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Post Info TOPIC: Does attending AlAnon and drinking make one a hypocrit? To drink or not to drink that is the question.


~*Service Worker*~

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Does attending AlAnon and drinking make one a hypocrit? To drink or not to drink that is the question.


I was talking to a friend of mine today and he was asking me about the AlAnon program and it really got me to thinking.  Now he believes his live in GF is an alcoholic and needs help and has tried relentlessly to get her to get help, yet what I find hard to come to terms with is that HE drinks to the point of drunkeness almost every weekend.  What irriatates me about it is he is pointing the finger at her and seeing his behavior as appropriate, because he doesn't drive, or miss work and limits his alcohol intake to the weekend.  I have always believed in leading by example and told him that I really think he too should seek help for himself-which just appalled him-of course he doesn't have a problem.  It just infuriated me how he could judge his GF when HE is doing the same thing, just in a different way!!!!  That is wrong on every level to me.

When I was married to my functioning ExAH, I did not drink, nor have it in the house.  I tried to support him in his sobriety when it would hit......sometimes for years at a time.  With my exABF I had two drinks once at a wedding we attended and that was it......and I felt guilty for that, still do-even thought he never made me feel that way.  

I'm in no way, shape or form an alcoholic, but spent my share of my single days working in the Criminal Justice system in Corrections when I was younger on a stool many nights.  I did it, grew up and moved on like a lot of younger people did. 

Nowadays I might have 2-3 drinks a year, if that, and that can make me tipsy.  I'm not a big drinker because I have seen what it does to people and their lives and my past has made me literally hate it for the most part.   But those 2-3 drinks a year I want to be able to enjoy should I choose and not feel like I am doing something wrong by it (EXABF NEVER made me feel that or insinuated it-it is 100% self imposed)  But doesn't that make me kind of hypocritical to go to AlAnon meetings and talk about A's and be drinking myself?  And I know the meetings are NOT supposed to be about the A's but EVERY one I have been to in this life, in two seperate counties,  the A in the person speaking's life is almost 97 percent of the time talked about-so it does happen.

So I am wondering what anyone else feels about this?  Any ESH would be greatly appreciated as always....
shelly

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~*Service Worker*~

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If you live with a diabetic, would eating sugar make you a diabetic too?

*smile*

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"I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Shelley

I understand your concern.  Neither AA nor Al-Anon condemn the use of alcohol.  I do know many alanon members who entered the rooms because of the alcoholism of a spouse and after working the steps and some reflection, they decided they belonged in both programs.  We have many double winners at my current meeting.

Take Care


-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 09:34:30 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Shelly,
We can't dictate what is right or wrong for others.  We can only do what feels right for us.  Personally, if I wanted to drink, I would.  I'm not an alcoholic and don't have a problem.  I can't base what I do on other people's addictions.
I may not keep alcohol in my house out of respect for my Asober, but there are some people that would.  It's an individual choice.  If my A was still active it wouldn't matter if I had it in my house or not, because he surely would have it stashed somewhere anyway. 
Kismet has a good point.

-- Edited by Christy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 10:22:47 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Alcohol has never played a good role in my life. Alcohol was the thing that killed my uncle. Alcohol was the thing that damaged my friends. Alcohol was not fun, or good for me, or helpful in any way, shape or form.

That is why I choose not to drink.

When I got together with my ex, he explained to me that we were both A's and that we needed to quit. Good idea, as I was pregnant. And so I stopped and never went back. He ofcourse, relapsed. Because he is an A and I am not.

And I have thought about having a drink every now and then, but it is just never the "right time". And then, in the end, I simply don't drink.

Honestly, I am always a bit shocked when I hear an alanon member share that they drink or keep alcohol in the house. But that's not my concern, really.

For me, not drinking is MY way of life regardless of the fact that I gave it up because my ex told me to.

I hate alcohol. I hate what Aism has done to my family and all the families of the people I love.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Good question. I have been thru this in my family. How can you go to Alanon and drink? You have to separate the issues. Alcoholism is a disease of addiction and obsession. Sometimes we qualify for both Alanon and AA and don't know it. I figure it is between the person and his HP.

In support,
Nancy

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Shelly, im with you on this one! I know in my ABF treatment program they do not advise anyone in early sobriety to go home if they live with people who drink or use drugs.  They try to put them in a sober living situation as early sobriety i am finding is very much a roller coaster. 

I dont think it has to be this way forever, as my AF has been in recovery for years and i used to not drink at all around him.  One day he said to me, :i know you drink so if you want a drink, drink, nothing you do is going to make me drink:

The funny thing is, after being surrounded by alcohol and addiction, i dont even want a drink....it scares me to see what it does to people and now has become poison in my mind, so i dont want to drink poison  lol

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~*Service Worker*~

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When I lived with my ex AH I didn't drink or keep alcohol in the house. Now I typically drink on the weekends when I'm out and have a few. I feel no guilt about drinking because alcohol is not a problem for me at this time in my life. I drink responsibly, I don't have any significant impacts in my life from drinking (ie job loss, legal issues, losing people I care about because of it, etc.) When I was with the ex A I chose not to drink because if I drank he would drink and it just made me sick, also I was the one who had to be "responsible". So now that I am free from that, in a relationship with someone who doesn't drink, I choose if I want to drink or not. I can or I can not and that's the difference, alcoholics can't take it or leave it. I drink because I want to not because I have to. Smoking is another story, food is another story, alcohol I have no issue with.

