room most all the time. I will be thinking of you and your daughter and keeping you in prayer.

Blessings,
Rosanne

lifegoezon21 · Newbie

Dizbee I am so sorry you are going through this but I truley commend you for sticking to your guns. She needs this tough love right now. My family wants to send my 26 yo brother to rehab but we dont have the money (I just posted here for any ideas as to how we can get him into one). He (my brother) is in the hospital tonight after a drunken rage and of course he will probably sleep fine while the rest of us lay eyes wide open in bed. It's just awful.

dizbee · Member

My husband woke me up at 1 a.m. and said he thinks he needs to go to Utah to try and straighten out some of her mess. Also, when she was taken to the hospital because of drinking too much last week, her dog was left in the house of this person she was visiting, the grown children of this person took her dog to Idaho and had a car accident and the dog ran away from the scene. I am just sick over this. This dog has been her lifeline, so now what. My husband wants to go and try and find her dog. We are just sick about this. What do we do? Do we do nothing? Or do we do something. I love that dog as much as she does and it makes me sick. This is of her doing I know, but this dog means everything to her. So what now? Ihave prayed so hard that this little pug will be safe and found. Sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be good again.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry to hear about the dog. I would make contact with the animal shelter in the town where the dog is lost. Frequently they have online pictures of the dogs they take in. That would allow you to keep tabs without going out there. If the dog is found, you can arrange for it to be retrieved somehow. Does the dog have an electronic chip? If so, the shelter or whoever finds it can scan for the chip and it will reveal the owner (though you'd have to figure out what phone they'd call and have someone monitor it).

Hugs to you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Praying with you for your intentions

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dizbee I sure relate to the life sucked from me comment!

I can only share my experience. For me, in this situation, I would have to go for it at least one time, for the baby.

You could very well be right, she is better off in Utah.

As far as the dog, find the Craigslist in her area, post about the lost dog. That is one of the best ways to find them besides shelters. I hope the pug found some caring person to take it in.

It's just my nature to fight for a child. She has never been pg before? So it may change things for you to be very wanting to help her and her baby.

But it is not my choice, you know the situation better than I do!

I am glad you are sharing here. Love,deb

dizbee · Member

Debilyn,
I just found out an hour ago that she was transferred from the detox she was in to a facility called Center for Women and Children, this means she is probably going to keep her baby. This program is for a few months and then there is the possibility that she can go to another place where she will be transitioned back into society and taught parenting skills etc. If she stays, the baby will have a chance. We will see. Thanks for all the kind words from everyone on this board.

I feel like I have a new family, the kind of family that knows about my alcoholic daughter and is not judging us. I feel as though when I look around at my friends with nonalcoholic children, they are looking back at me wondering what we did wrong. It feels like we did something really, really wrong.

Debbie

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that feeling that I must have done something wrong. I think that's from our desperate need to think that alcoholism is controllable. The "if only"s. Whenever any kind of disaster strikes, we try to think how we might have prevented it if only...

Also, sometimes other people keep themselves feeling safe by thinking, "This happened to them because they didn't do things right. But it won't happen to us because we do things right."

After I started being familiar with alcoholism, though, I found that it affected far more people than I had realized. That divorced friend? Turns out her husband was an alcoholic, though she never talked about it. That other divorced friend? Same story. That friend who has a "troublesome" son? Turns out the "trouble" is alcohol. Suddenly I was seeing that it was all around me; it's just that people weren't talking about it. Really I suspect 99% of the world could benefit from Al-anon.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Dizbee... I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have received a lot of great feedback, experience and hope on your post. I hope all this helps you on your path to finding peace and serenity for yourself in the middle of all the chaos.

Your daughter and your family will be in my thoughts. Please keep coming back and keep us posted. I can't even put into words how much Alanon has helped me, even though I resisted it for a while and thought I didn't need it - This fellowship of people sharing different but very similar experiences makes me feel at home, finally understood, finally accepted as is, never judged. It's a beautiful thing.

((HUGS))

Danielle

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Dizbee...nothing you did or didn't do could have caused your daughter to be alcoholic. A large part of it is genetic...I am glad she is safe for the time being.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

OH I am so happy for you and yours! Isn't this great? She was able to make some great steps on her own!

Hopefully now you guys can take a breath, and build yourselves back up.

You really did a wise, and very strong action by allowing her to find her path on her own!

love,deb

4Horses · Member

I just registered for the site. I typed in "my 28 year old daughter is an alcoholic" and bingo I got your post as the number one hit. Let me tell you I feel your pain. Fortunately we have not gotten to that extreme to date. However, my daughter is headed in that direction. She is successful, a college graduate, and had everything going for her. She won't tell me what happened, but she is fighting depression, and instead of a therapist, or even talking to me she has chosen the almighty bottle.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im so sorry dizbee. I understand up to a point. My son is a drinker too. You sound so strong and having experience with a self destructive adult child I think you made the right decision of not taking her home, for you and for her. I dont think anyone should be telling you to take her back for any reason.

You have no power over her choices, pregnant or not and in fact I truly believe its even more important to let her fall and hope she reaches bottom sooner rather than later. Even then, theres no guarantee. You are powerless over her disease and the quicker you step right back the quicker she has a chance. Everytime someone picks her up she gets in a little deeper safe in the knowledge that someone will pick her up. Let her fall, feel the full consequences of her actions.

All you can do is pray for the unborn baby, thats it. I think its easy to bring it all back to you, well shes pregnant so now you need to try extra hard, as if you always had power but just never done it right. Theres a judgement right there, mother to mother. Well, mother of an a to mother of an a. You have no power, you never have and never will. Shes an adult, all be it a pregnant adult but it changes nothing in my eyes. I hope you keep coming back, pick up the literature especially the starter pack, its cheap and easy to get if you cant get to a meeting, go to the alanon website and click shop.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This is an old post, from 2011, it would be good to know how their doing now.

-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 05:20:22 AM

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