I'm stumped by something that has come up in my new Al-Anon group. I have recently moved to a new city after spending many years in a place with no meetings and I had to rely only my alanon mojo and literature for survival. I tried for years to get a meeting up and running to no avail. Its one of the reasons I've moved. The only alanon meeting in town is nothing like I've seen before There seems to be a very strict format for the meeting as it centers on reading literature. I dont handle lots of rules all that well I admit but I'm stumped and want badly to make a go of this new meeting. I'm trying very hard to just listen and learn but I'm afraid I've hit a pothole I cant get out of. It was shared at the last meeting that cross talk means I cant share my own e,s & h on a topic someone else brought up in the meeting during my time to share. This was by no means about giving advice, interrupting someone or anything to do with another member, just me saying this is how I handled the situation in my own family. Has some new guideline come out I dont know about. How do I share my e,s, and h in a way helpful to others in like circumstances? When I came to alanon what helped me most was hearing how others had handled similar situations in their own lives.Also, the group has talked about how to tell the alcoholic's doctor about the drinking and it scared me to death. Someone said it doesnt violate the traditions because the alcoholic isnt in the program. Help! I feel like I'm in reverse alanon.

I, too, have found that guidelines differ among groups and I like each one for their uniqueness.  I am still learning what is and isn't appropriate for this forum and, at times, step where I ought not step.   

Thank you for your input. I 'grew up' in Alanon where sharing coping strategies about a share was usual and helpful. The 'rule' is not explained in this group so dont know if they have ever had a group conscience. Will listen and read I think from now on but I'm going through a really hard time right now and I am too sensitive to people 'correcting' me. Someone else in the group kind of went off about "rules" last week so will see what happens next.

Hi Grateful 2be

No need to feel bad or apolgize  You have done nothing wrong

The cross talk rules do not apply to this Board.  This discussion was about meetings and the cross talk rules that apply at the Face to Face meetings 

Here we treat each other with respect and courtesy, do not gossip or judge each other   Crosss talk is not an issue

Great!  I am so glad to learn that.  I appreciate the feedback.  I'll relax now.  Thank you, Betty.

Thank you so much! this helps immensely, most of all because it enabled me to adjust my focus to where I was at. It is such a joy to find so much Alanon wisdon only a click away. I wasn't able to do this at the place I used to live. Your shares helped me identify the guilty culprits within.

CWYA...

            I think groups go through lifecycles just as we do... If you live in a city with choices, this is well and good.

             I have seen groups bogged down in ritual with little or no time for sharing. For me this reverted back to my childhood home, with the no-talk rule.

             This board here is my group of choice. I make the most of this... there is lots of room for diverse opinions, and good honest sharing. ...

Tradition One reminds us that our common welfare should come first and that personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.  

Walt that suggestion should submitted to Alanon World Service Organization for review, discussion and possible approval.

I did and was advised the WSC had not come to any agreement on crosstalk and each AFG through a Group Conscience is to determine how they will use it.

But since it is not an approved term, why is it being allowed to creep into meetings and conflict/overtake loving interchange?

One other observation: When looking up the meaning of "interchange" in the Webster dictionary, it basically says "the mutual exchange between two entities..."

How would that be applied in Al ANON? If member A shares and member B shares his/her own experience about that same subject, but speaks in the "I" sense without giving advice to member A, that to me is loving interchange and not so-called crosstalk.

Since we cannot make any ruling on the subject, I can only provide my opinion. Personally I see no harm in the requirement. Growing up with the disease of alcoholism many of us were never granted the ability to speak and express ourselves freely, without being interrupted or challenged. The no cross talk rule attempts to address this.

 

It appears from your discussion with the World Service Organization, that although they cannot seem to come to any agreement on the defining" crosstalk" , they have not banned the use of the term from meetings and instead have relinquished the definition of the term to each individual group. I support their decision.

 ...regarding the thoughts of our brother Walt that "crosstalk" is not an approved topic in Alanon.

If we apply tradition 4 it is clear that anything is on-topic, so long as the group conscience allows it to be.

[My tuppence worth.]

I was referred to this article by Sharon Barnes of the WSO:

http://www.al-anon-co.org/images/NewGR_CrosstalkOrLovingInterchange.pdf

with the words "many of the concerns can only be answered by the groups themselves".

It seems until the WSC issues one final group conscience on this for all of Al Anon, it is left to each AFG.

Thanks for your follow through Walt. Please do keep coming back

 "A loving interchange amongst members" is a good start.

It seems to me that in the United States kids in college most always start an essay with a dictionary definition.

Not so in my country. So you are looking for a definition for 'no cross-talk'?

Here on a message board- greeting time, sharing time and coffee time are all lumped into the one space! With personal sharing I try to give people a lot of space... listen and listen up large.

I usually only offer opinions [not advice] when asked to.

The pioneering ethos- the Old King James Bible is a part of the American Dream, at least for some people.

