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The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level."Real" Al-Anon Meeting
"Real" Al-Anon Meeting
A new step every two weeks in the order they were written!Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
Al-Anon's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions
My A is an amazing blameshifter. He's so good at it, you can walk away from a conversation utterly confused...well, mainly because he just called me crazy or something, but the beauty of going through this turmoil and coming to terms with it is NOW I KNOW what's happening.I've become hypersensitive to the blame shift. It's interesting because before, half the time, I didn't even know it happened until it was too late. Our arguments started one way, and ended up 10 streets over....I laugh about it now, but it's because I can. I FINALLY got some help and saw what was happening.My A hates to feel cornered or blamed for anything, and he would immediately go to my faults, but I didn't help the situation. I escallated it.Now, if something bothers me, I've changed my reaction. First, I don't react immediately if something bothers me. I let is sit and if it's something I feel wronged about, I will then figure out how I want to approach it. THIS is not easy and I'm still learning.So when something bothers me now, if it's worth it for me, I will tell my A how an action made me "feel" and I try very hard not to say... YOU MADE ME FEEL, I just say "I felt insecure when I tried to hang the curtain, and you yelled" or whatever the situation is. Now, at first, he still would immediately shift the blame, but I would walk away and say, "It's just how I feel, you can't tell me my feelings are not valid" and then NOT get into it any further. Once you stand by your feeling and take away the argument, there is nothing more to say.
As far as the driving....let it be. There is nothing you can do. He has to learn on his own. My AH was adamant that the static on our phone line was the "cable" providers fault. I KNEW it had nothing to do with our cable, but he has to figure this stuff out on his own. He got the cable company out to our house and they basically said, the phone isn't their issue as they have no phone contract with us. He had to learn this on his own. He's never owned up to it or take the blame, but it puts the alcoholic back into the responsible position for their own actions and consequences.