I'm having an incredible challenge I just cant seem to detach from. I recently relocated to a different part of my state and there is only one alanon meeting. There is someone in the group who seems to believe that she is "in charge" and is responsible for always leading the meeting and its her job to keep everyone in the group (very small number) "on task" which apparently means reading literature aloud for the whole meeting. We are only allowed to share on the paragraph we read when its our turn. I just cant handle this kind of controlling behavior. I am the only person in the meeting with any kind of long term attendance of alanon so the other members dont know this is not the norm. I accept that apparently there is a trend that "crosstalk" includes mentioning any topic brought up by another person at the meeting(as interpreted by the leader).. I really need meetings after not having one for so long in my town. It's one of the reasons I moved. How do I broach this in a group conscience meeting?Frankly I dont know what to say without causing a rift. Otherwise, I guess I have to stick with online meetings.

Online meetings can fill a void...the group conscious is tradition for us and practicing courage is personal recovery.  I've been in that situation a few times myself and believe that a couple times I was surprised that the person I thought wanted to be in charge actually was looking for relief and a break in habits.  I have also help to start meetings which is also another option.   Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) 

Offer to be of service. Come early and offer to chair a meeting. She may be doing it because she doesn't see an option. Codependents have a natural tendancy to believe no one else will do it or they won't do it right.

Also ask for clarification - is this promoted as a literature meeting? It sounds like the format, but ought to be advertised as such. My literature meeting is actually my favorite; I love how it keeps the focus on the Al-Anon program, rather than encouraging tangents. It made the biggest difference in my outlook, to be exposed weekly to Al-Anon literature I may not have read on my own.

If you make these gentle efforts and she shuts you out or refuses to change, you might consider starting another meeting. That would be a wonderful way to be of service, and to provide the kind of meetings you and others need.

thank you all so much, these are wonderful suggestions. I already called a group conscience for next week to suggest a format change to allow time for discussion of what we're reading. I will check today to see if no one else is signing up to lead. Maybe have a topic based on first reading and move on when everyone has had opportunity to share. More will be revealed!

I too love literature meetings as long as there is sharing of e,s,&h.

in my experience of al-anon, members try not to take others' inventory either individually and collectively. We strive to keep the focus on ourselves. We do set boundaries and discuss issues together during a group conscience meeting. "Let their be no gossip or criticism of one another" is part of our closing statement if read during your meetings. Instead let the love, peace and understanding of the program grow in you one day at a time for this is how we help one another in Al-anon . Thank you all for your input. It turns out I was sick today and couldn't attend the meeting! Hmmmmmm.

One meeting in my hometown. It is hard for me not to try to control the meetings too. I am an old-timer but I know that I don't know it all!It is too bad that you don't have choices as far as meetings go. I go to meetings as far as 60 miles away sometimes. It is good for my recovery!

Kathleen

Thank you metwo2 and hoot nanny for your insights. The gossip and criticism label is what I'm trying to avoid. My newcomer sponsee was at the meeting today and she is sounding like she doesnt think she qualifies for Al-anon. All I could tell her was to suggest she please go to at least 6 meetings and a different meeting before deciding if al-anon is for her. I was supposed to meet with her after the meeting but I didnt feel well enough to go. Oh well.

CWYA I would truly think of searching out a Hospital or Church basement and start my own meeting  It really does work  Build the meeting and they will come.  I know this for sure.

Just recently my meeting was moved becausee our space had been flooded by Sandy. We moved to a church basement right next door to an AA meeting.  Although our regular members could not find us within a month we had more members than ever before  AA spread the word.

Good Luck

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 12th of June 2013 06:25:38 PM

cwya wrote:

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Me too SAMC. It took a year of me going to alanon meetings to feel like I qualified. I wasnt living with an active alcoholic so clearly didnt belong I thought. Well once I figured out I carried an alcoholic around between my ears I finally "got it." I would have died I know if someone had done this to me.