People look for some canon, some firm guiding principal, in their world, and for us in Alanon CAL is a part of this idea.

Sometimes we fear mentioning some things in case we can't comply with the CAL canon!

So groups, and individuals, are delegated to determine what goes, inside of their own territory, with guidance... huh?

It certainly can and I find that this " loving interchange" can and does happen after the meeting in the meeting after the meeting,with sponsors and in alanon telephone calls.

I find the" no cross talk" requirement keeps the meetings on target and seems to understand the alanon disease so well that it discourages cross talk on anyone else's share so we are not tempted to fall into our disease and attempt to save each other or compete with our own "war story"  I am pleased that WSO has left this up to each group to decide.

I have just revisited this thread and read many of the shares and actions it has generated. Al-Anon is truly extraordinary and I have appreciated everyone who has contributed on this topic. I have since moved on, literally as well as figuratively. I moved to a new state as well as 3 new meetings. I have since seen 2 meetings fail over issues like this. I did my best to stick to the formats at each of those meetings about these various areas of disagreement between members and group structure. I am now very happy at my last move and feel greatly the many blessings that come from following CAL and following fully functioning group consciences. The flaws of the 2 meetings that I saw as fatal were dominance and failure to follow GC decisions. If the ESH of long-term members is no longer considered welcome, I do not see how a group can function.  Both of the meetings had decided to have one "president" who governed how everybody should share, act, and behave and abandoned any formats for a so-called GC. I cannot imagine how these types of groups can still call themselves AFG meetings. But that's not my business. I think that we abandon the traditions, steps, and CAL at our own peril. I Know I'm a hard-core rule person but I work hard to keep that character defect in line. But I dont believe it is healthy for newcomers to eliminate all guidelines and order. If it was decided decades ago by a group to follow Robert's Rules of Orders in the GC meetings, I believe that should be adhered to unless there is a new GC decision where all are allowed to vote. I dont think Anarchy is healthy!

Agree completely CWYA glad you found a healthy , working group.

REPLACE "INTERCHANGE" and "HELP" IN MEETING OPENINGS

I feel the CAL words "Interchange" and "help" in Al Anon's Meeting Opening create Crosstalk meaning problems and therefore are suggested to be replaced. At last weekend's Area 9 North Florida Assembly I presented my research about Crosstalk, but was restricted to use only CAL sources with no OPINIONS.

I have attached links to both my Personal Opinion follow-up paper and my CROSSTALK research paper.

I invite discussion, comments and suggestions.

I have submitted this to WSO Literature Committee for consideration, and Area 9, District 4 and my AFG.

Walt, Gentle Journey AFG,

Daytona Beach, District 4 in Area 9.

 Thanks Walt... some tweaking... hope you get a good hearing...

on an online group like this one I find that we have greetings, sharing time, and coffee time all rolled into one.

It takes sensitivity to discern when to speak and what to speak about. When ~listening up~ is required I usually listen.

When I am asked for an opinion I like giving one. However this is a big meeting and I run a thought through my head- about who around the board would have the best answers- and I mean by that those who have had the personal experience, of that issue, and who are qualified to answer.

Sometimes I am one of those people... ...

Take what you like and leave the .......

FYI

I WAS INVITED TO ANSWER AND SPEAK ABOUT  CROSSTALK AT LAST WEEK'S AREA 9 ASSEMBLY. I did not volunteer.

I was restricted to use only CAL material and to cite the sources and no opinions were allowed.

From that, I learned things which gave me new insight on the CAL words "Interchange" and "help", both used in the suggested meeting greeting. Having practiced "communications engineering" in my career, I felt these words presented more "crosstalk" meaning and would not be appropriat. I saw a better set of words which would align better with CAL intentions.

With that new insight, applying "the courage to change the things I can" from the Serenity Prayer I wrote a separate opinion about using better language, and that brought me here.

So I shared my ESH and you are free to "TAKE WHAT YOU LIKE AND LEAVE ....."

-- Edited by Walt on Thursday 11th of May 2017 06:15:06 AM

Hi Walt,

             we are both at a meeting where there is no time limit- ~phew~. I think the issues you raise are valid. These days I live more 'in the present' some I am more interested in how the issue might be relevant to this group.

I live in a small country town, to the option of picking up my ODAT book and moving to another group was not an option. We always had to resolve issues, inside of the group, and move on- from that perspective.

In the first place- being the only man in the group for many years I learned to read between the lines- in the programme and find the similarities, and not the differences- I found this easier as time went on.

I think Alanon policy should be consistent and fair. It should always hold onto it's core values- but should be prepared to adapt some aspects, over time, if required.

This is what the steps, Traditions and Concepts are for.

I have already commented on the cross talk issue.

I always hold true the Alanon Concept 4- ~Participation is the key to harmony~.

You choose to participate in the policy making arena- I can only applaud that!

DavidG.