The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my husband was in aa when i met him and has never relapsed we have been together for 6 years and married for 4 months but everything has come crashing down.
directly after the honeymoon he decided i was 'controlling him'. i remember the day it all changed. we were going out for breakfast and his sponsor called and asked him out for breakfast -- we were literally walking to go --- he looked at me and i kinda said i though we were going, so he told his sponsor no. his sponsor then asked him to go pick him up and drive him somewhere so he could get breakfast....i was still like --- i thought we were going. since then his sponsor has convinced him i am controlling and manipulative.
his sponsor treats his wife terribley. he gambles (which he has gotten my husband to start) and seems to me to be power hungry and loves to control the lives of others. when this all started (after the honeymoon) the only way i could see my husband was to go over to his sponsors house. i went (just to see him) and his sponsor would try to 'councel' us. One time he got in this huge fight with me (yelling in my face) how going to a real counsellor was just a good way for me to complain about my husband. Since then I feel like i am going crazy --- my husband keeps telling me i am trying to control him --- all i want is to spend some time with him. he doesn't sleep in our bed and comes in at 3 in the morning (not drunk). he constantly runs me down and tells me how i am not good enough. i spoke to friends and his family trying to figure out what is going on and he found out and flipped out. he has told me he doesn't trust me and only trusts his sponsor. tonight is the first night he hasn't come home at all (without telling me) i think the relationship is over. i am so sad and feeling like i am dying inside. i am going crazy. he has been flipping from loving and sweet to yelling and freaking out for the past 3 months within minutes. he isn't home tonight but he will have to come home at some point because everything he owns is here. what do i say to him? how to I act? i don't trust my instincts any more. my parent's had a terrible relationship and i have nothing to go on. I don't know how to tell him how sad it makes me that he stayed out last night and didn't come home and didn't tell me. maybe it is not even worth telling him because maybe it is over. but what if it isn't and i don't say anything. i don't know what to do. i am so sad. i feel like he has gone crazy. he is a completely different man then i married. he says he used to make me his higher power and now he has found true spirtuality. i think he has just gone from using me to using his sponsor. but maybe it doesn't matter because it is over --- but he hasn't actually moved out yet or got a place. but he didn't come home.
today was actually not bad. we had a nice breakfast and then spent the day apart went to the marriage counscellor where we both seemed hopefull that things would get better and then he went straight to his sponsors. he invited me but i said i didn't feel comfortable going there so i stayed home. but then he didn't come home. so i think he has decided (with some help from his fantastic sponsor) that it is over. i just don't know what to do or how to react. he has been being verbally abusive (telling me that nobody would ever want to be with me, how i would be a terrible mother, how i am stupid, etc) but i do my share of name calling and running him down. i have been working on that myself but i am certainly not very good. maybe it is for the best if it is over but i am so sad.
I am in so much pain myself because of a break-up that I wont be much good but I just want you to know that I know how bad the hurt is and I am sorry you have to go through this.
I got a therapist. Just found her a week ago and I will see her tomorrow. I will re-double my efforts to attend as many meetings as I can, it feels like my very life depends upon it. I know it actually does. Do you go to meetings? Hugs, J.
Here are a few important things I have learned in the past few years of being in alanon. Just because someone is "in" AA doesn't mean they are "healthy". A sponsor doesn't know everything and they are no better (or worse) than anyone else including who they are sponsoring, their partners or the guy walking down the street. An abusive person is abusive with or without being drunk....it is a seperate issue. A mental illness can exisit despite AA.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have been thru similar things with my ex. He ALWAYS seemed to connect with the sickest people in AA. The ones who had ALOT of issues....the pain manging pill poppers, the wife beaters who justified, the marijuana maintence guys, the women who "understood" him, the idiot who told him that leaving his wife and kids and living with a married couple whom he was having sex with wa perfectly ok and the kids didn't really need him as they had me.....
Yeah, there are some sick people in AA (alanon also). And the sick leading the sick is never a good idea.
The abuse is wrong and please understand that is really a seperate issue from the addiction and he would need to deal with that. Is your marriage counslor knowledgable in addiction and abuse? Because is she isn't, run don't walk away from her. A MC who isn't versed in addiction and abuse will tell you things that will be unhelpful and even dangerous.
Keep comming , keep posting, get to a f2f alanon meeting. YOUR life can get better.