---

 Right? I thought my mother was my biggest problem, and she wasn't an alcoholic, "just" mental problems and "just" painkiller addiction. But then a few weeks after my first meeting I read in "How Al-Anon Works" that some people were members because of a grandparent, and it was like the biggest lightbulb went off! Ohhh, my mother was this way because of her alcoholic abusive father, and he was that way because of his parents, and my grandmother was a codependent... then over the first year I realized just how many close friends I'd had that had been chaotic relationships and who I had ultimately cut off because of alcoholism.... now I almost laugh to think I had a hard time believing I'd qualify to be an Al-Anon member, my life has been so affected by the disease! But I wouldn't have laughed that first day, and it took me six months to work up the courage to that day.

When I told this story to a long-time member I respected, he told me it took him two years to figure out who the alcoholic was in his family. It was the "Do I Belong?" questions that kept him coming back. This person is such a great role model, mentor to many, a leader in so many ways; if someone had told him he didn't belong, so many people would have missed out on the gift of his program service.

I really hope you can restore justice to this situation. It does sound like so many people would so benefit from a new meeting. I hope you can find some people to join you to start one! It sounds like the one you've been to is a lost cause without some serious outside intervention.

Well, I got a call from someone new I was sponsoring who went to the meeting. She was told she didnt qualify and probably wouldnt get much out of alanon so she's not going back. Just goes to show why we have the traditions and the only requirement for membership is to have a relative or friend with a problem with alcohol. This kind of behavior can be lethal. I know there is a calendar for signing up but she directs the meeting whether she's "leading" or not. I'm going to go to the meeting tomorrow and sign up to lead. Otherwise I'm going to have to not attend. It is just not good for me.

That is completely horrifying. It was what kept me away for so long, the fear that someone would tell me I didn't belong. What a horrible thing to do to a newcomer. :(

CWYA  This is completely unacceptable and calls for an immediate Business Meeting.

Me too SAMC. It took a year of me going to alanon meetings to feel like I qualified. I wasnt living with an active alcoholic so clearly didnt belong I thought. Well once I figured out I carried an alcoholic around between my ears I finally "got it." I would have died I know if someone had done this to me. I would never have had the courage to stand up for myself and leave my abusive alcoholic on my own and  either I or my ex would have been dead or in prison. I'm sorry but I consider anyone with only 1or 2 years of any 12 step program a newcomer and they dont often realize that this horrible disease is fatal to alanons too! The more I've thought about it and written about it the more I have realized I just cannot attend this meeting. If my newcomer sponsee is willing I'm hoping she might be able to drive us to a meeting at a distance. I cant drive because of vision and car problems. Thank you guys. I'm alone and isolated and moved here so I would have meetings to go to. I think I'm going to check out other 12-step meetings. Its the next best thing to alanon.

I agree "hotrod" (so good to hear from you all). She as in CW said we had to wait to have a meeting and she wanted to know what the topic would be. I didnt want to say and completely derail the meeting we were in since she had already taken up 40 minutes of the hour with business affairs. i dont know for sure since I hadnt been in a business meeting with her before, that every topic to be discussed has to wait 2 weeks I guess. I'm so confused and disheartened over this at this point, I dont really want to go back.

Thank you so much Aloha. This woman is our district representative because there are so few people at the meeting (shock and surprise) and so many people qualify in another 12 step program there is no one else to be our rep. But I have homework to do but honestly I have to say the two times I've tried to intervene I've been shot down. I'm the only person in the group with real long term recovery--I'm old and ailing--so I hate to give up on it. But I have to take care of myself first before the group. Right? It just breaks my heart. I wanted to find Alanon spoken here so badly.

Thank you everyone! Over the course of the last couple of days I've worked out that the best solution for me is to start a new meeting in a new space at a differnet time. That way I dont have to sow discord in the group by confronting anyone during the meeting especially since it didn't work anyway! This program WORKS thanks to the ever healthy intervention of solid Al-anons and  a faithful HP. I dont know how I knew but I really sensed you were an East Coaster "Hotrod." I gave away my copy of How Alanon Works (I'm just always doing this) so cant look up "do I belong?" But I'm gonna hunt up the topic in the other literature. You guys are life-savers and I'm so, so grateful. Sometimes the most obvious solution just has to "smack me like a Mackerel."

