He loves me then he pushes me away. - Al-Anon Family Group

parfait624 · Veteran Member

He loves me then he pushes me away.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Parfait,

Sorry for all your stress and pain, but such is the rollercoaster of Alcoholism. I imagine that he was not being honest with you about his recovery and sounds like he was drinking, but thats neither here nor there, doesnt matter.

My XA husband was a regular Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, especially when he was hitting the vodka.

Im glad that you found your way here. You are in the right place for we have all walked in your shoes. We can never figure out why they drink, or try to keep tabs of how much they drink, or if they are drinking or not. We can find serenity for ourselves in Alanon and bring ourselves back to sanity and find some answers and solutions for us.

Stay around and ask questions, read Alanon material, let us share our experiences and hope wtih you. See if you can attend a face to face Alanon meeting, it will help you immensely.

Wishing you courage and strength, Luv, Bettina

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Parfait,

You're in the right place. It is wonderful you recognize the confusion you feel and reached out for help. Being with an addict is too difficult to handle alone. Many of us often feel like we're dealing with insanity or feeling insane. Many of us also came to alanon feeling alone and lonely.

The Jeckyl-Hyde personality is classic in active addicts and often present sober, but without working a strong recovery program. It does take by surprise and is intended to keep others off-balance to ultimately play a role that supports the disease of alcoholism/ addiction. It is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease.

Alcoholics can be charming, talented, intelligent, etc and it is normal be attracted to this in a partner. I have often heard that an alcoholic's maturity level is at the age that person had started drinking; only to continue maturing if the person works an active recovery program. It is possible that this man likes you but is not able to engage in a 'normal' relationship due to the disease. It could also be that his disease is looking for it's next support. It is not necessary to make any decisions unless there comes a time that you feel ready to make one.

The principles of Alanon give us new tools to handle difficult situations. Go to meetings, come to these message boards, and learn all you can about the disease and Alanon. It takes time to absorb and practice, so give it a good chance.

Glad you are here.

tlcate · Senior Member

Hello Parfait,

Welcome to the MIP family, it sounds as though you have found the right place and we are so glad you are here.

Your story sounds similar to mine - wonderful highs, love, and great times - and desperately painful lows. Pregnancy, loosing the baby, accusations - been through all of it and it hurts so very badly. I know.

In the beginning of recovery I was desperately looking for all the answers about him. Why did he do this? What can I change? How can I get him back? If he doesn't love me . . . no one can. The desperate yearning for those wonderful highs, and even some of those desperate lows. "I love him enough it is worth that pain."

REALLY?

We had been through the push pull thing SOOOO many times - and I had pushed and pulled more than him, but we both did our fair share. Again, on this wildly swinging pendulum of love and hate. Distrust and betrayal.

Then, thanks to Al-Anon I finally woke up. It doesn't have to be this way. Is this what I really want? Why I am I allowing someone to treat me this way? Suddenly my focus, my questions, my concern switched to me. These were questions I could answer. These were changes I COULD MAKE! I couldn't change him. Not that he couldn't change - but I COULDN'T DO IT. He had to do it himself. And I needed to stop hanging my hope, love, and happiness on promises of love and a life together and start looking at his actions. Is treating someone like that REALLY LOVE? REALLY?

In a recent post someone mentioned that we attract "like" people. Unhealthy people get together with unhealthy people. One of the other comments - they didn't really like this statement because they were nothing like their alcoholic. I think this is a perfect opportunity to shed some light on that.

My ex and I got together because we were both unhealthy people. People who live their lives based in fear, insecurity, distrust are not healthy people. (Raising my hand high here) Now I might have a fear based personality and it comes in the form of me needing someone to care for me, complete me, I am needy and hang onto someone who abuses me because I don't believe I deserve any better. I lash out in anger, become abusive in my own way at this other person and become someone I don't really like. The other person is also fear based, untrusting, disloyal, insecure, incomplete - and this is also unhealthy. They cheat, lie, make promises they do not keep, and are also abusive.

