The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I broke up with my alcoholic finacee after he did not deal with his drinking problem seriously enough. When I walked away from him, I was so happy for myself to be able to have the guts to do it, I felt sense of freedom, I felt that I no longer need to babysit a drunk, how wonderful....
It has been a month now since the break up. We talked through the phone a few times, everytime I talked with him, I felt more upset. In the beginning of the break up, I still can cope with the loss, but now, I feel weaker and weaker day after day, I miss him and want to go back to see whether he is ok, but I know I can't. I shouldn't. I still love him and care about him a lot. Those memories of him being sober is like a drug to me, keep dragging me to want to go back to his side....He is trying to overcome his addiction and he would like me to be there for another chance once he is coming out from the other side. I told him repeatly that was not possible but I can feel that my heart becomes softer and sofer...
I need help, I talk with my councilors, my family and friends, still I am sinking...
Number one, A's do not overcome their addiction. It is a disease they do not get cured of.
I had to ask myself if I could live with all the parts of him. When he was on program, when he relapses, when he goes through some hard stuff that A's cannot handle well. I look at the tough stuff.Not the way he is when he is sober and on program.
Looks to me you have answered your own question. Of course you love him,want to be with the clean on program person, we all do.However do you want to live through the other?
Do you want kids? Do you want to bring them into this type of relationship?
It is hard to leave them, horribly hard. I thought my stomach was going to fall out it hurt so bad. I had to try over and over until there was nothing left of him. I knew when I was all finished.
Have you gotten involved with friends? Doing things you love to do? Have you pushed it out of your mind for awhile,you know we don't have to think about it all the time? Sometimes it helps to let it go awhile, as you said you just don't know.for me that is answering my own question, when you don't know, they why not rest it?
I can so identify with you on how this all affects us and why I think, I am in similar circumstances also, and I have my good days when I feel strong and upbeat, and then I have my wobbly days when I feel it would be easier for me to revert back to what was familiar and comfy, the difference is now, I know what to expect if I do that, what I think we have to do is to remember why we are here and what has brought us here, it takes great strength of character to take responsibility for ourselves in situations like this, and the hardest part is there are two sides to the people we love, when we feel wobbly our minds only want to think about the good in the realationship, and yes these people we love are great and have so much about them we love, and I hope for me that that love for them will always remain, but You know like I do, we leave for a reason if all was well we wouldn't have had to do this, I am glad you posted this this morning I was feeling wobbly too, and a problem shared, stay strong we can do this!
What would be good for you right now is lots of face to face Alanon meetings and a possible sponsor.
What we get addicted to is the alcoholic and the dynamics of the relationship. Not saying you dont love him, but love has nothing to do with this powerful disease
Until we learn what the disease is about and what we want for our life, we need the program.
Read all you can get your hands on and keep coming back to the board and talk to us.
Stay strong. Remember that the disease of alcoholism is powerful, baffling. The disease is talking. Go to meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor, and keep coming back to MIP.
Seems like the longer we are away from the alcholoic or addict we tend to remember the good times and push the bad times to the back of our minds. We want to believe that this is something that can be cured with enough love. If that were true there would be no alcholics/addicts. You say he wants you there when he comes out the other side, he is working on his problem..is he going to meetings? actually doing recovery work? or is he of the mind he can cut back or control his drinking. If he is not in true recovery than you end up with a "dry drunk" with no behavior changes which sometimes is worse than when they are drinking. My belief is ACTIONS speak louder that words... he will say anything to draw you back in that's how this disease works. You have shown alot of courage to walk away from the relationship before marrying him and making things so much more complicated. I would urge you strongly to find some alanon meetings and attend those, read the literature and work the program. I think you will hear your story told over and over again. You will learn the tools you need to take care of yourself and stay strong. Blessings
I think we fall in love with the *potential* we see in the good times , unfortunatly they dissapear way too soon .. separation takes time to adjust to ,find meetings f2f in your area your life has been affected by someone elses drinking and u too need to recover . Its ok to love an alcoholic just not at our expence , if we dont get back what were willing to give love dies , with out justice it just won't work. we are encouraged to let go of the past but sometimes I believe we need to remember exactly why we left. hang in there.you will be just fine
Ada you can go back...best to go back with boundaries for yourself and a plan you can work. Going back for a visit or to get re-involved and stay. Are you gonna go back because you are afraid of your future or want to enjoy the now with someone you are familiar with. Going back to be nosey about what he is or isn't doing or going back just to participate in present day good stuff. Going back with strength or weakness.
Do you have a sponsor? Knowledgable and experienced sponsors are much more valueable than alcoholic relationships. One can keep you sane, healthy, strong and alive and the other can take you down in a second against your will.
So how do you want to go back. Is going back feeding your addiction to him? If it is give yourself another 60 days of Al-Anon/MIP first and then look at another attempt. The alcoholic is addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to the alcoholic. True? False? You can go back...what do you want to happen if and when you do? I went back 4 to 5 times. Each time I went back I had less time in my own recovery and the only consequence was the situation got worse which is what it was supposed to do, inspite of what I thought, felt or wanted.
If you're interested in purchasing literature, I'd recommend "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses"
I've just recently separated from my AH - divorce papers are in the works. I know from past experience, there's a chance for a while there that I'll miss all the good times and start looking outside myself and beyond my Higher Power, and think that I should try to reconcile things with my AH. I know it's a dead-end that would only lead to frustration, resentment and heartache. I don't enjoy dwelling on the bad times, but sometimes it does help me when I start getting lonely and have that strange urge to reconcile, to remember all the unacceptable alcoholic behavior - the lying, the cheating, the irresponsible spending, the verbal abuse, the heartbreak, and the unwillingness on his part to get help. When I recall those things... when I remember "if nothing changes, then nothing changes" and that my AH without a doubt feels no need to change, I then feel grateful for having the courage to leave and save myself.
Thank you so much for all of your replies. I feel totally overwhelmed by all of your kind comments and wise suggestions.
So far as I know, my AH does not go to AA as he thinks he can deal with his addiction by using Cognitive Behaviour Therapy books and going to psychologists. I have tried so many times to let him go to AA but he refused. A few months ago, he also went to a rehabilitation centre for three weeks and remained clean for another four weeks then he relapsed. So, you may all can see that he may have very little chance to recover according to his action right now, but, I am still silly enough to believe maybe, just maybe one day, he can overcome his addiction....I hate this believe totally, just somehow in my brain, maybe some chemicals there just make this believe more and more believable as time passing by.
Yes, I so agreed with Jerry that I think I am addictive to him as he is addictive to his bottles. I am never really confident enough about myself and I keep thinking what happens if I could never find a guy like my AH when he is sober of course. Because I have this fear, I am more likely to be drawn back to him especially when he starts making beautiful promises with his innocent heart when he is sober, but he could go back to drinking right now and change to a total jerk.
I am so glad that I found all of you here. I will definitely come back often and at the meanwhile, I will join a local al-anon group and start reading their literatures. Oh, one more thing, for the suggestions of finding a sponsor, that is when I go to the meetings and then talk with the local group and see whether they can provide one, right?