Welcome to MIP! You will find alot of experience, strength and hope. Can you go to F2F meetings? Get ahold of the Getting Them Sober books and Alanon literature. And start focusing on YOU. Going to AA doesn't mean they are working a program. Some alcoholics switch addictions and one can be a relationship (like with the sponsor). Maybe set some boundaries when they start taking your inventory.
My AHsober left over three years ago. He said most of those things to me: I made you my HP, you are controlling, your crazy, you are sick, etc. I use to believe it. The truth is that drunk or sober they are still A's. The disease does alot of talking. Keep coming back.
I remember thinking, "I don't know how to act." Nice thing about coming to the fellowship... it becomes clear as we begin to speak up. You did that today, GOOD FOR YOU!! It is clear to me that this situation does not feel good to you. You need to pay attention to that. Honor yourself and your feelings, and make YOU the new object of your focus.
I want to emphasize what Serendipity said... FIND AN ADDICTION COUNSELOR! In my opinion, a good one will have worked the 12 steps themselves. As my marriage was falling apart, I didn't know any better and we found an ignorant counselor who agreed with my husband.... that smoking a little pot was harmless!
We've all walked through some crazy stuff and now we can walk through it together, you are not alone. The best way to care of myself is getting (running!) to f2f meetings to be with like-minded people and reading all the recovery books I can. I have a ravenous appetite for recovery and this is where I get it.
Welcome! Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hello and welcome,one of the best things to do is to educate yourself and be around others who are going thru this.
You can find face to face meetings of Alanon where you live. They love to welcome all members walking in the door. No one really knows who is new or old to the program.
My experience is when an A is in AA and working a program of recovery,that is the only way I have seen that helps them long term. Addicts tend to have particular symptoms from their disease.
Dishonesty, arrogance, very low self esteem, no sense of self, selfish,etc. So a program they make up to fit them,is a guide or map for their life.
When an addict gambles, he or she is not working their program as gambling and an addict, that is still being "in" their disease.
A sponsor is not a sponsor when they encourage addictive behavior, however no one can make anyone else use drugs,drink or gamble or whatever. The sponsor did not handcuff him, drive him to the gambling place, and make his hands gamble. It was totally his choice. If he had a program he possibly would stay away from anything and anywhere that his disease would be tempted to use.
Again it is all his choice.
Now for us we learn in alanon that we have choices. We can learn to live with the A by taking care of ourselves. Living with an addict can make us terribly sick. They are in a pit and are constantly pulling us in.
I know this for me, all of a sudden I would wake up and see I had not dusted for weeks. Or I had not stuck to my healthy diet. I sorta went into this oblivion of being sick from the addict.
I hope you can get literature,"Getting Them Sober" is a great guide, easy to read too.
It is my alanon bible. My A has not lived with me for two years now. But his disease still affects me as he has been in my life since I was a child. I am his friend first, and I meant my vows. As it is I am scripturally not married to him anymore but just legally.
However I am his friend. I don't see him or talk to him, but I am here.
It is all how we learn to live with it. Some leave them, some A's leave. Some A's die, and more. It is all horribly painful.
Glad you came here, I hope you keep coming. We have meetings here also.
Wow the instant loving responses you got here reminded me of when I got into Al-Anon. Only one of the things I was told was that they would love me until I learned how to love myself. tlcate said much of what I would respond from so no need to repeat it. You didn't "just happen" to arrive at this site. My belief is that you were led here because you belong here...I hope you stick around. I pray that you go find the Al-Anon hotline number in your local phone book and call it to see where and when face to face meetings are in your area. I pray that you will make no excuse not to go but the one justification that will empower you to go as fast as you can. I believe from what you have said there that you need to be around others who have been where you are at and to sit and listen to how they changed what needed to be changed.
I have heard your story before. I have seen it happen and in some cases it still goes on. Like others here have said there are still some very sick people in recovery and that is the way it will be. Your alcoholic maybe accusing you of those things he finds unacceptable in his sponsor and is too fearful of separating from. He may have stopped drinking alcohol and built an addiction to his sponsor. I've seen this happen. It maynot be your situation. It is my experience. I am also a recovering alcoholic who use to treat others the way your new spouse seems to be treating others including yourself. It can be healed much the same way a person gets sober. He maybe finding it too fearful to change his sponsor and/or ask for another. Fear is the "great motivator" in this disease regardless of those who think not to themselves.
