The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
and has not gone to one meeting yet. How disappointing! I am sure that he was drinking the day after he came out. I have to say that I was totally shocked about it. I have refrained from confronting him about it. What good would it do? I really can not be around him much anymore....drinking or not drinking. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Half measures availed us nothing keeps going through my head. I need a f2f sponser fast and I need to start working the 12 steps. My life is unmanageable in many areas.
My granddaughters were visiting this weekend. I know he loves than more than anything but he is not able to interact with them. I cannot stand to watch it anymore. He wants to hug and cuddle and love them. They want to play. He leaves that part up to everyone else. I seriously need to make some changes. For now, my best friend's husband passed away and I have come to stay with her for a couple nights. It is so nice to be away from A son , husband and my unmanaged house. I am terribly unhappy and just really don't know how to make the changes I need to. I am afraid to make the changes because I do not trust my decisions now. I know I could stay with my BF for as long as I needed but the truth is she needs to be able to stay alone at some point. I want my own place to live I just don't know if I want to live on my own.
I cannot make any decisions with the way I am feeling at the moment but I have been asking my HP to please show me a different way to deal with this life.
Thanks to Alanon I know that there is nothing I can do about my son. I know he has a 12 step program in his life now if he so chooses to use it. All I know for sure is that I am miserable and very depressed when I have to go home.
I can relate to you post in so many ways....I am sorry that your son did not use the tools he learned in rehab...it happens so often...people come out of rehab and right back the the drug of choice without giving sobriety a chance....a suggestion is to make him go to a half way house.....that way you can take control of your home and life again...just an option you have available to you.
Prayers for your friend, the loss of a husband can be a living nightmare...this I know first hand....she will need your support how lucky she is to have a friend like you.
Keep working your program...you have no control over his.....my prayers are with you dear friend.
I'm sorry about your son. Sometimes the best thing we can do to help ourselves is to step away from the situation for the moment. Helping your friend not only will help her but you as well. My sympathies to your friend on her loss. I know how hard that can be. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sorry that your son is not ready to ask for and recieve help. It can only happen in HP's time.
But I am glad for you that you now know that you ARE ready to get the help you so desperately need. I have heard it said in this program to make not major changes for 6 months. I think that is good. I know I was in no position to make any life changing decisions that early in recovery.
Please get to as many meetings as possible, including at some point, some open AA meetings. They are valuable to our understanding of the disease. You said you need to find a sponsor and that is good.
You are definately on the right track. It will work for you if you work it.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I am so sorry to hear about your son. I know how hard it is to watch the destruction and to be powerless.
Your friend is fortunate that you are able to be with her, the loss of a spouse is extremely difficult.
PLease try to be gentle with yourself. Awareness and acceptance are two very important parts of change . I hear your sadness and disappointment and the urge to change your life. This is how I felt when I first walked in the rooms of alanon. Something had to change and alanon told me it was ME. I picked up each tool and used it because MY LIFE DID Depend on it.
I decided to jump all the way into the program:
I went to a meeting a day for 3 years Made and continue to make a gratitude list each day Read C2Cor ODAT each morning Call sponser daily Talk to Sponsee daily Work steps daily Come here and share
All of that worked for me but I know if I stop doing all of my dail routines I will be right beack to the worry, self pity, anger and fear that drove my life for so long I believe my serenity is worth using the tools daily.