The minute I am with someone that is incomplete - it is like me saying "Here, you can have my arm since I see you are missing one. Or perhaps it is even bigger - here is my leg. Or with many of us - here is my heart." Now, if you GIVE that to someone, how do you function in a healthy manner? And visa versa. If I am not complete and expect someone to complete me - we are both crippled at that point.

My goal is to become complete. Not live a fear based life. Be secure in who I am. Then I hope to attract someone like that. I want to stand side by side with someone who is whole and healthy and walk through life together. Some who supports and trusts me and I them. Pick each other up - we will both fall, we are human. But in the end I do not want to be with someone who takes from me, who puts me down, who distrusts me to fill themselves up. And I don't want to be the person who willingly gives this to anyone. My self confidence, my love for myself, they are mine to protect. No one is going to protect those for me - regardless of how much I wish my knight in shining armor would come and do that. My virtues are mine to build and keep sacred. The minute I let someone harm them, take them, mistreat them - well the outcome is obvious.

Sorry that was so much and so harsh. I guess your story just hit home. Having a man question the validity of a pregnancy, then the paternity - when you have been more loyal than they could ever guess is just .... sorry. Sore spot for me and for you too I am sure. I am sorry you lived through that. We are the ONLY ones who can change ourselves and how we allow ourselves to be treated.

tlc

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone. You are all 110% right I can't do anything to change him. I have to find a way to get myself over the hurdles, to not feel sad, to make myself whole. I knew when I got back into this relashionship it was not going to be perfect all the time. I knew I had to work on me and let him work on him. I have seen a shrink for the past two years. I realize many of my issues and have been reading and working on them as best I can. But with my BF some days all I have been working on goes out the window.
I think I do need to find a meeting to find others that can relate to what I am going through. I made a commitment to my BF, I told him as long as he was willing to fight this diesese I would be by his side. The love we feel for each other is real. I will not let this sickness kill that. I told him once it's like living with a cancer that you can never cure that will make it presence known whenever it feels like. The people around you will say they feel your pain, but do they really? They have a choice to be there for you while you are fighting it, or to walk away when it becomes too much for them to handle. I would never let him die alone. I'm glad I'm here and I am open to advice.

failte · Senior Member

Hi Tricia

I do belive we attrace "like for like" its never obvious at first, and sometimes it even seems that we were attracted to someone because they were the complete opposite of us on the outside, if you take my hubby, he was very rich, me very poor, he is very shy, I was very outgoing, everything he likes I dont, music, sport, etc etc, it was so odd that we even got together, and yet, if you were to look inside, we didnt like ourselfs, had no respect for ourselfs, hated ourselfes, both came from alcoholic familes, both had dysfunctional familes,

we both wanted to self destruct, we were both addicted to drama, stress, ruining our lives seperately, then came together to ruin them for each other,

My first marraige my husband was really violent, he reminded me of my father and provided the kind of awful sick abuse I received as a child, the childhood I had caused me a lot of damage, so I married my first husband so he would continue that damage as I didnt know love, or healthy ways, I only knew sick ways, and he was very good at giving me sick,

I didnt like, respect, or care about me, so I choose a man who didnt like, respect or care about me, I choose a man who hated women, because my father did, I really do believe we are chemically attracted to our partners thats it complicated, complex and takes many years to work out how to grow and become healthy and get well, to like ourselfs and to respect ourselfs, when we do, then we pick men who like us, respect us and care about us,

failte

tiffany6180 · Member

Your story sounds like me and my ex AB. He would always come back into my life saying he changed, and then a month to a month and a half later would push me away. He would run off on a binge and would tell me he hated me, never loved me, that we just dont get along..which wasn't true, we got along great when he was sober. He would always come back with all the apologies in the world and tell me how much he DOES love me. It was such a yo-yo. I agree that I think he was drinking and you were unaware.