In any case there is absolutely no excuse for you not to find the doors of Al-Anon. If what you say about being the daughter and exwife(s) of alcoholics is true. You might be overdue for this family. We will suggest to you what worked for us. Some will give you opinion and others will give you suggestion based upon what worked for them. Go with the suggestions always.
Keep coming back... Face to face meetings are wonderful, like me, you will find strength and hope in them, not to mention plenty of love and hugs and shoulders to cry on if you need to....
The program works if you work it... The program will give you as much as you give it ....
There is much wisdom in the rooms... I thought I was the only one when I started, and once there, I heard my story many times over...
My husband left me after I went through hell for him. I'm glad he did.
Here's the part you need to hear--I did it again!
Yes, it hurts-- but you are so blessed to have this site, and it will hurt like hell, the betrayal, all of the work you put into him, waiting for your Prince to finally appreciate you, then the sting of him belitting you. My husband at the time told me that I was pathetic for ever have loved him. And he told me this when he had called me in a sweet voice, and wanted to meet at my place, I asked him while we were sitting together on the couch, "Do you love me?" He smiled and said "no." All I remember is screaming one long scream that was just like the one Halle Berry screamed in "Monsters Ball." I wasn't expecting that cruelty. You know what I did after that? I plotted revenge, and I finally got him back viciously, through a phone call. Would you believe that after I so called "stood up to him" he wanted me back? Anyway, after all of that, I went through men like no one's business. I was bitter, and strangely I set boundaries, cruel unrealistic ones, but for some odd reason, I did atraact more men! Some who asked me to do odd things. Listen, cruelty belittles everyone. And it makes you sicker. It hurts, feel the hurt, don't do what I did, not really deal with it and start into another lousy relationship "on the rebound" Get around friends who will let you sob like a baby if necessary, but will support you, instead of doing the stupid things I did. I finally got over it about five years ago, well at least that individual. He represented to me innocence, love without fear. But I know that he drove his current wife to the brink of insanity, and at times I would like to call her up and say "it is going to be ok, just kick that asshole to the curb. lol." But that is her growth, and her life. Things happen for a reason. My crappy morning happened for a reason, and that reason is that I am here for you now. To share my experience, after feeling totally worthless. People who are cruel, are sick. I know, you thought he was "THE ONE" It felt like love, the sweet caresses, the promises, but it was not real. As a matter of fact, your husbands love for you--isn't real. He needs years of recovery, and in his own shitty way, that is what he is telling you. But hear me, and anyone else who is reading this--it is about learning how to love yourself first, to appreciate who you are, and then you won't have to go through this merry-go-round. So, take it from me--cause guess what? I'm back there again, so I am qualified to give advice. It is about setting boundaries of respect. Any person who loves you must also R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Go find Aretha's record and play it, girlfriend!) the person you are with. Some people are so sick that the only way they can attain sobriety is to detach themselves from their past lives, so they get rid of the thing that knows them, warts and all--you. He cannot sustain his new "image" by being with you. You represent the past. One he wants to forget. I helped another "loved one" win a national talent contest. Do you think he appreciated me afterward? No, I was replaced by a series of women who were "better looking" than me. Yep, we all get used, but it is because we focus on OTHER PEOPLE, fixing them, offering them so much love that they will see that no one will love them like we do! We do not see that we gave them the power. So, those of us who are confused by love, MUST ADMIT THAT WE ARE POWERLESS so that God can come in and let us love ourselves. Hug yourself tonight, and tell yourself you are okay, and that you will make it. You will in time, not get into relationships where you will allow the guy to blame you for everything. That is my gift to you to day, beloved, my experience. And I love you, because you are my sister in recovery, and that is a bond that only we who love alcoholics know. I thank God that I made this journey only yesterday into Al Anon, but now I know this is where I am supposed to be.
My current relationship, well that is what I am working on, I am working on ME. Yes, it is hard, but I have three kids, and I will go through hell a thousand times so that they won't relive the same miserable life that I survived. But I don't think I have to..because God has led me here. Good night, know that no matter how stupid you feel, or dumb or crazy things you may have said or done, there ain't nothin that God ain't heard! I will end this with a long, hug for you, my beautiful one!
Thank you all for your beautiful and loving replys. I have gained a lot of strength from your words.
