So my son is sober now, at least as far as I know . . .
texas yankee said
February 26th
. . . and I know that it's not my business to really know about whether he's really sober or not, so that's progress for me, right ?
At any rate, I remember thinking in meetings early on when I heard someone talking about how their loved one was sober after many years of drinking and\or using, "How on earth can there be anything at all to complain about if the alcohol is out of the picture?" - LOL, live and learn, huh? I know now that it IS a big step, but it's still just a step on the road - LOL, there are a lot of other steps yet to be walked on his path, and he's still the same person he was before, but he's without alcohol now and it seems like it should be easier for all of us, but now there are different problems - LOL, but they're still problems. SO, the other night at a meeting, I'm sitting there and one of the books our group offers for sale was right in front of me, talking to me - "Buy me ! Buy me! " - I figured before i started a conversation with the book (and made the other folks in the group nervous about me), I should buy the book - so I bought, "Living With Sobriety, Another Beginning" - it's got all the answers to all my problems, right ? Just kidding - I'm certain there are solid ideas for me in that book.
Lyne said
February 27th
Glad to see you on MIP texas yankee! I'm with you in this new journey--my A just got the 6th month coin but do I trust sobriety will continue? Heck no! I lost my trust years ago. And yes there are new problems one would ever expect, but I do see some slow progress in calmness and maturity. I often tell people, time takes time, and now I need to tell this to myself. Recovery is recovery--I've been in alanon 12 years and do I see myself stopping? Another heck no! The damage is so deep, and this is the same for my spouse. I will end with, progress not perfection and ODAT. :)
texas yankee said
February 28th
"I do see some slow progress in calmness and maturity" - absolutely, Lyne !!! I am almost constantly giving thanks for my son's progress - I liken it to the Biblical story of the Prodigal Son - and I am amazed at the change in his demeanor and focus. For me, what I've come to realize, is that this is one of the many situations where "One Day at a Time" is key - I have no idea what's gonna happen tomorrow, or next year - all I can do is be grateful for TODAY.
tiredtonite said
March 13th
Texas yankee, That's great news about your son. I hope he continues to do well. My A's new sobriety was difficult for me too. I wasn't use to having serenity and not living crisis to crisis. In Al-anon we speak about being affected by another's drinking and perhaps less about the effects of new sobriety. One such effect for me personally was a preoccupation with the other shoe dropping and found it hard not to project about a relapse in my A and how that fallout might not only affect their life but also my own. I wanted to be rid of that kind of drama permanently. My fear was so great that I became hyper focused on their words and actions and analyzing both from the only perspective I had known; living with their active alcoholism. I'm grateful time and experience living with their sobriety provided opportunities to change my focus and thinking. We say in the program that there is a person under the disease of alcoholism. No one can predict how an alcoholic will present in sobriety not even the person themself. Underlying issues could arise that drinking may have masked. I know this was true of one of the A in my life. The up side was that they could if they chose finally get the appropriate help that was needed. On my end, I have needed to right size "loving support" as it pertains to myself and those I love. I continue to take it one day at a time, one person at a time, one situation at a time weighing the costs and benefits to my involvement physically, mentally, spiritually. I hope if you did buy that book you'll share your thoughts about it here. It isn't one that I have. Thanks for sharing the good news about your son. Glad you're a part of our online recovery family here at MIP. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 13th of March 2024 08:33:32 AM
texas yankee said
March 17th
"We say in the program that there is a person under the disease of alcoholism. " - since ya mentioned that, I should add that one thing that kept me from getting mad at my son for over almost 20 years, was accepting that he had a disease, whether I really believed that or not - accepting it made it a lot easier for me to remember that somewhere under the turmoil or alcoholism, my son (who I loved very much throughout) was still in there, hanging on, not liking what he was doing to himself or others, but he was not yet strong enough or experiencing enough pain and suffering to be able to overcome the effects of his disease. Losing everything he had and three mental health lockups finally helped him to take a chance and make a choice to get on a better path. In his case, a very experienced, competent, and compassionate doctor prescribed the right drugs and monitored his progress carefully - today, my son is a different person.