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Shelly, It is amazing that I found yur post this morning.  I am new to this message board and have already learned so much.

My A Daughter is coming to stay with us for a few dayscry until she can get into an apartment.  Her husband kicked her out due to her drinking problems.  But, what do you know, he also has a drinking problem.  And he is a pilot, no less.  Not to worry though; he is a corporate pilot!!  

He refuses to get help for my daughter because that would mean that he would also have to stop drinking.  So, better to throw the wife out who really has a worse problem then he does.

If she had cancer, would he refuse to get her treatment.  I would think not!!

He had the guts to call me this morning, in tears that he does not want us to think that he is the bad person in the marriage.  I am at a total loss as to why people think the way they do.  

I appreciate your post because I know that I am not alone with this sort of problem.  However, I am a mess over daughter coming here. 



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Clara

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What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Again

In reading the responses I had another thought.  Before alanon, I lived much of my life in DENIAL Of MY Problems.  I focused on others, could see their problems and knew exactly how to fix THEM.  I thought I was perfect and did not need to look at myself.  

Alcoholism is a disease and one of the Major Symptons is Denial.  That is why we and the alcoholic have to hit a bottom before we seek help. 

I use to drink with my husband as well but when I saw that he liked that, I  had joined him, red flags started waving and I stopped.  I was not an alcoholic. I continued to deny my feelings about his drinking and attempted to control everything so that MY life did not suffer.  I too like another member here only sought help when I thought that serving a jail sentence for his murder would  not  be so bad.  That was my bottom.

Alanon is a very gentle program where the only requirement for membership is that we are affected by Some Ones elses drinking. If that gets us to the doors of recovery then the denial has a chance to be broken and new awareness and changes can happen.

I am very grateful for the gentleness of this program. I would not have stayed had there been Program Police  



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Shelly I am not sure about the answer to your questions. As I expaine earlier I have signed up for the co-dependency program and when I did I signed a waiver that I would not drink at all.  Now she said this was not forever  but while I was attending the program they ask that I not participate in the intake of any alcohol or drugs.  Well since I not a drinker and if I drink more that 2 beers I puke untill my inside are now outside, this was not a problem for me.  I never tried any drugs so that was even easier.  I will have a glass of wine sometimes when I go over to my families for dinner but will just skip that for now not a big deal.  I have a feeling they are going to inform me about that during our sessions.  I will keep you posted what I learn about that.   Wendy



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wendy


~*Service Worker*~

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Since I began al-anon, I decided to just ask myself my MOTIVE for drinking. To me, the most dangerous motive would be to suppress anxiety, to not 'feel' anymore. For a period of time, I did this regularly with my exAH. Now, I believe that when I feel anxious, I need to turn to my HP instead.

My last "drink" was at my niece's wedding last May. I took a sip for the toast and then my glass sat until the waiter cleared the table (or a relative grabbed it, I'm not really sure.) I felt okay about toasting the celebration, it was a pure motive to me. After that, I just didn't care for the taste and I didn't want to dull my senses. I like to feel LIFE much more than I did before al-anon, I guess.



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~*Service Worker*~

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I am in AA & Alanon - double winner. I have been sober for 27+ years and have NEVER expected another person to refrain from a drink while around me. I own my disease, every element, every aspect as well as my recovery. If I were to crave/desire/drink because someone around me had a beer/wine/drink, I suspect my relapse was already being planned in my mind before this event ever took place.

I was advised in treatment to avoid playmates and playgrounds from my past. I was also advised to not return to a home where there would be alcohol/drugs. There is talk in treatment and at meetings about slippery slopes, how to avoid a relapse, etc. If you talk to someone who has significant recovery time and experienced relapse(s), they will tell you that 9 out of 10 times they were not working the program, as suggested. Examples - didn't have/use a sponsor, didn't work the steps, stopped going to meetings, etc.

I've never heard of anybody relapsing because of another person's drinking. The true 'cause' was because of an interior break-down which allowed the disease to rise back to the surface, and the afflicted dropped their defense against the first drink/drug.

So - I say do what works for you. I have had countless people/relatives over the years ask me if they have a drinking problem. That's so far removed from my side of the street that I tend to answer the same each time - it's not my place to judge your drinking. If you are questioning it, perhaps you should talk to a professional and/or go to an open meeting to seek more information. I then quickly go away as I often do have an opinion - just choose to not share it or judge another.

Great topic and great posts so far!

Make it a great day!