Thank you for your story. It makes it easier reading more and more stories just like mine.

Good luck.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Tiffany,
Seriously I was so confused as to what was going on....I didn't realize until I found this board that the push and pull is part of being an alcoholic. I have my suspicions that he did drink, but he denys it. My AB always wants to seem like he is in control he tells me 98% of what is going on. Drinking would be failing that would allow me to see he can lose control. When he started getting sober he starting playing poker, like he went to the world series, but to me that only adds to his list of addictions. Replacing drinking with gambling. He was on a high with the cards for a while and recently he started losing. I think that may have triggered something.
But you are all right there is always some kind of an excuse. First it was he can't trust me, now it's we didn't get to "court" each other when we started dating. Or that his mom has issues with me, yet he refuses to let me clear the air. But none of those excuses come up until he wants to push me away. Prior to that it's all babe you're the best. I don't get it. Why push the one person away who is there to help and loves you no matter what.

parfait624 · Veteran Member

I guess the big question to those with experiance or the experts is this....how much space or time do I give my AB? He says he needs to figure himself out, take a sabatical. But what is fair? I want to see him, I want answers. Do I give him a week, a month, two months. Do I let him contact me or do I demand he give me an exact time frame? I am just so frustrated.

tlcate · Senior Member

No experts here, we are all still practicing. All we can offer is our experience, strength & hope.

My experience - don't bother with demands.

I will give advice here because I believe it with all my heart. Take this time to focus on YOURSELF. Don't worry about how long, what he is doing, his recovery . . . anything.

You can take this opportunity to let the dust settle, ease some of the ache in your heart, learn more about alcoholism and what he is suffering. There is no reason you can't stand by him, love and support him through this - but at the same time you can learn tools that will help you do that with the least damage to yourself. AND you will learn what things DO NOT help him. (Demands would be high on the list)

We by no means advocate leaving your alcoholic - or staying with him. In fact, when we hear stories of good recovery for BOTH in a working relationship we all SMILE BIG here. It is true success. I have had a very small taste of good recovery in a relationship - and it is definitely something to strive for. But you can't do it focusing on him. You HAVE to focus on yourself and learn tools to take care of YOU first. But your oxygen mask on before assisting others.

Just let him be. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless.

Just my take . . . of course opinions are like . . . well you get the point.

tlc

parfait624 · Veteran Member

Thank you...I'm going to take the high road of being there for him from a distance for the next few weeks while I sort me out. We didn't decide the break up forever, I left with a hug and a kiss. I want to do this together. The last time when he still hadn't been through his 12 steps this happened we both took the low road. It was full of fighting and demands. We hated each other for a year at least. I was so hurt and didn't understand why my world got turned upside down. I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow night. I'm hoping to meet some people who can relate to what I am going through. Again it would be so easy if he just said I need a couple of weeks, I'm going through something with my Alcoholism. Then we will pick things back up. But, as I'm reading all across this board thats not how A's work. He has to tell me the most terrible things, like I never loved you, I never will, etc. I will never judge him and I only want to understand something that is so strange to me. I would love to say I could give up drinking alcohol myself, liquer and beer no problems. But, I love a good glass of wine at the end of the week with my jane austen novel. It's give and it's take. The good news I have made the decision to attend a meeting, I have decided to join a yoga studio, I'm going to learn reiki healing, and I dedicated myself to writing a blog everyday for the next 365 days about my life and it's ups and downs. Anyone is welcome to follow me on blogspot if they like www.americasultimatedysfunctionalmiss.blogspot.com I will be sure to let you all know how my first meeting went. I think the Jewish religion has a beautiful saying when it comes to relashionships. We must not fall into love because when we do that is exactly what happens we fall. We lose who we are and utlimately become lost in the other person and one day it falls apart. You are left alone because you don't even have you. The goal is to climb into love day by day. Take the ladder step by step. Sometimes one of you may fall the question is are you both willing to start from the bottom and keep climbing ;)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.