The worst part for me right now is that I am in limbo. He still lives with me -- but treats me like dirt. He comes and goes at crazy hours (2,3,4 in the morning) and never lets me know what is going on. Needless to say I am getting no sleep. He is sober --- but not the same man that I married. I am falling out of love with him, but maybe I am in some weird sick way 'addicted' to him.
It is difficult because sometimes we aren't fighting -- but I don't want a relationship where he is NEVER home other then to sleep and then is mean to me. Is that an unrelatistic expectation --- is it unrealistic to want to be in a relationship where the other person wants to be around you? Wants to sleep with you. Wants to touch you. Thinks you are great? Is it unrealistic to expect your husband to not go out to all hours of the night all of the time? I am really asking --- I don't know what is realistic and what is not anymore!
I really identify with 1994 -- I think my husdband thinks I am pathetic to love him. Maybe he is right.
I am going to meetings -- but I have a lot to work on and it is difficult while in the midst of the chaos caused by living with this man. I don't know how to take the step to ask him to leave --- it would/will be devastating for me. I often wonder how long I am going to wait....weeks? months? years? I don't know yet.
Thank you again for all of your support --- I really appreciate you all!!!
My life definitely used to hinge on the alcholic. I was incredibly envious and upset over who he chose to have as friends. It seemed like he always had someone who was "splitting" him. It was either his mother, his friends, his workmates. He even had a "friend" who asked to come and live with us free for year. At the end of our relationship he moved in a couple (who were drug addicts). I can very much relate.
I can also understand that my self esteem ebbed and flowed around how he felt, what he did, what kind of crumbs he threw me. I went to counselling and the A made a point of saying that showed that I was "at fault".
Detaching was so important to me and getting busy with my own life was so crucial. I lived here in the chat room for a long time. People were very kind about my obsessing about him. All my posts were about him, what he did, how he treated me. Then they began to change as I worked the program what he did got to be less of an issue (after all he moved in a couple who were openly addicts) what I did and how I took care of myself got better.
I stopped obsessing and started taking care of me. You can learn how to do that here. You can put some of the energy you put into wanting him to take notice of you into taking notice of yourself. You can watch other people get better here too. I definitely did not want to come here at all. I found some secondary gain in codependence for a long time. Now I am so grateful I did get to the point of being willing to surrender.
This is your first time here so please keep and open mind. There are no saints here or gurus. We have been where you are at and there are many of us in this program that know the solutions come as a result of "self" investigation and changing "self". The All-Anon Family groups and dare I say MIP also doesn't have instant solutions to problems that have taken years to form. We do not sell perfection but talk about progress, "One day at a time" just as the recovering alcoholic does. One of our slogans, "Take what you like and leave the rest" allows us to listen...even to those still caught up in the insanity and consider what might or might not work for us for now. We understand that what we are receiving is arriving from another broken person trying to heal and we listen with grace for them and ourselves also.
Keep coming back and listen for the suggestions that work. Face to face meetings, literature, the Steps and Traditions, A sponsor, Primarily a Power greater than yourself and repetition of what you find that works for yourself and others.
In my case, I have been surrounded by alcoholism my entire life, I wanted 'change', positive change in my life and thought all would be alright, once the a's in my life stopped drinking, or took responsibility, or 'changed'... it never ocurred to me that I needed to change as well.
I grew up emotionally, a little crooked, you might say.... and in essence, I could be considered an emotional drunk.. I was addicted to control, to drama, to chaos, to people pleasing, etc.... I was addicted to feelings of unworthiness, unlovableness, and my ideas of feelings/relationships were not very clear..... and just as a's learn with the tools of their program to live in 'sobriety', so did I with the tools of Alanon.
It was tough to get rid of old behaviors, to learn new ways to behaving, to focus on my self and not the a's...... I remember too wanting to be loved, wanting love... desperately.... I had to start by learning to love myself....and boy was that tough!... but it came. I wanted serenity thinking it was a life without storms, took me awhile to realize that for me it is peace amidst the storm... There is no quick cure for what we go through, no magic word, no magic pill, but we do have hope! we draw strength from program and we learn from experience, ours and from those who share with us.....
Once I started changing, my world started changing. All in a positive way.... It was/is a journey of self discovery for me, one that has been wonderful, painful at times, but very good for me.....