My daughter has been in rehab 1 week today and has detoxed and been very good about doing all the work so far. But she does not want to complete the 28 days, never mind 90 days. She hates the process and believes she can do it her own way, with counseling and meetings. BUT she is an ALCOHOLIC, with no support system and no tools and no sponsor. She has not yet launched her life, so we are supporting her and I don't know how I can disengage. I am a newby here and have gone to a couple alanon meetings, and many AA meetings, but I can't get a grip on the anxiety that hits me like a truck. Do I try to keep her in rehab using tough love? I am enjoying being able to relax and know that she is safe and sober in rehab.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. I don't know the age of your daughter, so I'm not sure you can keep her in rehab if she doesn't want to stay there - especially if she is an adult. I do know that it is wise for you to be attending Al-Anon meetings. Others will weigh in on this topic that may have more e/s/h to share with you. My son is an adult A. I learned that he had a right to make decisions and to suffer the consequences of those decisions. He has been in rehab, jail and prison and has gone through a tremendous amount of alcohol induced trauma. I was and am powerless over him and over his disease. I learned how to detach in Al-Anon and I have also had to put up strong boundaries when he is active and out of control. I also cannot let him live with me. I will not finance anything for him. I will not pity him. I pray for him. I'm physically available to him when he isn't using and caught up in a lot of drama and I'm not physically available to him when he is using and re-trashing his life because it drags me down with him. Keep going to Al-Anon and coming back here, too. This is a nasty disease and it is very hard on parents without the support of people who know we didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. It is up to the A to get help or not. It is up to us to do the same for ourselves.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 26th of August 2014 09:52:39 PM
Welcome to MIP Grateful 2 B has shared some great wisdom. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless.
. My son would often call from a rehab center after a few days demanding that I drive up and take himhome. I would call the counselor, assigned to him ,at the rehab ,and turn it over to him. They were always very grateful that I called and let them in on what was going on. I'm not sure how they handled it, but my son remained in the rehab and I did not get any additional calls regarding going home.
Please continue to attend Al-Anon meetings as they helped to restore my peace of mind and sanity. Good luck with the call and keep coming back
Thank you Grateful2be and Hotrod. My daughter is 22 so she can check herself out, but she can't support herself. I appreciate your wisdom. I did call the counselors and they are working with her. I just believe that every day she stays and works the program will increase her chance for recovery. I will make alanon a part of my life as I can see this is not going to just be cured and we all go on with our lives. I just love her so much, but remembering the nightmare of her actively drinking before she went in is not something I want to live through again.
I am glad you can see this isn't going to be cured and you'll all go on with your lives. I'm also glad you are going to make Al-Anon a part of your life because it will make a huge difference for you if you work it. As far as her inability to support herself, well that is a consequence of the drinking. I gave my son a place in my home, rides to work, ways to earn money at my house, attending group rehab meetings for families and everything that was in my power to do to support his recovery and to help him find his sea legs. His disease was more powerful than any of that help and he decided he really didn't need or want AA recovery. I had to make some very hard choices and without Al-Anon, I couldn't have done it. Sending you lots of understanding, support and encouragement to you to follow through on your decision to make Al-Anon a part of your life.
I don't know if it is appropriate to bring up my own (related) issues on this forum. Please let me know if I should have started a new thread. I am brand new to this. To Gailey, I feel your disappointment and the fact that you were shocked about it just makes the disappointment worse. We pin our hopes on rehab and then to have an immediate slip is very discouraging. No answers from me, but I understand.
I am a mother of a drug addict ! I've learned 50,000.00 dollars later that I am not god.. I had to surrender to god and move myself out of his way and allow my son to deal with his own consequences... My son has lied be little and manipulate me in every way. I allowed him to do so. He is now in jail and I thank god daily. I will continue to work on me and my own journey while I move out of gods way to work on my son. Let go and let god !! 2 years ago it was hard but I had to allow me to live !! God gave us life !! Now it's up,to us as it is up to our grown adults to live it as we chose !!
Steps - they often buck rehab and act like children being forced to eat veggies they don't like. It is literally the same as if you were getting a call from a 10 year old at summer camp and they screamed, whined, and demanded to be picked up because they wanted to spend summer doing whatever the hell they felt like at home. You would be like "Um...no." A's are totally undisciplined. They do not finish what they start. They manipulate and weasel their way out commitments and it's the horrible, wretched disease that makes them do this. So frustrating....I know.
Anyhow, after 1 week and being through the detox, trust me, you are getting calls not from your daughter but from her disease which is currently getting choked and smothered in rehab. Doesn't mean she will stay sober after rehab, but this is planting seed for sobriety at the very least. It's giving her a fighting chance to be well enough to actually embrace meetings and AA once she has more sobriety time.
The suggestions you got so far were good ones. I was a counselor at a rehab. Poor parents. I would tell them to not take those guilting calls. I can literally still remember the shock of seeing an addict call her own mother the foulest names I have ever heard because her mother would not buy her a plane ticket home from rehab early. Sick sick disease.
