The material presented
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A lot of responses to my post this weekend pretty much said the same thing......he isn't treating me right, walk away. If I cared about him I would want what is best for him and let go and let God. And that is all understandable and fine, but I did do all that before......I severed all contact in January and he shows up at my job in Feb., then tells me he will seek me out weeks later,that he believes in a future with me, then emails me and asks me out for a date. So I did let go and let God and I did walk away and he came back. He seems to keep coming back.....If he has nothing to offer and is being honest in his feelings etc then why doesn't he just let go too?.......He's been in the program and working it for 10 yrs so he has to know the tools and the next right thing to do. Even in his last email he couldn't let go completely, it was "we had that foundation before and I'd like to think we will find our way to it again". Why would he do that? Why keep it going and keep hurting me over and over and over again, knowing he can not offer me anything? Why not go out and find another girl and just have some meaningless non comital relationships and leave me to my life without him? How do you walk away from someone if they keep seeking you out over and over again and keep coming back? Why does he keep doing this only to do the same dance over and over and over again? What does he want from me? He doesn't want to be with me-broke up with me pretty much 3x now, but doesn't want to be without me either and wants to maintain conversation etc. He has to know what this is doing to me, why doesn't he just stay away, why doesn't he just stop it????????????
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I find if I refuse to engage with people like that, they eventually give up.
My EXAH used to call all the time, despite the fact I had moved over 2 hours away from where we had used to live. I was not coming home.
His phone calls would send me into an emotional tailspin for days.
Then one day my sponsor pointed out to me that it was my choice to to stay on that phone when he called, and allow him to toy with my emotions.
I'll never forget the first time I hung up on him! I thought 'Oh my God what have I done', and of course my first instinct was to call him back and apologize, but I stayed put and said the serenity prayer over and over till those feelings passed.
Each time that he called, I hung up on him as soon as I realized it was him.
Each time it got easier.
I refused to engage.
Eventually he stopped pursuing.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
He could be in the program 100 years and that does not make him healthy. It sounds like all he wants is control over you. That's it. And so, he does and says things to ensure that he still has you on a leash. He yanks at it every so often to make sure you react, and then he goes about HIS life till he needs a bit of a boost and he emails/calls/ messes with you.
The only way to stop the madness is to not engage no matter what. No Contact is your friend. Even when he calls with all his sweet words, when he emails "just the right words", when he sends you pretty flowers or cards....ignore. It's called a "hoover". No matter what comes out of his mouth, do not believe it. Remember we learn here that we need to watch actions rather than words.
Keep the focus on YOU and do what's best for YOU. Let go and let God BUT do the footwork to take care of YOURSELF. You are doing great so far....
Keep the focus on YOU. Why do YOU keep letting him come back and hurt YOU?
I admit that it feels good to have someone keep coming back--especially when we don't feel good about ourselves or doubt our self-worth. It feels good to feel wanted. Especially by someone who can seem to need us SO deperately. But it's all an illusion. It is the A trying to find something, anything to keep him/her from having to deal with the reality of his/her disease. I think that is why those feelings are so fleeting--they are not real. They are not grounded in a relationship between two healthy people. There is no foundation. It is not a real relationship when it is based ony on need--the need to feel needed. It has taken me almost 4 years in Al-Anon to realize this truth in my life.
In my experience, so long as you keep trying to figure out why the A is doing what he is doing instead of focusing on what YOU are doing, you are never going to be able to quit dancing the dance with him. It is your choice.
But realize that you can keep asking the same question over and over again, and keep crying out to your HP for answers about why the A is doing this or that...and the answer is always going to be the same. It doesn't matter. What matters is you and what you choose to live with or settle for in your life. I think that your HP may have already answered you, but sometimes we aren't ready to hear the answer--at least I wasn't for a long time.
Yours in Recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Dear Shelly, take responsibility for your part. The real question is why do YOU keep going back and hurting YOURSELF? You seem to see a pattern. So, stop playing a part in your own suffering. Don't do the dance anymore.
Of course, if you're like me, you tend to BELIEVE a person when they tell you something. I was trusting him even though, time and time again, he had proven he was not trustworthy. Insanity.
You say that you Let go and let God and yet he still came back. Keep in mind, just because he comes back does not mean it is HP's will. It is merely your BF's will. And from your description, your BF is a crazymaker. The spiritual lesson may be for YOU to do something different.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 29th of March 2009 10:17:23 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Shelly123 as you know I went to a convention at the weekend I listened to an a share and he said alcoholics capture people. I try to not figure out my AB as much anymore it sends me around the bend. He is sick very sick. When they contact us we decide to asnwer the phone. when they turn up and promise we decide to listen. I have decided I love my A but I am sick really sick of this disease we all have choices. I plan to work on my recovery, my happiness , enjoy my life. I am ending it and I will not answer the phone i will run as fast as I can if he approaches me. I surrender if it was gods will for me to be with him I wouldnt have to work so hard. I am going to try being on my own doing things I love and enjoy my kids. He sends me that mad it is affecting them they need me. Its not fair on them and he is a grown man
My Ex A calls all the time. I haven't spoken to him in a year. I never answer the phone I don't utter a word. I've given up the "why". I know I have nothing left to say to him.
Detaching is tremendously difficult but very very useful.
My A Hubby LOVES me most when I am strong. Normally I am strong when I am not with him. I choose to be strong now that I am with him and have found alanon.
It's a hard decision to leave someone we love. Lucky for you, you have alanon. I didn't have it in my life the times I left.
I honestly can't say that I would have gone back to my husband if I was truely working on myself.
I read in a passage a few weeks ago...stop blaming the other person for our own hurts. We allow the person to hurt us time and time again. so the responsibility lies in us to do the things that makes us happy and avoid the things that makes us sad. Fixing only us...yes His actions affect you but ultimately You allow Him into your life. You have a choice here...in my f2f meetings they refer to the 4 C's...I can't change them...I can't cure them...I can't control them...but I do have a choice. Take it day by day...trusting in your HP...pray about it and remember to meditate to hear what HP is telling you. Search yourself and only you and HP knows what is best for you!!
Take care, brightmommy
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"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
Recovery for me, is about taking back my life and living the life I deserve. It's about living strong. If you don't want this person in your life then set the boundary and stick to it. After hubby passed his roomate from rehab started calling me more and more. (He thought it was his duty to look after me - in the extreme.) It got to the point where he was driving me crazy. I finally made it clear that when I had the time and I was ready that I would call him. He hasn't called and if he has tried using a number that I don't recognize, I don't pick up. I have blocked his calls on my cell phone and house phone.
This is my life and I will not have people in it whom I don't want. I will not have people in my life who are negative and are not healthy for me. I refuse to be drawn into people, places and things that make me upset - regardless if they are an A or not. This includes the drama at work, my family and my friends. It's my life and I am taking no prisoners. I have grieving to do for my beloved Tim and other problems that need my attention. I don't need to waste my time and energy on things that drain me.
One thing you might seriously have to ask yourself: Why are you allowing this to continue? Perhaps you are not quite ready to fully let go. If that's true, that's fine. We are all human. It's not an easy thing to do. Take all that energy you are putting into asking why does he keep bothering me and channel into something more positive. Refocus on you. Keep working your program. If he's bothering you to the point of harrassing you, then see if you can get a restraining order or something like that to keep him away. Send him a clear message that you want no more contact. You can do this. You're strong enough. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