I need to focus more on ODAAT - I've had enough detours in my own life to know that anything (good or bad) can happen tomorrow - today is all we have.
tiredtonite said
March 17th
Texas Yankee, Grateful for your follow up post from a loving father. Definitely a testimony of love of a father for his son and that people can get and keep soberiety with the right supports. If I had read this while living with an active family member, it would have given me hope that sobriety might be possible in my loved one too.
. . . and I know that it's not my business to really know about whether he's really sober or not, so that's progress for me, right ?
At any rate, I remember thinking in meetings early on when I heard someone talking about how their loved one was sober after many years of drinking and\or using, "How on earth can there be anything at all to complain about if the alcohol is out of the picture?" - LOL, live and learn, huh? I know now that it IS a big step, but it's still just a step on the road - LOL, there are a lot of other steps yet to be walked on his path, and he's still the same person he was before, but he's without alcohol now and it seems like it should be easier for all of us, but now there are different problems - LOL, but they're still problems. SO, the other night at a meeting, I'm sitting there and one of the books our group offers for sale was right in front of me, talking to me - "Buy me ! Buy me! " - I figured before i started a conversation with the book (and made the other folks in the group nervous about me), I should buy the book - so I bought, "Living With Sobriety, Another Beginning" - it's got all the answers to all my problems, right ? Just kidding - I'm certain there are solid ideas for me in that book.
Texas yankee, That's great news about your son. I hope he continues to do well. My A's new sobriety was difficult for me too. I wasn't use to having serenity and not living crisis to crisis. In Al-anon we speak about being affected by another's drinking and perhaps less about the effects of new sobriety. One such effect for me personally was a preoccupation with the other shoe dropping and found it hard not to project about a relapse in my A and how that fallout might not only affect their life but also my own. I wanted to be rid of that kind of drama permanently. My fear was so great that I became hyper focused on their words and actions and analyzing both from the only perspective I had known; living with their active alcoholism. I'm grateful time and experience living with their sobriety provided opportunities to change my focus and thinking. We say in the program that there is a person under the disease of alcoholism. No one can predict how an alcoholic will present in sobriety not even the person themself. Underlying issues could arise that drinking may have masked. I know this was true of one of the A in my life. The up side was that they could if they chose finally get the appropriate help that was needed. On my end, I have needed to right size "loving support" as it pertains to myself and those I love. I continue to take it one day at a time, one person at a time, one situation at a time weighing the costs and benefits to my involvement physically, mentally, spiritually. I hope if you did buy that book you'll share your thoughts about it here. It isn't one that I have. Thanks for sharing the good news about your son. Glad you're a part of our online recovery family here at MIP. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 13th of March 2024 08:33:32 AM
"We say in the program that there is a person under the disease of alcoholism. " - since ya mentioned that, I should add that one thing that kept me from getting mad at my son for over almost 20 years, was accepting that he had a disease, whether I really believed that or not - accepting it made it a lot easier for me to remember that somewhere under the turmoil or alcoholism, my son (who I loved very much throughout) was still in there, hanging on, not liking what he was doing to himself or others, but he was not yet strong enough or experiencing enough pain and suffering to be able to overcome the effects of his disease. Losing everything he had and three mental health lockups finally helped him to take a chance and make a choice to get on a better path. In his case, a very experienced, competent, and compassionate doctor prescribed the right drugs and monitored his progress carefully - today, my son is a different person.
I need to focus more on ODAAT - I've had enough detours in my own life to know that anything (good or bad) can happen tomorrow - today is all we have.
Texas Yankee, Grateful for your follow up post from a loving father. Definitely a testimony of love of a father for his son and that people can get and keep soberiety with the right supports. If I had read this while living with an active family member, it would have given me hope that sobriety might be possible in my loved one too.