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My sister is an alcoholic (never agreed to treatment) and her ex-husband is verbally abusive. Neither is better than the other. They have two children (both about 10 years old). The children are tossed back and forth between two unhappy houses and I can't stand to watch it any more. Today, the oldest girl mentioned that she doesn't want to live any more. I don't want the children taken away from their mother and given to their father because that life won't be any better for them. If I went to court I'm sure the father would win. I cannot prove him unfit. Any suggestions or help? I am feeling so sad and desperate!
This is a terrible situation. If I remember correctly, the studies on "resilience" -- on the kids who come out of awful situations and go on to have happy lives -- show that the key is having one adult who's there for them, who provides a model for a good life and who listens to them and encourages them. It sounds as if you could be the one for these kids? I know the people like that in my childhood made an enormous difference for me, through some very hard times. If the kids can go on outings with you, or see you every few weekends, or come to stay sometimes, that might make a big difference to them -- ?
I've worked as counselor with kids in the past. The one who mentioned that she doesn't want to live anymore needs a counselor to talk with quickly. Find one at her school or the YWCA or her church...find one. That is the voice in her head talking. She is speaking what she is thinking and needs to let it out.
Well, first let me say that a 10 year old telling an adult she feels confident in confiding with that she doesn't want to live anymore COULD and maybe SHOULD (to be on the safe side) be considered a warning sign. I'd say talk to the sanest parent and perhaps CPS
From my experience with my nephew's kids (I don't have grandkids) The BEST thing I can do is make sure everyone sees me putting my health and well being FIRST. My nephew's twins are too young currently to really notice (they're 4) but eventually they will notice that Auntie takes herself out of the drama.
I really WANT to be able to rescue them, to be there more, but I can't for my own health so I visit when I can and my ONLY goals are to try to stay healthy myself and be a good role model for the twins, even if that means the park once a month and a hug. And hopefully more quality time as they get older.
"Rescuing"is what I learning in Al-Anon is what my Mom did for my dad, what I did for both of them and what I did for others. It's not necessarily healthy and in my case I'm having to put a lot of distance between me and my nephew currently because he's 3rd generation toxic!
But personally I think I WOULD DEFINITELY talk to a school counselor, teacher, parent or county social worker about the girl's comment. She trusts you and in this case it's a valid rescue, I think.