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Aloha I am also a double born predisposed to alcoholism because of the family disease in my family.  Some of the important mind sets in Al-Anon for me was first the definition of alcoholism we use to read at the beginning of each and every meeting which stated in part that alcoholism was not a moral issue and a disease which got me off of the she is wrong...she is bad fixation and brought me around to "she is a sick person" which changed how I perceived my alcoholic/addict wife and also how I was treating her and others which was wrong and bad.  The disease manifests terrible unacceptable behaviors when the drinking is active.   I quit drinking because I had enough, way too much not only of the alcohol and also the consequences of it.  I knew I was crazy just before finding the rooms of Al-Anon first and then 9 alcohol free years later; AA.  In between time included college studies on the chemical which woke me the hell up as I discovered that alcohol is firstly a mind and mood altering chemical from the first sip to the last one.  I won't include my lessons in this post because each of us needs to learn exactly what this chemical is and how powerful it is over our bodies which I had no control over.  We also need to know our bodies and how we are built in order to get the full picture for ourselves.  to drink or eat anything in order to be altered is ludicrous especially if my body is less than after I do it.  I'm chemically tolerant which means it takes more of the chemical than intended to reach the point of the rest of the party and for which I have met "toxic shock" phenomena 3 times.  I drank until the chemical put me down without feeling drunk.  Alcohol has and will continue to kill those who are not aware of what it is and how powerful it is.  Hypocrisy to me suggest a moral judgment and we are not a moral program as such.  We do not have the privilege or the principle of judgment of others...only self.    ((((hugs)))) smile 



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I am in Al-Anon and I drink. My sister is my qualifier and she does not live with me. I don't drink in front of her, and I try not to have it in the house when I know she's coming over, out of respect. But if she's going to drink, it's not because I drink. If she really wanted to drink, she'd find a reason, even if I didn't drink. I caught myself trying to find a reason for her relapse the other day... was it because she knows me and other family members still drink? Was it because she got a car and was suddenly mobile and able to get it herself? Was it because she moved to a state where they sell beer and wine in the supermarkets and drug stores? But I know the only reason she relapsed is because she wanted to drink. It will ALWAYS be available. It will ALWAYS be there. If I stopped drinking, it wouldn't make one bit of difference.

If she lived with me, it would be a different story. I would still drink, but certainly not in the house, not around her, and I wouldn't come home under the influence or smelling like it.

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Before I met my husband, 8 years ago, I used to really enjoy fine wine. Not cheap wine, either. I enjoyed doing tastings and maybe taking a bubble bath with a glass of wine. But, I probably threw out more than I drank, because once I open it, it is only good until the next day. The day after that, it tasted sour, and was trash.

Now, all the negativity that goes along with it has changed me. I HATE the taste of wine, and just the thought of drinking it makes my stomach churn.



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Carrie



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Man oh man, I know that ALL to well. I could have been a sommelier 10 years ago. I loved red wine on occasion. To celebrate. To enjoy. Now I can't stand the smell of it. Or worse the smell of it evaporating off of the AW's skin.

I've been struggling with this a little. I don't have any friends anymore because they were all A's. So I don't go out at all. Or at least, the only time I do go out I'm usually with my kids. I take my son to hear live music at places where you usually wouldn't take you kids, but he's a very good player and everyone knows him and he usually gets called up to play. He just turned 15 and I want him to get all the stage experience I can make available to him. I always drink Club Soda with a twist and I make sure he knows it. I've found that this satisfies me just fine. Looks like a drink. Feels like a drink in my hand. Tastes a little bitter, and I like it.

I used to like to drink a couple beers or drinks when I was out. I held myself to one an hour with an extra hour of water before time to leave. I stopped at 3 if it was a long night. You know, normal. Of course, like anyone else, I had to transition from adolescent drunken idiocy to adult responsibility in regards to drinking.

I haven't had a drink in a while. I don't think I miss alcohol at all. I miss the mindset that surrounded it. "Time to relax, hang with friends, celebrate...". I resent that the activity has been tainted for me and that there is little left to celebrate. She has all the wine and all the celebration now. She doesn't even know she's celebrating the demise of our family in advance. It hurts terribly.

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~*Service Worker*~

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As others have made mention to it: I don't take anyone else's inventory and if they have a drinking problem, that is for them to determine for themselves. When I was living with my AH I did not drink unless I was out with friends and I'd have a glass of wine at times. I do drink more now that I'm out of the house from him but again, it's mostly social and I find that I don't drink alcoholically...if that makes sense. I take my own inventory and will address my drinking or not drinking if it were to become a problem. Which, is what I would expect from anybody who is responsible for themselves.



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I guess I have a tendency to take other people's inventory, respecting drinking, now that I am married to a person who abuses alcohol.

I know I should not be taking other people's inventory, but I just do not want to plan social events with people who want to get together to consume alcohol.

One of my AH's classmates gets loaded EVERY single time we socialize with them, and then she tells me the same story about how all the girls in high school hated her because they thought she and my husband were an item and they were jealous, and yet they never even kissed.

I sometimes feel like saying "That's not the reason they hated you". (But I do not say any such thing).



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Carrie



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It's an interesting question. I have been struggling with this recently. My husband is an A. I enjoy an occasional glass of red wine with my meal and leave it at that. Recently he has been abstaining from alcohol - and I have been conscious that my having a glass of wine could trigger his drinking, so I have not done so in support of him. Some of us can have an occasional drink, and others can't. Personally I don't think alcohol in itself is bad, just some people cannot control it. 



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