Good Luck CWYA

cwya, you are doing the right thing....

I once started a meeting in a town that there was no meeting, because I saw what a need there was....I started it with one other person and for weeks we were the only ones, but then they started coming slowly but surely, also u must remember in a small town people know each other and are embarassed that they have problems so they hesitate to come. But even if u just help one person (yourself) u are making the world a better place to live....thank you, in support Oldergal

Thank you older gal! I know what you mean. I'm a member from way back so have an older "version" of the program even though its the same literature. I havent been able to keep up with all the changes. I was absolutely stunned by the idea that saying you could identify with some else's situation during your "share" could be viewed as "crosstalk" so I'm a little taken aback. I've started meetings many times so hope eventually people will come. They didnt at the last place I lived and I've never been anywhere that needed it as bad as they did. I'm an older gal too so cant see what's in your profile picture. Care to share?

Never give up on recovery for anyone!

im happy you know to bring this up at a ggroup conscience or monthly business mtg. If there is no monthly business mtg, ask for one so you can better understand how the traditions are being used in this group.

you will have a fight on your hands. She is depending on using this group. Don't fight back!!

You will have to know you are doing what's right for God and traditions, but follow principles yourself. That are all outlined in AAs Big Book. An attitude of intolerance won't get you or God anywhere. A real respect for her right to a viewpoint or opinion while calmly outlining the traditions. 

There are no Governors in meetings! 

be lighthearted and pleasant and say the truth. It may not change overnight but TRuth is always heard.

this is a great opportunity also for you to learn to sit with discomfort during meetings. It's our pride that hates co trol and we have GOT to learn to suck it up for our own growth! 

In other words, this has to be done for Gid and Alanon, not you.

Working...I am not high and mighty about my "status" and do not think I or anyone should be a Governor. As I said earlier, I asked for a group conscience right off, and we've discussed the traditions a few times. Apparently, one group holds all the meetings everyday of the week with one GR and business meetings are a "rolling" group conscience which means people at all meetings each day of the week discuss and decide by consensus and vote on the format for each day. Still figuring this out. But group conscience discussions very enlightening. Our Higher Power decides this stuff not us and I found a new way to do what I need for myself around the Traditions. I do not give up on people or meetings either but I would start another meeting if I felt it was not possible to have the traditions honored at any meeting. We dont read or talk about AA's Big Book in alanon meetings here. I was confused with your statements "you'll have a fight on your hands" but "dont fight back." I dont ever fight with anyone at meetings or at least not during the meeting if I have a disagreement with someone. As noted in other shares here it is not always possible to do things one on one and still honor the understanding people in my group have about "gossip" and "cross-talk." I strive to the best of my ability to do neither but I am not perfect. 

Working through it--thank you so much for your viewpoint. I really planned to have the group conscience and discuss how meetings are led and type of meeting its supposed to be. Many people have never been allowed to speak without interruption etc. only requirement for membership is to have a problem with alcohol in a relative or friend. But into the breach today. I have I can do as you suggest and simply listen I just dont know what questions to ask.

No your share DID help me. I was able to stay calm about this very volatile topic today because of your parting words as I went out the door...stay calm, dont fight back,..filled me mind when I was under forceful provocation today.

Did want to let you know that the newcomer hasnt called or been back so she obviously took the easy path rather than the whole "try 6 meetings before you decide if alanon is not for you."

Whoever suggested trying to talk to the person and then the group, if not then moving the meeting has no clue what the principles or the program is about. Terrible advice. For all meetings you have to take a group conciense , and you cant kick people out or exclude them for being in the place they belong to get help . You need to pray for her, accept her, do some self inventories, and make motions to change the meetings rotations and / or format , and see if the group agrees to pass those.

Welcome Moira. This group has gone through some changes during the last few months but glad you are here. I had a similar experience in my home group. One member thought they were "in charge" and would call you out , even if you were leading the meeting. Yes this person needed prayers and recovery and definitely needed help. The way things worked out is that due to a number of circumstances, I needed to change groups. I now go to a weekly zoom group with a bunch of very wonderful people. Electronic meetings are always an option if in-person groups are scarce.