My wife just went into Alcohol treatment in another state, for 30-90 days. It is Day 6 today. I have just started to really share the details with my friends and family. Before that I mainly kept most to myself out of embarrassment or shame.
I met my wife on the frozen surface of Lake Superior, during the Polar Vortex of 2014. My dad and I went to photograph the ice caves, a very rare occurance to visit on Lake Superior. Just the right conditions have to occur. My dad was a famous photographer on Facebook. My wife had been there with her mom, who was coincidentally a follower of my dad on Facebook and recognized him. We met, became friends and later we got together. It started out as a long distance relationship. I lived in Oregon, near Portland and she lived near the twin cities in Minnesota. I had never exprerienced alcoholism to that degree before her. I knew she liked to drink, and it wasn't as apparent at first until she began getting seizures fairly regularly, falling in airports and breaking bones and getting kicked out of the airport, then pancreatitus multiple times, then paracentesis, then sclerosis of her liver, doctors telling her if she continued drinking she would die in 3 months. She stayed sober that time for 3 months and 1 day and then began drinking again. She's been fired from 3 jobs for being drunk on the job, or passing out and causing herself injury on the job. She has gone to default on more than one credit card and the car loan because she'd rather spend the money on alcohol. I used to have nightmares about wading chest deep through empty bottles of Sailor Jerry, her favorite alcohol of choice. After she was told that she couldn't drink hard liquor ever again, she did switch to those little bullshit Sutter wines, but she would drink 4 - 12 of those per day...sometimes more. She knows I don't approve of the alcohol abuse so she began to hide it more and more over the years, but the effects were clearly evident. She's gotten to the point now where she closet drinks and tries to hide all of the evidence that she ever drinks.
I just had one of those "surprise" moments again after she left for treatment a few days ago. Between her car, closet, dresser and end table I found 200 bottles of wine, several Vodka bottles and multiple Buzz Balls and Fireball shots. All of these bottles accumulated after she became jaundice a few months ago and the doctor told her she had liver failure and would die if she ever drank again. Not to mention, when I added up the cost of all those bottles it was more than the car payment she missed that put her into pre-default, which because I cosigned, consequently affected my credit as well.
But, she's been gone now for 6 days. I've only talked to her for a total of one minute since she's been in detox. I have no idea if the treatment will work. I have to hope for the best because at this point she has no alternative.
I also have no idea how to act around her once she comes back from treatment. I am both a combination of mad and sad. I know people tell me, "it's the disease, it's not her." It doesn't make the abuse feel any better.
My house feels especially big and empty without her here. I'm kind of a bachelor, but not, for the next month or more. The whole situation is just weird and I'm not sure how to deal.
Trying to take care of me as much as possible during this, but I have to continuously distract myself with things otherwise I start to think and become depressed or angry.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Lyne said
March 21st
Welcome to MIP. Our board here has been in a state of flux but hopefully some others will respond to your heartfelt share. We are not here to give you advice, but we can give you our experience , strength, and hope. Some of the things you described, myself and others have known. For me, the embarrassment and shame pulled me away from my friends and family, and the lying was one of the most destructive things in my marriage. The drinking and driving sent shivers up my spine. And I spent many years trying to fix my spouse and it didn't work.
As a very last resort I made myself go to alanon. I started here on the board, eventually went to face to face meetings from encouragement from my sponsor. Now after 12 years of alanon I am a healthier and happier person. My self-esteem is improved, coping skills better, and I come first much of the time. Finally, my spouse started AA, has a sponsor, and has half a year sober. The future is completely unknown. Alcoholics in recovery do slip, but I try to keep a positive attitude, one day at a time. Some people stay with their alcoholics, and some don't. That is a decision only you can make. I would say my marriage has completely changed, but we still love each other after 32 years.
The most important thing I have learned is to take care of myself no matter what my spouse is doing. Help and recovery is available for you if you get invovled with alanon in any form (phone, message board, zoom, in-person, etc). Keep coming back. :) Lyne
My wife just went into Alcohol treatment in another state, for 30-90 days. It is Day 6 today. I have just started to really share the details with my friends and family. Before that I mainly kept most to myself out of embarrassment or shame.
I met my wife on the frozen surface of Lake Superior, during the Polar Vortex of 2014. My dad and I went to photograph the ice caves, a very rare occurance to visit on Lake Superior. Just the right conditions have to occur. My dad was a famous photographer on Facebook. My wife had been there with her mom, who was coincidentally a follower of my dad on Facebook and recognized him. We met, became friends and later we got together. It started out as a long distance relationship. I lived in Oregon, near Portland and she lived near the twin cities in Minnesota. I had never exprerienced alcoholism to that degree before her. I knew she liked to drink, and it wasn't as apparent at first until she began getting seizures fairly regularly, falling in airports and breaking bones and getting kicked out of the airport, then pancreatitus multiple times, then paracentesis, then sclerosis of her liver, doctors telling her if she continued drinking she would die in 3 months. She stayed sober that time for 3 months and 1 day and then began drinking again. She's been fired from 3 jobs for being drunk on the job, or passing out and causing herself injury on the job. She has gone to default on more than one credit card and the car loan because she'd rather spend the money on alcohol. I used to have nightmares about wading chest deep through empty bottles of Sailor Jerry, her favorite alcohol of choice. After she was told that she couldn't drink hard liquor ever again, she did switch to those little bullshit Sutter wines, but she would drink 4 - 12 of those per day...sometimes more. She knows I don't approve of the alcohol abuse so she began to hide it more and more over the years, but the effects were clearly evident. She's gotten to the point now where she closet drinks and tries to hide all of the evidence that she ever drinks.
I just had one of those "surprise" moments again after she left for treatment a few days ago. Between her car, closet, dresser and end table I found 200 bottles of wine, several Vodka bottles and multiple Buzz Balls and Fireball shots. All of these bottles accumulated after she became jaundice a few months ago and the doctor told her she had liver failure and would die if she ever drank again. Not to mention, when I added up the cost of all those bottles it was more than the car payment she missed that put her into pre-default, which because I cosigned, consequently affected my credit as well.
But, she's been gone now for 6 days. I've only talked to her for a total of one minute since she's been in detox. I have no idea if the treatment will work. I have to hope for the best because at this point she has no alternative.
I also have no idea how to act around her once she comes back from treatment. I am both a combination of mad and sad. I know people tell me, "it's the disease, it's not her." It doesn't make the abuse feel any better.
My house feels especially big and empty without her here. I'm kind of a bachelor, but not, for the next month or more. The whole situation is just weird and I'm not sure how to deal.
Trying to take care of me as much as possible during this, but I have to continuously distract myself with things otherwise I start to think and become depressed or angry.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
As a very last resort I made myself go to alanon. I started here on the board, eventually went to face to face meetings from encouragement from my sponsor. Now after 12 years of alanon I am a healthier and happier person. My self-esteem is improved, coping skills better, and I come first much of the time. Finally, my spouse started AA, has a sponsor, and has half a year sober. The future is completely unknown. Alcoholics in recovery do slip, but I try to keep a positive attitude, one day at a time. Some people stay with their alcoholics, and some don't. That is a decision only you can make. I would say my marriage has completely changed, but we still love each other after 32 years.
The most important thing I have learned is to take care of myself no matter what my spouse is doing. Help and recovery is available for you if you get invovled with alanon in any form (phone, message board, zoom, in-person, etc). Keep coming back. :) Lyne