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Post Info TOPIC: Tips on how to stop enabling...


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 776
Date:
Tips on how to stop enabling...


Many times while trying to help, friends and family members actually make the situation worse by enabling the alcoholic.
Here's some tips on how to stop enabling the alcoholic from comfortably continuing his current patterns:
  1. Cease doing anything that allows the alcoholic to continue their current lifestyle.
  2. Do nothing to 'help' the alcoholic that he/she could or would be doing themself if they were not drinking.
  3. Stop lying, covering up, or making excuses for the alcoholic, such as 'calling in sick' for him/her.
  4. Do not take on responsibilites or duties that rightfully belong to the alcoholic.
  5. Do not give or loan the alcoholic money.
  6. Don't 'rescue' the alcoholic by bailing him out of jail or paying his fines.
  7. Do not scold, argue or plead with the alcoholic.
  8. Do not react to his latest misadventures, so that he can respond to your reaction rather than his actions.
  9. Do not try to drink with the alcoholic.
  10. Set boundaries, don't make threats, and stick to them.
  11. Carefully explain to the alcoholic the boundaries that you have set, and explain that the boundaries are for you, not for him.
Tips:
  1. Many times when an alcoholic's enabling system is removed, the fear will force them to seek help, but there are no guarantees.

To learn more about enabling and the family disease of alcoholism, attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area.



__________________

" And what did we gain?  A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."

(Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,Step 3. pg 21)

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~*Service Worker*~

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number 9? If I go out to dinner with an A who is still drinking, are you saying I cannot have a glass of wine?

I am thinking you mean not to drink to oblivian with them? I sure do agree with this.

Myself, my experience is the A's disease is not going to dictate it if I want to have a beer or whatever. I don't drink but want to clarify this.

If my disease caused others to change what they ate or drank it would make me feel guilty.
Thank you, these are great reminders. debilyn


__________________
Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon


Veteran Member

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I always have trouble with #7 and #8. I have feelings and emotions and not expressing them because of a possible outcome from another person seems like a manipulation on my part. If my A has done something to tick me off, I want to let him know.

I will not protect him from my anger when he has done something wrong. And sometimes life happens and I react. I don't think having a reaction to something happening is a bad thing. Nor do I believe my reaction to anything will make an A drink.

Now, I have gotten to a point of detatchment with my A that I don't feel the need to react or argue. But that was a long time coming. Previoulsy, I was Not reacting and Not arguing with the intent to manipulate the A into asking me what was wrong or changing his behavior.

I think it is a fine line and not a line that a newcommer recognizes.

Just my ESH...

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RLC


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1485
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John. Your post reinforced a decision I had made that that did not involve my alcoholic, but reguardless I was having second thoughts about it. It reminded me that I had made the right decision, and that I needed to file my second thoughts where they belong----In the trash.

RLC why do you have to be reminded to practice what you preach---ATCOYF ?

Thanks John,
RLC

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~*Service Worker*~

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ya debily, I can agree about #9 - I was told that they are going to do what they are going to in spite of what I do or dont do.  On the flip side, guess it makes us "a trigger" and one of the old - people, places & things. 
   I'd take it on an individual basis, like if my husband came home from a rehab center and wanted all alcohol out of the house, I would consider doing that maybe for a set time period -idk - it feels manipualtive of me, Idk.  LOL  Hard to answer, as I rarely drink anymore (that was a personal choice) and I dont live with active addiction anymore.

I fall back on what I was told initially in the rooms of AA & NA when I went to support a friend 20+ yrs ago in recovery - which is the A will do what they will do in spite of what we do or dont do.

Today, I stay far away from the trap of blame-manipulation and only take responsibility for me, working that loving detachment consciously & continuously from other people's issues, feelings, attitudes, et cetera.

Thanks for this post John, its very helpful.  I also had to add (for myself) worrying for others (now I pray and give them over to HP) and obsessing on or about them, as it was a form of enalbing the disease as well.  Obsessing for them, is my disease, now I focus on me.

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.


~*Service Worker*~

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Free again, Its ok to let an alcoholic know how you are feeling and if you are angry with him, but I always tried to pick a moment, usually in the morning when he was somewhat sober.

I would have to remind him of what he did when he was drunk as he would not remember. Its better when your both calm.

You can say what you mean, but dont say it mean.!! Lets face it , when they are drunk and your yelling at them, which I have done on many occasions with the x ah, all you manage to do is upset yourself.

John, thank you for posting the list. I am divorced from the A, but we still see eachother occasionally, he has been sober for 6 months. He knows he cannot be drunk around me and he's usually not. That is my boundary.

Thank you, Bettina 

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Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

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John,
Thanks. I am pinning this one up. While I don't have the active "A" in my life 24/7 I need these tools still to avoid slipping into old patterns of behavior.

Mandy

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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall

God is seldom early, but he is never late.



~*Service Worker*~

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Higher Recovery Education....YAY!!   Practice, Practice, Practice.

Mahalo John..  ((((hugs)))) smile

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 776
Date:

I was told early on in my recovery that I could do anything I wanted to do with 3 conditions;

I was willing to reap the benefits
I was willing to suffer the consciquences
I didn't care how it might effect others.

These seemingly narrowed what I was willing to do, especially number 3.  Because I do care.  Which means I might have to sacarfice doing some things that would otherwise seem harmless, and I would have done from a place of indiffference in the past.

John

__________________

" And what did we gain?  A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."

(Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions,Step 3. pg 21)

big-bigger-faith-fear-god-Favim.com-288081.jpg

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2783
Date:

I like this list John, all of it...

I'd simply add the caveat "except when it is in my best interest to do so"....  this is mainly for financial reasons, but things like "paying a bill that allows you to keep electricity on in your house" comes to mind....  we need to practice self-care - always.

The few ones that have been question - i.e. #7,8,&9 - I think these are good "guidelines", and each person can apply them as need be, to their unique situation....  Bottom line is - active A's will "use" situations to try to continue in their addiction - this list helps remind us of not giving them any addition fodder for that...

Take care
Tom 

__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"Focus on the whats, and not the whys, as the whys will eat us up"

 

 

 

 

T


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:

I'm new and this is my first post.

About #9: My A fell off last weekend, dropped to his knees, said he had a problem and asked me not to have A in the house at all. (I don't like having it in the house anyway and he knows this).
I feel like I need to stop drinking COMPLETELY in order to set an example.
I enjoy a couple of glasses of wine on the weekends sometimes, but now, I feel like I ABSOLUTLEY should not drink because of his problem.

He always wants to "dine" as a barfly, so....I'm not even sure what to do when he wants to go out to eat? Should I set a boundry and say: "Absolutley no sitting at the bar"? (I don't enjoy that anyway and he knows this. I would rather sit at a table).

------------------>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Additionally and a little off topic:

My A just texted me asking me what I am doing.
I wanted sooo much to tell him I am on an Al anon website....Should I?
Should I let him know I've been looking into it?

AAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

I'll post my story and situation in another thread.

Thanks in advance for the support.

__________________
T


Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:

Well, I just found out that he is at a bar on his lunch break and told him I'm on an Al anon website.
I really hope this wasn't a mistake.

I'm just sick of it and I'm trying to let him know that his actions are affecting me.

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